small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>an award winning "sweatin the small stuff"</strong>

Friday, October 8

an award winning "sweatin the small stuff"

In the spirit of bestowing accolades and other like natured shit, I’d like to present a very special edition of “sweatin the small stuff”. And present my own unique awards to some very deserving people in the news.

In the “needs to be smacked across the fuckin forehead with a wooden plank" category
the winner is Miami artist Maria Alquilar for being such an uppity pretentious bitch. When the good folks in Livermore, California took the wrappings off of the new $40,000 ceramic mural she created that was just installed outside the city's new library. It was only a few minutes before some little girl said, “hey, that’s not how you fuckin spell Michelangelo is it”? It was then that everyone could see the misspelled names of Einstein, Shakespeare, Vincent Van Gogh, Michelangelo and seven other historical figures. It goes without saying that the library director was pissed along with the city council who had to unass six thousand dollars to fly Maria’s non spelling butt into town to repair her fuckup. Now’s here where Maria reached for greatness. She’s cool with fixing her fuckup but she’s not one bit apologetic about what happened. In fact ole uppity bitch is quoted as saying that
"the importance of this work is that it is supposed to unite people, and by pointing out these paltry mistakes they’re denigrating my work and the purpose of this work"
What, you fuckin spell worse then a snowcone eatin retard and you want to blame the people you sold your piece of shit art too for pointing this huge fuckup out to you? Oh yeah baby, for being such an asshole you might even get the full on “needs to be smacked across the fuckin forehead with a wooden plank with a running start”.

And in the “ hey, my dad has this old barn we can put the show on in!” Cool, but isn’t the barn dangerous and ready to fall down?” category
The winner goes to Phil Lalani, a hotel owner from Blackpool, England, and his girlfriend; Katrina Copsey. Who along with a group of other equally stupid people plan to tour Iraq later this month. These fine examples of Darwinism at work have paid cash money to reserve space in a tour of the country later this month with Don Lucey, a former British special-forces officer. Cost of the eight-day trip: $2,200 per person, with mandatory “you might get your ass fucked up” insurance adding another $1,000. First off I have to hand it Don. Lets see, collect all the money from the rich meat-sacks that want to tour thru fucked up Iraq. And you’re the only one with proven battle and survival skills? Hmmm, sounds like easy money in the bank to me when you take a right turn whilst the rest of the tour takes a left.
Oops, sorry, I thought they were all behind me
Fuck, you know shit’s bad when even the director of Iraq’s state run tourism board, a Mr. Ahmad al-Jobori tries to tell muthafuckers that coming down here is a bad idea. Now that’s a tough job, running Iraq’s tourism. Gotta love the new slogan
Come see the ancient wonders of Iraq! You’ll lose your head in all the excitement

And in the “damn, why can't I shake the feeling that I left something on?” category
The win goes to the asshole who’s home was being repaired after being fucked over by Hurricane Charley. The bright bulb of shit was busted by the cops the other day after the crew hired to repair his home kicked over this box of kiddy porn when they were down in the cat’s basement doing some work and shit. When the cops showed up they started searching and ended up finding enough child pornography to fill the bed of a full size pickup. Damn, what a freak flag flyin soon to be prison bitch dumbass.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Da Goldfish said...

Hey Greg, just dropping by. I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for the last eight months or so, and I just thought I’d drop by and say hi, and also that you absolutely fucking rule. Your blog is without doubt one of the best on the net – funny, angry, compassionate and wise. Also, plus points for the best use of profanity in the whole of the World Wide Wankathon. I don’t usually kiss ass like this – if you have the time/inclination, check my site for proof – but thought that it was necessary just this once.

Um…next time I might add a comment that’s actually relevant to the post. In the meantime, on with life’s grim charade!

Also, can I have your autograph…?!

5:20 PM  
Blogger Death said...

did you notice I linked you? thanks for the nice comment.

12:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Death -- I'm amazed at the ignorance running rampant in many of the comments across blog sites, etc., over this orthographic brouhaha. But your is right up there!

What -- not enough men/women/children killed in Iraq to capture your mindless attention? Not enough people going to bed hungry tonight on our own soil?

Or even better yet -- what have you ever done to spur on any particular focus on literacy/illiteracy/education? And of course being a die-hard Babs Bush supporter at any time doesn't really count.

Or do you just instead prefer to focus on trivial issues such as this to escape your own lack of meaning and/or action in life?

Get real for Christ's sake!

My own musings on the subject...for what they're worth: The arts administrators and/or public officials in Livermore ARE just as much to blame as anyone. Are their heads rolling? Are they being victimized by hatefully vile e-mails? How could they competently administer a publicly funded arts program without enough checks and balances in place to have avoided such a situation in the first place? Is anyone calling for a refund of their respective salaries, or questioning their right to have collected their paychecks in the first place?


Also -- it's my understanding the $40K payout was for a three year period. At that rate, the artist could have been working at third-shift Waffle House.

Anyway -- keep up the good work! But on this one you totally dropped the ball -- so hit yourself upside your own phuckin head with that big stick, after you pull it out of your ass that is.

3:52 PM  
Blogger Da Goldfish said...

Who the fuck is this dickhead?

6:04 PM  
Blogger Death said...

it's ok. everyone's free to leave their opinion wither they agree with me or not. but I will say that if I wrote what everybody wanted, what fun would I be then? If you want just the facts and unbiased opinion's then that's what USA Today and MSNBC is for. Not here.

9:38 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I think this anonymous person is missing the whole point of a blog --- that you can write about whatever the hell you want. If this person is that upset about the war and about other people writing about "trivial" issues, then they should start their own damn blog.

1:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't be so sensitive. Greg's a big kid. He ain't afraid of no ghosts. K Sose.

5:00 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

My only comment on "Anonymous" is...when you're ranting, do refrain from using the phrase, "Big Duh" unless you want to be thought of as a gum-snapping, claw-banged peroxide blonde straight outta the Gap. I don't know why..."Big Duh" just sounds that way.

1:48 PM  

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