Exorcist shit going on round here

Muthafucker’s gotta know that the shit I write, either about my past or shit that personally pertains to me is the god’s truth. For being the meek, ruggedly handsome middle aged bastard that I am, I have and have had the strangest shit happen to me. And as I get older I tend to think that nothing that happens to me can surprise me anymore, but check this shit out. Last night after leaving the Hurricane I decided to swing thru the bank drive to get some cash so as to get food. So I pull up and stick my bankcard into the machine and punch in all the numbers. I hear the money slot open up and look down excepting to see my cash. But what happened next just fucked me up. I sat there and watched as my fuckin money shot out of the damn slot with enough force to bounce off the side of my car. Yeah, the goddamn ATM just upped and threw my shit over the fuckin pavement. It was like it was saying,

“you want money? Here’s your fuckin money, now go pick it up....................... Bitch”

I was all like “what the fuck” as I threw my car into reverse and hopped out to pick up my money. Then when I pulled back up to retrieve my card, instead of the computer asking me was I done, it was back to the original welcome screen, and my muthafucking card was gone! The goddamn crazy assed ATM ate my fucking bank card and wouldn’t give it back. It was nice enough to pump out the receipt but no card. By now I was in a real fuck it mood and decided to go home and work shit out. So even though I knew the fuckin machine ate my shit I couldn’t be sure that the devil possessed muthafucker wouldn’t spit it out at the next cat that pulls up. So when I got home I got online and had it canceled. Now with me being who I am, I got into the habit many years ago of never carrying cash on me. It’s a bouncing slash government thing, but that’s not important now. But I use my bank card for everything, from paying all my bills online to ordering pizza to covering my bar tab. So instead of sleeping in late this morning I had to get my ass out in the rain and go to my bank to reorder another one. I told my tale to the customer service chicks and they were as shocked as I was. Never had they heard such a thing, but they held my hand, walked me thru things and set me back up, so in a few days I should be good to go. Has this ever happened to anyone else?  

"and the monkey flipped the switch"