small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table

Friday, December 27

Here’s something about me you didn’t know. I almost held the future of America’s youth in the palm of my hand. Years ago before all the tough guy shit I actually worked (and I use that word lightly) as a stand up comic. I started doing it as a dare and after a while I found out I was kind’a good at it. Once I got over the stage fright I loved it, what a fuckin power trip. When I did a good show it was the biggest rush in the world, but when I sucked, I sucked hard, and nothin’s worse then fallin on your ass in front of a hundred people. I worked (there’s that word again) with some nice people. David Naster, Sinbad, and a bunch of other people whose names I can’t remember but who I see on the TV from time to time. Get this, I was doing a show and in walks Henny Youngman. He was doin a benefit downtown and he decided to stop by for a look-see. The ass kissing was amazing, the noise from all the bending of knees and bowing and shit was so bad I had to cut my show short. So I’m standing outside the club when Mr. Youngman comes walkin out to his limo, “nice show young man”. Oh my God, Henny Youngman’s fuckin talking to me. I just stared, awestruck until my mouth took over. “Show? What Show! How could you hear anything you old fem bastard with all the fucking noise you were making”. As he walked away I was speechless again cause suddenly I had these two huge muthafucker’s in bad fitting suits pressing on me from both sides. Who knew the old man had bodyguards. They quietly showed me the error of my ways then eased off and let the oxygen back in. It was cool; at least I got to meet the man on a one on one basis. Back in the day there was a children’s show called Uncle Ed’s Playhouse. This guy was sort of huge in the Midwest. He’d sit behind this old desk and talk to all the kids and show cartoons and shit like that. He was like Whizzo but deeper. It was all doin good till he got busted for showin his dick to little kids in the fuckin park. He always had that dirty uncle vibe going on don’t you know. But anyway the show’s producer used to come to see me perform from time to time, and somewhere in her blond head she fermented the idea that I would be a perfect replacement for the infamous Uncle Ed. I ended up auditioning for the show three separate times. I just couldn’t pull it together. They took me into this studio that held Uncle Ed’s desk. I’d set behind the desk and got comfy, or at least I tried too. But there were two things in front of the desk that bothered the shit out of me. One was the bigass camera; It stood maybe five feet away pointed at my head. I think it was the camera lens and the big red blinking light that had me on edge. The other feature was a video monitor that set next at the edge of the desk. You ever videotape yourself and watch? It can be very disturbing. When you’re looking at your self’s looking back at you, it can creep a cat out. That’s one reason why the porno gig also fell through, but that’s another story. I couldn’t keep a straight face. I’d say my lines then start laughin like an idiot. I just couldn’t get over looking at myself. To say the least I blew it. But just think how close I came to undermining America’s youth. Peace


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