the news and the other white meat

Since I was up so fuckin early I started flipping through all the news channels to see what was up in the world. Here’s some of the more interesting shit I picked up on between watching the news and a kickass Buffy rerun where she’s living in LA and ends up fighting all these fucked up faced demons.

Somewhere in the air between Belgian and Vienna a Belgian airliner made an emergency landing after a pissed off kitty-cat snuck into the cockpit and attacked the pilot. I guess the plane had been in the air for about twenty minutes when some chick’s cat escaped from its kitty carrier. And whilst meals and shit were being served the furry little psychopath slipped it’s ass into the cockpit and freaked out and started tearing the pilot a new asshole. The pilot being that he was from Brussels decided that instead of beating the kitty’s ass and tossing it down the la’crapper, he should turn the plane around and make an emergency landing back in Brussels. I guess now the fuckin airlines gonna review it’s procedures for letting fuckin pets fly business class instead of in the shittin hold where they belong. My many inside sources tell me that the government’s checking the stupid cat for ties to al-Qaida.

Republican Alan Keyes decided to tear Democratic rival Barack Obama' a new asshole over Brak’s views on abortion Monday, calling them "the slaveholder's position"? The conservative former diplomat started his first full day of campaigning as the GOP candidate by saying Brak, a state senator from Chicago, had violated the principle that all men are created equal by voting against a bill that would have outlawed a form of late-term abortion. Keyes goes on to say that he’d would still be picking cotton if the country's moral principles had not been shaped by the Declaration of Independence? The Fuck? Anyway he also says that his opponent has broken and rejected those principles, and he’s has taken the slaveholder's position. Whatever, I myself think that Keyes needs to shut the fuck up and get off Brak’s ass. What is it with black folk that the first time two of em run against each other for a Senate position, representing separate parties, one of em has to come out of the gate talking shit. Fuck politico’s who insist on doing their best to damage the other instead of showcasing their own skills and the points on which they stand. Next thing you know Keyes will be calling Brak high yella and shit and telling em that he’s not black enough. What Keyes needs to be doing is pulling that subway token out’a his pocket and taking a good long look at it. If you get my fuckin drift and shit.

And fey rock star Dave Matthews made the news when it came to light that it might have been his tour bus that emptied it’s waste tanks onto a boatful of innocent tourists. Yeah, it seems that a boat load of folks were taking a tour down the Chicago River, and as they passed under this bridge, shit and piss rained down all over em. About a hundred and twenty passenger’s were on the top deck of the boat and as they passed under the Kinzie Street Bridge which happens to have a grated deck, a shitload of raw sewage from a rock star type tour bus cascaded down on top of every fuckin body on the top deck of the boat. Some sharp-eyed tourist was able to clear the shit from his eye’s long enough to write down a partial plate number off the bus and it led police to one of Dave Matthew’s tour buses. Of course Dave feigned innocence, sayin he didn’t do shit.

Over in Manila a man and his two sons have been arrested on suspicion of killing a neighbor and then eating parts of his body. The three family members beat and stabbed the cat to death and then threw his dead ass over the fire and after garnishing with a sprig of mint and parsley for color, ate his ears, tongue and arms. All this was done in the spirit of retribution for the dead cat having two left feet and tripping over the father’s daughter at a dance. Damn, how fucked up is that? Around here the least that happens if you step on some cat’s shoes is getting shot. But could you hear the father talking to his two sons? “Dammit, what you mean you’re not hungry, you better eat some of this muthafucker. I haven’t sweated over a hot fire all day to eat this shit by myself. Don’t make me put some bass in my voice or that’s both your asses”. Ha, the other white meat. I’m just sayin is all.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"