cocksucker blues

I see that folks across the world are celebrating the fifty-year anniversary of Rock & Roll, which they say started with Elvis Presley’s version of “That’s all right”. Well here’s some news for ya, Elvis did not invent rock & roll; at best, he made it acceptable to the white masses. In fact if my memory serves me correct, the over hyped big corn-fed country bastard never wrote an original song in his life. If he wasn’t doing someone else’s shit like Big Mama Thornton’s “Hound dog”, he was recording songs written by a slew of writers Col. Tom Parker kept on retainer. As a matter of fact it’s public record that Otis Blackwell, who happened to be black, wrote some of his most popular hits. And I know, I know, I can hear it from here. “But Elvis has song writing credit on all his recordings”. Jesus, shut up you whiney little bitches. That was the deal if you wanted to write for Elvis or if he liked one of your songs. Thru the heavy handed bitch slapping of Col Parker, the pie eating bastard shared song writing credits on everything that was written for him. And not because Parker wanted to make Elvis look good either. It was so that Elvis could share in the song writing royalties, thus putting more cake in Col. Parker’s fat redneck ass. Hey, did you know Elvis never preformed outside of the United States? Anyway, Elvis put himself on the map, and because he was a soft touch, personally helped more people then the Pope, but Elvis did not invent the cultural phenomenon known as Rock & Roll. And a golden cow the man’s not.

You all remember our good pal Sen. Orrin Hatch, who reps for the great state of Utah? Ole Orrin who because he moonlights as a songwriter and claims to know the evils of how music downloading can destroy a musician’s livelihood seeks to destroy all music downloader’s? Orrin who tried to push for the development of technology that could spider out across the web and seek out the computers of downloader’s and render them pieces of useless junk? Now is trying to pass a vaguely worded bill that would make it legal for entertainment companies to sue technology firms like Apple and Gateway for copywrite infringement. Laws currently in place suggest fines of $750 to $150,000 per song for copywrite infringement. A fuckin top of the line Apple's iPod holds 10,000 songs, which comes out to maybe a potential labiality of over one billion dollars per fuckin iPod. And if you figure in that over three million of the pricey muthafucker’s have been sold since 2001, that’s a lot of labiality walking around plugged into peoples ears. The bad thing about this bill is that it doesn’t even have to go thru a Senate hearing to pass. All Orin has to do is get enough people on his fucked up little bandwagon and here comes 1984. I’m just sayin is all.

Up in Vancouver a couple of crazy canook strippers got pissed off at another fellow stripper because they said she had a snotty altitude. So what do pissed off crazy Canadian strippers do in situations such as this? That’s right baby, they wait till the mirror dance is over then push a broken bottle thru the snotty chick’s fake tit rupturing her implant. If that ain’t some cold ass shit I don’t know what is. I mean beat her ass, slap her around, even push her off the stinkin stage, but don’t go after the titties. That’s just some wrong shit.

My many inside sources tell me that Paris Hilton has started her own record label called Heiress Records, and she spent the holiday weekend up in the Hampton’s celebrating its kickoff. Man, I really don’t like this chick or her mutt friend what’s her name. You know, the chick whose daddy is “allegedly” the cat from the Commodores. I think they both should be doused in pork fat and thrown into the nearest maximum security prison yard. Nearest maximum security “male” prison yard.

“The Little People of America are holding their annual convention at a Florida hotel over the next week, and while the 1,800 dwarves and family members expected to attend differ on everything from politics to the direction of the support and advocacy organization, there's one thing that bonds nearly all: For starters, "dwarf" is OK, "little people" is preferred and "midget" is offensive. It's the "m -- word" to adults who never topped 4 feet 10 because of a medical or genetic condition.” What? I know what you’re waiting on, but I can’t even go there. Did I mention that Steve gave me a VHS tape called “Midget Hardcore Wrestling” the other day, and that I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch it yet? I tried to watch a midget gangbang porno instead but I got the shakes and had to turn it off. Some shits just better left the fuck alone you know?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"