sweatin the small stuff

Ok, it’s time for another Friday’s edition of sweating the small stuff. So lets open up the paper and see what’s pissing me off.

Up in the New Jersey this little eight-year-old girl who has this fucked up stomach thingie that prevents her from eating wheat has had her first Holy Communion thrown out by the Church because the wafer she ate contained no wheat, which so sayth the Church violates Roman Catholic doctrine. According to Church doctrine the Communion wafers, like the bread served at the Last Supper, must have at least some unleavened wheat in it and Church leaders are refusing to change anything about the sacrament. The little girl who’s goes by the name Haley was diagnosed with celiac sprue disease when she was 5. The disorder occurs in people with a genetic intolerance of gluten, a food protein contained in wheat and other grains. And according to my many sources, when you have this disease and eat shit that contains gluten it damages the lining of the small intestine, blocking nutrient absorption and leading to vitamin deficiencies, bone-thinning and sometimes gastrointestinal cancer. Yeah, everything a growing little girl doesn’t need. So even though eating the fuckin holy wafer will cause great harm to Haley or even death, the fuckin Church is saying that shit’s finial, and unless Haley eats the wheat wafer she doesn’t get Communion and might as well become one of Satan’s little bitches. Well, isn’t that fuckin special? Now, if I remember right, ain’t the fuckin wafer and wine supposed to be symbolic and shit? The fuckin wafer represents the body of Christ, and the wine represents the blood and shit. Did I get that right? So if it’s all symbolism what should anyone care what the little girl eats at Communion? Shit, give her a diet coke and a chicken leg and let that represent Christ. Goddamn, I’m just sayin is all.


As some of you know I take great delight in bringing you whatever the latest hip thing teenagers are doing in the endless search for that big rush. Whither it be huffing till the little fucks pass out to sniffing Freon to get their rush on. So with great pride I bring to you stright from Boston. Drum roll please………………………………………………………Car Surfing!!! Yes, I said car surfing. Where the little where’s my MTV baggy pants wearing fist-fuckers will hop on a buddy’s car and whilst it’s being propelled down the road at breakneck speeds will stand or ride atop the fuckin car. And when asked by one of my many sources why, here’s what one of the little pimple-faced cum-flickers had to say.

"Why not do crazy stuff, at least while we're young?" said this dumb young bastard aged 19, who surfed on the trunk of his friend's Lexus last summer. "Once you get old, just walking up the stairs hurts."

Hey, Brainiac, why not put on glasses and run head first in the closest rock wall? Or save your parents the trouble of having to flip your brain-dead ass over in bed every few hours after you fuck yourself up after falling off your pal’s Lesux and tumbling for a hundred feet. Just avoid em all the work by shoving your face under the front tire. Kids these days. Can’t live with em, glad I don’t have em.


Thursday I spent the day home from sick with the brown bottle flu and for lunch I decide to do some movie watching. The first movie up was “Open Range” featuring Kevin Costner and Robert Duvall. If you dig western’s you’ll love this movie, but if you’re just a casual visitor to the old west, you might find your attention drifting during the first half cause it’s some real slow pacing. But the movie’s gist is that Boss and Charley played by Robert Duvall and Costner are part of a trail-herd that runs afoul of a crooked landowner and his pet sheriff. The two lose the rest of the trail crew due to some foul shit and goings on by the evil landowner’s henchmen. So they decide to get old-school and take off the kid gloves and show em how shit’s done downtown. We find out that Charley’s killed more men then cancer way back in his past and ain’t exactly wrapped very tight. Whilst Boss is just a badass old salt when he sets his mind to it. And I gots to tell you, as a fan of westerns, it made my heart soar to see how these two killed some muthafuckers. I highly recommend this movie. Make yourselves a couple of thick BLT’s and set back and enjoy.

The next movie was Hidalgo, featuring the dude from all the Lord of the Ring movies. Yeah, Viggo what’s his name played Frank Hopkins, a Pony Express rider who was famous for his long distance horse races. Who along with his wonder horse Hidalgo, traveled to Arabia to enter a three thousand mile endurance race. I found this movie to be a fuckin kick to watch. Hell, they even dusted off Omar Sharif to play an Arab sheik in the film. It was action packed and even had a decent back-story to explain some shit. I wanna say that much of the acting credit in this movie should go to the fuckin horse who seemed to steal every scene he was in. I predict great shit for this horse.

The last movie before bed was Kill Bill 2. I enjoyed it a lot though I thought the ending was kind’a lame after all the buildup and shit. Now even though I’m a fan of his films I’m not a fan of Quentin Tarentinos. I can’t stand his too cool for school attitude and his “I know something you don’t know” smirk always on his face. His movie making style reminds me of bad rap. His style is taking all his favorite films and directors and snatching bits here, and pieces there. And he does it so shamelessly. It’s cool to me when some cat pays homage to his betters, but the way Tarentino does it sometimes is almost like plagiarizing. He might as well do a cut and past. But unlike some people I do admire the way he portrays violence and shit. But my votes still out on whither he’s actually a bonifide talent, or a hundred monkey’s beating on typewriters. But here's a quote from the movie that happened just after the Bride threw a killing move on Bill.

Bill : Pai Mei taught you the five point palm-exploding heart technique?
The Bride : Of course he did.
Bill : Why didn't you tell me?
The Bride : I don't know... because I'm a bad person.
Bill : No. You're not a bad person. You're a terrific person. You're my favorite person, but every once in a while, you can be a real cunt.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"