must'a had a touch of the vapors

For no special reason or because I’m having a good day for a change, I gonna throw up the very first thing I ever sent out to the stinkin masses via the Internet. This came as the result of being on the end of an e-mail chain started by a bunch of intellectual types as to what hell really was. Or if it existed at all. After reading the original letter and reading all the replies, it came to me what’s wrong with most so-called intellectual types. They tend to over think shit and by doing so miss the big picture and end up sounding fucked up. Now with me having met the requirements needed to join at least one high intelligence club, but too cheap to pay the dues I felt myself qualified to answer their e-mail about hell. I found out later I caused a bit of a stir, which I’ve never quite understood. So here you go from October 13, 2000.

What a crock of shit! It always amazes me how everyone thinks they have the right idea on what HELL is all about.
I pondered on if I should answer this in jest or in truth. I’ll leave it for you to figure out.

HELL is neither hot or cold. HELL is not down there, nor is HELL over there. HELL is a lot closer then you think. Some people are in HELL for years before they figure it out, and even then they’re not sure. Some folks even enjoy the concept that they are in HELL. There is no HEAVEN just various levels of HELL. There is no GOD or SATAN, just an absentee landlord. The all night laundry is open but no one’s working the counter. The guy walking down the street talking to himself? Who in HELL do you think he’s talking with? You think he’s going through HELL, no, he’s fucking happy; he’s having a good time. To him HELL is a soft seat at the free lunch counter. Think I’m bullshitting you? Step in front of one of these guys and they’ll give you the most annoyed or puzzled look. And you know why! You just took them out of the loop. You put them on hold! You’re like bad call waiting! Bad move on your part. HELL is listening to me rant! HELL is watching happy people and trying to figure out JUST WHAT IN THE HELL THEY ARE SO DAMN HAPPY ABOUT! HELL is the women sitting next to me at the lunch counter and moving her purse because she thinks I’m gonna grab the damn thing. HELL is me grabbing her instead! HELL is some asshole stepping in front of me interrupting my DAMN conversation!

IT DOESN’T MATTER
WHO I’M TALKING WITH, IT MATTERS THAT YOU STOPPED ME FROM ENJOYING MYSELF! DO YOU REALIZE HOW LONG IT’S GONNA TAKE ME TO GET BACK ON LINE! DO YOU! DAMN YOU! DAAAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!

"and the monkey flipped the switch"