small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>Tears of a clown</strong>

Tuesday, November 11

Tears of a clown


I’ve never brought into the so called middle age crises thing; I’ve always thought it was bullshit. The way I figure it some of us take until our forties or so to be able to afford that hot car we’ve always wanted, or getting the nerve to climb on top of that new bike and ride through five or six states or even to kick the spouse loose and go lookin for a newer model. No big deal as far as I see it, but as my forty-fifth birthday rolls closer I feel that I am as a person coming to some sort of crossroads. It’s like that feeling you get that there’s something you should be doing. Something that will break the cycle you’re in, something that will set you free. It’s like a thought buzzing around the edge of your subconscious, but when you attempt to grasp it, it always seems to remain just out of reach, because to be truthful this is a very confusing time for me. I’m confused about my job, my friends, my health, and most of all my life. I’m a creature of habit, I enjoying going to the same place, seeing the same faces. I enjoy getting to the bus stop a half hour before my bus comes because it gives me some quiet time before work. I enjoy the fact that the only people that come close to understanding me are the people I want too. I enjoy writing because I truly feel that it’s saved my life in some way. To the outside world I must seem to be in a very comfortable place, but am I really? Am I really where I want to be? I don’t know, but I do know that it’s tearing me up inside trying to figure it all out. It’s not a money thing or a keeping up with the Joneses thing, cause I’ve never been about the money. Hell, I make it, I spend it, and if I happen to put some away all that much cooler. Do I want to fall in love? Easy enough thing to do you might say, but I’m not an easy person to be in love with. Some of my friends might tell you a different story, but I know that even being my friend can be taxing at times. So I tend to back away from love cause I know that they can find better. Do I need to find religion? Don’t think so, cause even though I don’t do church or pray or read from the bible, I feel that I am a religious man deep inside. Fuck, I talk to God every day if the truth be known, and he tells me all the time he’s cool with me. So I don’t know what the answer is, but if you come up on me and see me deep in thought with maybe a hint of a tear in my eyes, its ok, really, it’s ok. I’m just pushing shit around in my head and the tears are from me hearing the truth. Peace

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