small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>can I get some fries with that shake?</strong>

Thursday, December 2

can I get some fries with that shake?
I see down in Florida where this chick walked into her bedroom and as she snapped on the light two heads pop out from underneath the sheets. One head belonged to her husband and the other belonged to Gin-Gin, her parent’s beagle that she was dog-sitting. Not a big deal in itself except for the fact that her husband happened to have his cock shoved up Gin-Gin’s ass. Chick freaks out and calls the cops and end of story. But it makes you wonder doesn’t it, I mean how bad does shit have to get to make you want to fuck the dog? Is it just the urge to stick your dick into anything handy, like all the stories you read about where some old cooter keeps getting his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner? Or is he at the point where his wife is so fuckin ugly that beagle pussy looks better? That story reminded me of the small town where my folks came from where they had this guy that was always getting caught fucking the livestock and shit. The way the story was told he’d fuck a cow so hard it would die. The cat wore these big assed waders and the way he’d do shit was to sneak behind ole Bossy and stick her back feet inside his waders and off to bang town he’d go. From what they told me the dude was built like a retard John Holmes, so as a result of this he’d rupture the cow and they’d die from internal bleeding. Damn, no wonder the cat fucked cows and sheep and bulls and shit, no woman in her right mind would go near em. Anyway, it does make for an interesting visual doesn’t it. It’s a hot day in West Texas and out in the green fields among all the cow shit is ole stupid Junior banging the bejesus out of some cow who’s bawling it’s ass off. He’s wearin nothing but some old ripped up overalls and a pair of mud caked waders. Muthafucker’s smackin that cow ass and singing old negro spirituals at the top of his lungs.
swing low sweet chariot come to take me home
Which is interspersed with cries of
I’m ah fuckin, I’m ah fuckin!
To tell the truth I think I actually saw this cat down in the Missouri boot hill area a couple of years ago.
I had to go down to Popular Bluff, which is at the southern tip of the Missouri boot hill in the Ozarks to do some shit for the Man. Took me damn near eight muthafuckin hours to drive down there. I wasn’t able to take my regular vehicle but had to rely on this crappy assed rental van with no air or cruise control. One thing I realized is that driving without cruise control sucks ass, especially in that part of the country cause it’s all up and down big hills and all curvy and shit. Fuck, I was so far into the fuckin country that all the rock stations faded out and all I could get on the dial was Merle Haggard and Conway Twitty or the fuckin local farm report. Odd thing though, once I got to Popular Bluff they had a local rock station that was heavy on the hard alternative rock and the hip-hop and I got to hear some shit on the radio that never gets played up here. But on the way down I did see some cool shit, the countryside views were great and when you topped over a small mountain and all you could see was green valley’s for miles it made you believe in god again. And speakin of god I saw his son Jesus walkin up I-70 between Kansas City and St. Louis, yeah, in case you’ve been wondering, Jesus came back as a short fat white guy. At least that’s what this cat looked like walkin down the freeway draggin this huge cross behind him. He seemed happy though; he smiled and threw me a wave but it got me to thinking, what kind of bad shit does a muthafucker got to do to feel that he has to walk miles in the hot sun carrying an eight foot cross to repent? Maybe it’s some kind of new fitness craze. Lose weight through God. Just grab on to the nearest cross and start your crazy ass to walkin. But anyway the whole point of this is that once I got deep into the Ozarks I kept seeing houses and mobile homes scattered all off in the woods. I passed this one clearing in the woods that had a couple of trailers joined end to end with a bunch of old cars lying in the yard. But what killed me was the sight of this huge fat cat riding a bicycle through the yard wearin nothing but black shorts and red suspenders and waders. After seeing him I just knew there was a cow somewhere back of the house with a busted o-ring. Hillbilly lovin isn’t for the faint of heart, be you animal or human.
“Whoooooodoggy! Lookie here Ma, I’m ah fuckin old Bossy something fierce! Dang Ma, you and sissy ain’t this tight!” “Dammit Zeb! Now you just climb off the back of that old cow and come in here and fetch up to yer supper before these here coon gets cold!”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger satyavati said...

LMAO.. look dammit.. put a warning on your blog that those with weak bladders will need Depends.. though, I can't imagine a man killin a cow unless he got a baseball bat between his legs.. have you ever seen a bull's thingie? Good lord.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Death said...

hey, I'm just repeating what I heard. and you said "bull thingie", hah!

2:41 PM  

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