doctor doctor, my balls hurt whenever I do this

Last night hanging at the Hurricane after work the bartender had the John Holmes documentary playing on the big screen. Being an old school fan of porn I saw a lot of familiar faces from the seventies and eighties plus of course ole Johnny Wad himself. I was impressed to learn a lot of facts about John Holmes I wasn’t aware of. Like that his first wife was a straight nurse and not in the porn industry, and yes he was a legitimate thirteen inches. Muthafucker had a cock so big it needed an elbow, but in the end John fell to the evils of drug addiction and Aids and died. Just goes to show having the biggest dick on the block doesn’t make you any smarter. It was odd that during the majority of the movie there was nothing but guy’s in the bar. I’m just sayin. I was sitting next to Corey and we talked bikes most of the time. Corey’s waiting on his 2003 Indian Scout to get freighted in and that’s what the discussion revolved around, along with various bikes I’ve been looking at. Later on Corey’s wife Sara showed up, she’s been up north with Mr. Wilson at this wine bar most of the afternoon. So with the way things turned out Corey had to leave to take Wilson home whilst I hung there with Sara. She got tired of waiting and looked over at me and suggested we head back to her place and hop in the hot tub. Which we proceeded to do, and a bit later Corey showed up. I was doing much better in the hot tub this time around. For some reason I wasn’t a buoyant as before and didn’t seem in any danger of floating to the top. That is until Sara motioned me to the other end of the tub to meet her dogs, and as soon as my ass broke suction I started rising ass first. For some reason I panicked and found myself screaming,

“watch out, I’m coming up”!

But as luck would have it the only folks that saw my giant ass break the surface was the dogs who I swear turned their backs and started snickering. Uppity furry bastards. Anyway after a couple of hours I had turned into one big wrinkle and decided it was time for me to go home. So Sara and Corey and their smart-assed dogs went inside whilst I got dressed. Now with it being no huge secret that I’m not exactly gazelle nimble, I carefully attempted to climb out of the hot tub. I stood and swung one lag over the side and after getting my balance I proceeded to swing the other leg over. But somehow I slipped whilst straddling the edge of the tub and plopped down right on top of my balls. Now as guys will tell you the balls are the most sensitive part of a man’s body. And there’s the odd thing about the balls. When you get em hit there’s this split second delay between the time you hit em and the time you feel the pain. Which meant that when I sat on my balls the first thought in my head was,

“fuck, this ain’t good”?

Then the pain hit and I toppled over onto Corey’s and Sara’s deck. All I could do was lay there as wave after wave of pain rolled over me. But I made myself crawl to my clothes because in pain or not I couldn’t let the stupid dogs find me buck assed nekked and twitching on the deck. Oh hell no, that just wouldn’t do. By the time everybody came back out I at least had my pants and shirt on so it wasn’t too embarrassing. Corey being the man that he is felt sympathy for me along with Sara, whilst the dogs snickered. I need to work on my dismount a bit more.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"