small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>Rules of engagement </strong>

Wednesday, May 5

Rules of engagement

I was going to do this huge assed thing about drinking because I really believe alcohol abuse is running rampant. Alcohol abuse needs to be addressed and discussed, because not only is it not going away, but it’s growing by leaps and bounds. I mean my god, how many times have I walked in and seen muthafucker’s sitting at a bar gaily sipping on their ice cold, fruity, green colored drink whilst watching “stright eye for the queer ass”, or whatever that shows fuckin name is. What the fuck is that all about? Real men don’t drink this gay shit while watching cocksuckers on the TV dress each other? Hell fuckin no! If you’re in a bar watchin TV, your ass better be clutching a fuckin Bud or Pabst and watching a show where somebody’s getting their asses handed to em. If not that, you better be sipping something with more whiskey then common sense in the glass. I remember back in the day a bar on Broadway here in town called Chae Charlie’s. It sat across the parking lot from Big Dudes Music, and this old one-legged ex-boxer by the name of Charlie owned it. Now this was a man’s bar and it had a set of man’s rules.

1. No reading of newspapers and magazines allowed. Though I hear in his later years Charlie softened up and allowed the sports section to be read.
2. No stright juices or cokes sold.
3. Don’t bring food into the bar. If you want food leave some coin in the cup and dip into the crock-pot at the end of the bar.

Those are just three that I remember, if you fucked up and went against em, old Charlie just might decide to throw you an ass beating. You think I’m lying? We’d all spill out of Big Dudes to head over to Charlie’s for an after work drink and there’d be a paddy wagon in the parking lot and cops throwing Charlie’s old ass into the back of it because he just punched one of his customer’s in the face for some unseen slight. That’s where I first learned that before cops threw a muthafucker into the paddy wagon, if they had the fake limbs and shit the cops took em off. But that should show you that drinking is a serious business and shouldn’t be taken lightly. A friend was telling me just the other day how when he lived in the country he’d hop into a pickup with a friend and head out to the middle of a cornfield. They’d sit in the parked truck in the middle of the field drinkin beer after beer and not a word passed between em. And you know why? Because they were drinkin that’s why, and they understood that when men drank no talkin was needed. Real men don’t drink little fey concoctions out of tiny stright glasses. Real men don’t drink crap with fruit in it, well, unless they’re sucking the lime before coughing back a shot of tequila.

Now here’s a few more drinking rules I copped from “Modern Drunkard Magazine”.

1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
4. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
5. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
6. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.
7. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.
8. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
9. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
10. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
11. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.
12. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
13. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
14. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.
15. It's okay to drink alone.
16. Men don't drink from straws.
17. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
18. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
19. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
20. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
21. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
22. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
23. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
24. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
25. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
26. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
27. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
28. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
29. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass. says, "and the monkey flipped the switch"


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