sweatin the small stuff

Thanksgiving day with the family quote of the day.

“I may not be pretty, but I can fry some chicken and eat pussy. what more do you need? And I even got a job”

This from me in response to all the accolades I received over my cooking yesterday. Which means we can file Thanksgiving into file 13 and wait for Christmas and New Years to come and go. I spent yesterday with the family and I was up early that morning frying chicken for all to enjoy. To my pleasant surprise my chicken went over like gangbusters. Hell, I had two marriage proposals and one of those came from one of my aunts. I hung out until the table got cleared and everyone started playing cards cause much to my shame; I seem to be the only black person in the United States that doesn’t know how to play cards. So I came home and climbed into my robe and spent the rest of the evening watching TV and surfing the Internet. This morning at the bus stop I had to forgo my usual morning coffee because the Broadway Coffee Shop opened an hour later then normal and I just couldn’t bring myself to walk into the fuckin Starbucks and shit. But whilst sitting on the bus stop this bum comes walking by and asks me if I have a knife. And what is with white people thinking that every black man and Mexican carries a knife? “Oh look honey, lets ask that large Negro, I’m sure he has a knife”. Whatever, anyway it seems that the cat had succeeded in shoplifting a bottle of wine from somewhere but to his angst it had a cork in it and he was jonesing something fierce because he couldn’t get it out. Poor dumb bastard, I would’a loved to see his face when he got to his spot after stealing the bottle and after pulling the bottle of wine from his pants where he hid it, discovered that instead of a screw top, it had a fuckin cork in it. He walked up the block and parked his ass on Monkey Island and for the next half hour I watched as he sat there poking sticks and shit into the bottle trying to get the cork out. After a bit he gave up and started rummaging thru the trashcans until he came up with someone’s tossed piece of pizza from the night before. The last I saw of him he was walking off munching on the pizza still clutching his unopened bottle of wine. Not a lot in the news today catching my eye but here's your weekly edition of "sweatin the small stuff".


Some kid walked into a Wisconsin police station and after walking up to the desk, told the doughnut killers behind the desk that he had a problem and need their help. He dropped his pants to show em the padlock that’s been locked around his nutsac for the past three days. After spitting up doughnuts and picking themselves up off the floor the cops gave the kid a master key. The kid waddles into the bathroom and comes out a few minutes later with the lock in hand. The cops let the kid go after a stern lecture about sexual experimentation and how he needs to be more careful with his shit in the future.


And in a perfect example of two wrongs don’t make shit right. In Springdale, Pennsylvania the local police chief used the dreaded “nigger” word whilst throwing two black teenagers into the lockup. When the parents of the little Nubian scallywags showed up to go their bail and heard from the kids what the police chief called em, the parents cried “foul racism”. That’s when the chief’s younger brother who’s also a police office came to big brothers rescue. In front of the parents he grabbed one of the black little nappy haired bastards and kissed him full on the mouth, proclaiming “does that taste like racism”? In the deafening silence that followed my inside sources tell me that the police chief was heard to mutter, “ohmygod, why do you have to be such a freak now”? But the Black parents just stood there undaunted saying, “on the list where we check marked racism, why don’t you go ahead and mark sexual assault on that muthafucker while you're at it”?


image:iamlost.com
In Alaska the principle of this Christian school decided to show a couple of his misbehaving students some tough love. After catching two of the boys kissing girls in the locker room for the second time in a week, the principle marched everyone down to the school’s basement to deal out his choice of punishment. He told the students that this kissing shit has to stop and every time I catch you muthafuckers fucking up this is what’s gonna happen. And with that he took off the thick leather belt he was wearing and handed it to this teacher that had followed the group down to the basement.

Brother Steven, I want you to beat me like I owe you money"

And with that the teacher commenced to whipping the blue jesus fuck out of the principle in front of the students.

“This is what happens to bad boys when they fuck up in front of the lord”. “No Steve, you have to whip me harder, here, let me drop my pants, yeah that’s better. See what you get, see what you get? Hhhhhuuuuuuuuuhhhhh, oh yeah baby, that’s how the lord likes it, smack that ass, c’mon, give it to me, give-it-to-meeeee”! “Jesus likes it nasty, yeah baby, oh yes he does”

Later when the school’s board of director’s asked him what was his fuckin malfunction, the principle told him that the disciplinary action was inspired by Jesus who came to him in a dream.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"