scary zombie crap from the archives

I should’a never watched that stupid fuckin movie Resident Evil; I’m still having nightmares about flesh eating-zombie’s coming after me. I start dreaming about sex or puppies and here come the flesh-eating zombies bum rushing everything. I’m outside my office building having a smoke and I can’t stop thinking about what I’d do if flesh-eating zombies came rushing out of the building after me. I even dreamed I had sex with a flesh-eating zombie chick. Of course with her being the flesh-eating zombie that she was I had to tie her arms up and shit so that she couldn’t bite me, cause you know if they bite you or even scratch you your ass turns into one. And don’t give me shit cause I dreamed I had mad sex with one, your dreams are the last thing you have control over. But it was disturbing nevertheless. And speaking of movies, if you’re a fan of the Japanese anime series “La Blue Girl”, the Japanese have put out a live version of the series. It’s pretty cool but watching Japanese folks fuck still reminds me of kittens fucking, but when it comes to Japanese bondage skills their Kung Fu is most strong indeed. And of course if a Japanese chick stepped up to me and wanted to ride the pony I’d be most happy to oblige, or at the least give it serious thought. Oh great, now I’m gonna start dreaming about Japanese zombie chicks dammit! There’s few things I’m afraid of, drowning, letting my friends down, ghosts, zombies, normal shit like that. But the other day my fear of horror movies caused me to tell a friend to go and fuck off. It’s no great secret that I won’t watch horror movies, I don’t really hide that from anyone, and as a matter of fact that’s one of the first things people getting to know me learn, cause the last thing I need is to meet a new friend who goes, “hey Greg, come over and watch movies with me and they put on a zombie flick and I’m a pissy puddle of fear on their couch. And I’ll tell you why, I’ve always had a very active imagination, and having an active imagination can get your ass into all sorts of bullshit. Take for example; I’m sleeping and I hear someone scream my name as loud as they can. Sounds harmless right? But it takes on a different aspect when you realize I’m in the house alone. Huh? See? So the first thing I says is did I dream the voice or is there something up in here with me, and does it know I’m buck-assed nekked? So there I am pulling the sheet up over me cause I’m imagining something’s in there with me. And on a second note, do ghosts give a rat’s ass if you’re buck-assed nekked or not? Anyway, now my imagination’s all freaking out and shit cause it won’t let go of the fact that I’m not alone. Which brings me to the issue at hand, yeah, the fuckin issue of watching horror movies. I got bored late one night and was sitting in front of the TV channel flippin. This movie came on, now me being the ignorant muthafucker that I am I didn’t have a clue what the movie was all about. Hell, I thought it was on a science fiction tip if you wanna know the truth cause of the way it started out. So I start watching it but then partway thru it out came the stinkin, brain eating zombies. And just between you me, and who gives a fuck? Zombies scare the living crap out’a me. I can’t stands em. And I know what you muthafucker’s are sayin, “hey ya dumb fucker, why didn’t you just change the fuckin channel?” well it ain’t easy like that, once I see the zombies, I’m powerless to change the channel. It’s like I take this huge breath and I’m holding it during the whole stinkin movie and I can’t move. And here’s the worst thing, once the zombies are all done with the pillage, and the carnage, and the killin, and the brain eating, and all the nefarious shit that zombie muthafucker’s do, then I go to bed. That’s when I start dreaming about the undead muthafucker’s. Even when I’m awake I imagine zombies peaking out from underneath shit waiting to get me. It’s a horrible thing I tell ya, and it could be any horror movie, they all have the same affect in that I dream about em. But zombies are the worst; it got so bad that everywhere I looked I kept seein em. But seriously, it can be

zombies, werewolves, mutants with the runny pus drippin off their faces, giant spiders, certain serial killers with a affinity for chainsaws. The evil slugs, blobs, mummies, Frankenstein, faceless killers in the shadows, big snakes, horny Appalachian rednecks in bibs.

You all get my drift right? I see the horror movie, I dream about the horror movie. Thus I don’t watch the fuckin things, simple enough?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"