small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>sweating the small stuff</strong>

Friday, May 21

sweating the small stuff

True as a muthafucker quote of the week.

"A good library collection should have something to offend everyone, if they don't, they are not doing their job.""

This came from the head of children’s services at Evanston public library in Chicago.

I’ve been sitting in a room all week learning how to fuck-up my way thru some government financial software. Can I just say “goddamn”? Talk about being skull fucked and cross-eyed. Anyway it’s Friday so let’s sweat the small stuff shall we?

A New York insurance executive was handed a bill for $28,000 after hours of pussy petting at this strip club on Manhattan’s Upper East Side. But of course the cats all about contesting the bill cause he says he only spent $2,000 dollars. You know? I read this and I can’t bring myself to give a fuckin rat’s ass. The muthafucker probably did spend the twenty-eight grand, cause if he has a habit of blowing two-grand on strippers, think of how much he’ll spend when he’s really working it. And it’s a proven fact that some people’s kids have more money then common sense. But as WE all know, when your drunken ass wakes up the next morning alone and realizes how much you chunked out for the prior nights festivities, we all wish we had a way-back machine to hop into.

And then there’s the corn eating retard up in Boston, who had a court date because his stupid drunk ass got caught pissing in public. But instead of facing the music and paying the fine or whatever, he decided to make the great escape. He had one of his equally stupid friends nail him inside a crate that was then taken to this shipping company. Him figuring that whilst “cleverly” hidden inside the crate he’d do his impression of escape from Boston. But as we all know, stupid shit never goes as planned, cause days later when his equally stupid friend received a receipt for the crate, he realized that it was still in the warehouse and he contacted the cops who ran down to the warehouse and found the crate the little fuckhole was in. Which, just to add on to the stupidness of it all, had been fitted with steel strapping. They found the cocksucker inside the crate, stinkin like a muthafucker and suffering from dehydration and just a little bit confused. It seems that the crate wasn’t schedule to leave the warehouse until the end of the month, which was fifteen days away. And get this; the crate was going to Cape Verde, just off the western coast of fuckin Africa. It’s a proven fact that god loves the stupid (why else would he make so fuckin many of em)

And last but not least in the “if it worked on Al Green it’ll work for me” category. This black chick up in Oregon………..wait, hold on a sec.
(One) I didn’t know black folk lived up in Oregon. You think I’m kidding? I’ve never in my life met a black person that said he or she was from fuckin Oregon.
(Two) I’m assuming she’s black cause her fuckin name’s Angel Shuntaria Morris. Feel me on this?
Ok? Moving on. What happened was that Shuntaria was arguing with her boyfriend who unbeknownst to himself was really fuckin up. After he finished screaming at her, the boyfriend went into the bedroom and kicked back on the bed, I guess maybe expecting an “I’m sorry” blowjob or something. Instead what the poor bastard got was a frying pan full of hot oil thrown in his face. “You want fries with that”? Oh the fuckin humanity. The cat received third degree burns to the head and chest. And you know what the best thing is about this story? The argument that started all this was over bible verses. How fucked up is that?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

2 Comments:

Blogger satyavati said...

I'm just not seeing how blowing 2K on strippers is any better, realistically speaking, than blowing 28K. Either way the guy has to pay to get some. Either way, he's a sorry ass loser. Either way, I hope they send him to collections.

I'm just a wee bit growly this morning.

6:52 AM  
Blogger Brent said...

OMG, you are so fuckin' funny!!! I'd read two of those stories, but there is no way I could have blogged about about them and made them so funny!

10:08 PM  

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