Overheard on the radio. “After being married to Tommy Lee of Motley Crue, Pamela Lee Anderson having sex with Kid Rock is like throwing a hot dog down an hallway”. (Some radio morning zoo guy.) Word. I hear that certain parts of Tommy would make horses faint. Last night was the premier episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and I gotta say that it lived up to all the hype. It’s sad that it takes so little to make me happy. I’ve been hearing on the radio about a new product called New Bust. It’s an herbal pill or lotion that chicks can take that’ll make the breasts grow. Now I’m not a bright man but I’d think that if there were a pill that makes the titties grow without the pain of surgery there’d be females and a few guy’s lining up and down the street. I’m just sayin is all. I’m still searching for something to put on my head that’ll keep the hair off. How in the fuck do you women do it? You know, keep off the unwanted hair? The shit you girls do to make yourselves look good is nothing short of self-mutilation. Plucking the hairs and hot waxing. Speakin of hot waxing, that looks like some painful shit. Yeah, like I’m gonna pour hot wax over my balls then paper em then rip out the short hairs! Aghhhhhh! No muthafuckin thank you! When I bounced at the heavy metal bar back in the day, twice a year we would put on season long swimsuit contests. And because I was a guy to be trusted I got picked every year to hang out in the dressing room and get the vital stats of all the girls. Well this one time after the show everyone had left except for three of the girls. Now as a rule I always tried to be the Man and keep my back to the girls as they dressed. But this one time I was asked to be the judge for a very strange affair. It seems that all three women had had the Job done on em and they were all sporting serious 38DD’s. Well as women will do they were arguing about silly shit and the talk turned to who had the best breast job. Before you could say tittietwister they had the shirts off and all three were standing firm and proud in front of me. “Hey, feel our tits and tell us who feels the best”. After I popped my jaw back into place I said what? “You heard us, we wanna know who do you think has the best feelin set of tits?” Talk about being put on the spot. So I did what any red blooded bouncer named Death would do, I reached out and poked each one with my finger. “What are you, some kind of pussie? You gotta do this right! We want you to pull em and pinch em and smack em back and forth. You gotta squeeze em like you were fallin off a cliff and they were the only things you could grab!” Be a goddamn man about it! So I took a deep breath and thanked God for his infinite wisdom and I pulled and pinched and smacked and squeezed like I was Martha Stewart kneading bread. Peace