things that go bump in the night part three

Just got one more ghost thingy I wanted to share with you muthafuckers. Some years after the apartment episode I owned this huge old house on the west side. If you’re a regular reader of the column you’ve heard about the house before. I shared the house with “keep up with me here” two strippers, four cats, one dog, and a rabbit. Trust me, the Partridge Family we wasn’t, but that was one of the more happier periods in my life. I was traveling a lot with the MAN and when I was in town I spent all my nights bouncing at the Lone Star. On top of all this I had this huge house I was trying to redo and there we were, my odd little extended family trapped dead center in the middle of this old residential neighborhood. The house was built in 1904 and the rumor was that the house was once a Nunnery, and that if I was to dig up the basement I’d find the bones of aborted fetuses. I blew this off to the neighbor’s giving the new guy on the block a ration of shit, you know? I never told none of the roommates cause I knew how they were when they got noisy. The last thing I wanted was the two of them trying to dig up the basement. Which by the way, was a whole world into it’s self. In the ten plus years I owned the house I never ever saw a bug from the first floor to the third. The basement was the reason why. When you entered the basement it was like walking into a crypt. The whole place was strung with these hugeass spider webs, and the spider’s hanging from em had to be the size of my fucking hand. They were the reason I never had a problem with bugs, or mice. At least it was that way in the house. If you were to walk into the garage it was another thing,

you’d see rats so big they had ass cheeks,

I fucking kid you not. The area I lived in was perched on top of a huge network of underground caverns. I’d been in these caverns before and seen the rats that lived down there. They were kissing cousins to the same ones I’d see in my garage. But it all kind’a worked out. We all had this strange meshugen (crazy) kind of understanding. I don’t fuck with the spiders and they don’t fuck with me. The rats with the big asses would stay out of the house and I wouldn’t throw the cats into the garage. Though between just us, I wasn’t so sure the cats could take em. But ghosts, they were another thing all together. One night the roommates were both out working and I happened to be home by myself, or I should say I was home by myself with four cats, one dog, and a rabbit. I was on the second floor watching this fucked up movie. Remember the movie “IT”, the one that had the Clown named Pennywise scaring the crap out of people? Yeah, that was on the TV that night. Normally I don’t watch scary shit cause when your head works like mine does, the last thing it needs is a push. But for some fucked up reason there I was, you know? I was sitting on this huge couch and next to it was a doorway, which leads out to the second floor landing. If you were to look out the door you’d see three more doorways and the stairwell leading to the third floor. So anyway I’m watching this movie and shit starts happening. Up until now I hadn’t given much thought to Mary the ghost or any other ghost for quite some time. Everything’s been fairly normal on the supernatural front and I figured that she never found me and I was cool. But you know how shit rolls. I’m on the couch when all of a sudden all four cats come into the room. Or I should say they backed into the room. You gotta figure, as a whole, cats don’t usually walk backwards. They acted like they were trying to move away from something in front of em. They got halfway into the room then stopped. Then what happened next made my balls shrink. I felt something sit down on the couch next to me. I freaked, get me the fuck out of here, but I couldn’t fuckin move. The cats were sitting on the floor in a perfect row staring at something just to the right of me. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t turn my head to see what was there. But I could feel something staring at me. In front of the couch and behind the TV was this big bay window, and I could see my reflection in the window, I could see part of the couch I sat on and part of the wall behind me. But that was it, there was nothing showing from my right side to the end of the couch. This lasted for maybe three minutes or more then the fuckin phone rang. When that phone broke the silence I freaked, the cats freaked, and we all screamed like little bitches. One cat freaked so bad he crapped himself. I yanked the phone to my ear and this Darth Vader voice said; “go look in the basement”. Then hung up. What the fuck! Look in the fucking basement! After what I just went through I wasn’t in the mood for fuckin prank calls. I tried to think who would call me pulling shit like this, but nobody came to mind. I figured fuck it; I’d go to bed and try to sleep it off. But around three AM the phone rang again. I thought it might be one of the roommates needing a ride so I grabbed it up. It was the deep voice again; “I said go look in the basement”!! Screw it, I’ll just stay awake the rest of the night. When the roommates got home there I was sitting on the front porch with the four cats, one dog, and the rabbit. When the sun came up I got my gun and headed into the basement. But I played it safe, I shoved the dog and a couple of the cats in first then slammed the door. I waited till my cigarette went out then opened the door. The pets came out so quick they damn near knocked me down. I peeked in and slammed the door. I thought it over and figured what I don’t fuck with can’t fuck with me. So I slapped two deadbolts on the basement door and left well enough alone. Mama didn’t raise no fool. I hoped.

"and the zombiefied stinkin living dead monkey flipped the switch"