death by pork rind

Dumbass move of the night.

I’m laying in bed reading my new edition of Maxim, which I think is man’s answer to Cosmopolitan. Yes, no? Anyway I’m flippin pages and eating hot & spicy pork rinds and in the back of my head I’m thinkin “damn, these are really hot”. At the same time I took a hugeass bite and for some fucked up reason the fuckin pork rind shattered into a thousand pieces and all this hot & spicy shit went into my eye. Pain pain pain pain! I’m rollin around in bed screaming like a woman crumpling pork rinds everywhere and makin more of a mess whilst my eye is burnin like a sonofabitch when I went all dumbass and decided to wipe my eye with my pork rind encrusted hand. The shitting pain redoubled its efforts and I jumped out of bed to run to the bathroom and throw water on my face, but in my haste to flee to the bathroom I hit the door jamb with my little toe. Now I had pain on top and pain on the bottom, and in the middle of all this my bladder decided he wanted some of the action. And as I’m stooped over the toilet with my head drippin water from stickin it in the shower and my little toe doing that painful throb that only smashed toes can do, and my cock’s on fire from grippin it with my hot & spicy pork rind encrusted hand. All I can think of is,

"no wonder I don't get laid often"

"and the monkey flipped the switch"