small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>fuck me runnin</strong>

Tuesday, December 21

fuck me runnin

the gift that tells her you're ready
Since I seem to be falling into my annual holiday season black pit of depression, which I can’t fuckin stand cause I have no fuckin idea what brings it on. Cause what the fuck do I have to be depressed about? Not a goddamned thing I tell ya, I got a good job, my health and the health of my family are good. But every stinking year around this time I seem to fall into the senseless antisocial time-sucking manic thing that just fucks me up. So I think I’ll bag on a few things that seem to be bugging the fuck out’a me.

1. I can’t fucking stand those body spray commercials that seem to be all over the fucking TV. “Hot bod, hot bod, I want your bod!” Screw you and your bod. And the little syphilitic cum-guzzling whores they show hopping up and down wanting to fuck you cause you smell good ain’t nothing more then walking retroactive abortions, especially the one chick in the one commercial featuring the fake band.

2. Another thing that bugs me are those shows on VH-1 where they got all these muthafuckers talking about the best of, or the worst of, or this list or that list. Where do they get these fucking people from and what makes em so Mr. and Mrs. know it fuckin all? They’re not the least bit funny or witty, so what the fuck are they good for? If I was some actor or actress and I saw one of these lame fucks mocking me on national TV I’d break my foot so far off in their ass that’ll it take a fuckin exorcism to remove it.

3. I can’t stand Martin Lawrence. Every time that step & fetchit muthafucker shows up in a movie or TV, he sets black folk back fifty years.

4. And while I’m at it how about sending a hearty “fuck you” to Eddie Murphy for being such a Buckwheat, no role picking cocksucker. Hey Dr. Dolittle, how fucked up is shit that you’ve fallen so low to a Michael Jacksonesque level of talent that your “I ain’t done shit but be a hanger-on most of my life” older brother is now more famous then you?

5. And on a personal note I’d like to take a certain kitty cat and stuff his stalkin ass into the microwave. You all remember the cat I talked about that keeps trying to run into my house every chance he gets? Well check this out. The other night I start pulling guns and shit cause I hear somebody fucking with the screen door on my front porch. I snap open the blinds thinking I’m gonna see some crackhead but it’s that stupid cat. The furry little fist fucker has climbed up on my screen door and is in the process of ripping out the fucking screen? This makes the second screen he’s fucked over and I think its time for hello-kitty to meet Mr. Hefty Trashbag.

6. And this is an old one but fast food restaurants chap my ass. The quality of service makes me so fucking angry. How many times have you pulled into the drive-thru of a fast food joint and there’s not another car in sight. What a sweet deal you think, I’ll get my food quick and get the fuck out of here. But when you pull up to the menu to order you’re told to wait. What the fuck is there to wait for! Finally you place your order and pull up to the window, now you gotta wait again for your food to get prepared. Oh, and don’t confuse the mouth-breather on the other side of the window by making them have to figure your change. “Sir, your order is $6.78”. So, in order to clear out your cup holder you hand the bastard $11.78. Congratulations, you just broke the fuckers concentration. Instead of just handing you a five-dollar bill and your food, dumbass has to call the manager cause he can’t figure out the change. And don’t even try to tell em what the change should be; they’ll think you’re trying to get over on em. Now you got your food and you head home, you hit the door, grab a piece of the couch and turn on the TV. You start pulling things out of the sack and you realize………the fucking fish sandwich is fucking missing! Muthafuck! You’re so pissed you get a hard-on. You run screaming out of the house and leap into the car and bust ass getting back up to fast food hell. By now you’re so angry you’ve pee’ed yourself and you can’t stop hyperventilating. Your bowls are loose and blood is leaking from the corners of your eyes. You rush thru the door and bellow for the manager, some Joe Friday looking muthafucker comes out from the back and asks if he can help you. Help me? Help me? Yeah you can help me! I didn’t get my fucking fish sandwich! And in the clearest, most condescending voice imaginable, the manager says; Sir, may I see your receipt. You think quickly. The receipt is at home on the couch. As the manager smiles, you can’t help but notice how yellow his teeth are. As he tells you; no receipt, no service, you now understand why so many fast food restaurants are robbed every day. It’s not about the money. It’s all about not getting the fish sandwich.

Dammit, I would come up with more but I gotta go pee.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger me said...

I feel ya Greg, I can't wait for this shit to be overwith. My roomie's brother had posted "If I hear one more mother fucker so much as even hum jingle bells, I'm going to hang him" and I told him that I would help him prepare the rope. I fucking hate Christmas music, I mean hate it with a passion, it's overkill at this time of year.

About the cat, KILL THAT LIL BASTARD, one less cat in the world would take a little away from my depression. Stupid fuzzy annoying scratching meowing little sons-a-bitches...DIE FUCKERS.

Fast food, where do I begin, I guess you said most of it, but the fucking 12 year old managers alone piss me off. Getting the food wrong, the whole fucking thing you talked about is true, and yes I want to take a roll of receipt tape and shove it right up their ass when they do that.

Making change is a whole other issue with me, how fucking hard is it really, and why do the older people know how to make change, and it fucks up all these young ones, that's so fucking sad!!! I had a girl ask me one time, "What's your change supposed to be?"....WHAT THE FUCK???? If I were dishonest I could say whatever amount I wanted, but I took greater satisfaction in making her feel stupid 1. for asking and 2. for not knowing the change.

2:35 PM  
Blogger Nightmare said...

Christmas Sucks big assed donkey Cock

Cats are Satan's Minions

Fast Food restuarants are the Bane of humanity. I can remember when Micky D's still had a real number on the sign. "Over 150,000 Served" (I know I'm old)and Real fucking food in the kitchen! it was served in non-biodegradeable styro-foam. The Big Mac was the BIG FUCKING MAC, and it wasn't the size of a fucking little debbie fucking snack cake! I can remember when ALL of the food was actualy cooked in the kitchen of the restuarant you were standing in. I can remember the guy behind the counter was fucking happy to see you there and not full of some sort of fucking attitude, like they are doing YOU a favor by serving a fucking meal you wouldn't feed a fucking stray dog!

I love to hate!

3:29 PM  
Blogger Rusty said...

I agree about those VH1 shows. They are a cool retrospective, but those assholes need to be shown the door. You know what I want for Christmas? To smash in Mo Rocca's face with a ball bat. Smarmy bastard.

Just let the damn cat in Greg! It's wearing you down, and it's about time you had another cat.

5:28 PM  
Blogger pomegranate said...


i'm laughing a lot.


7:22 AM  
Blogger Sid said...

ROFLMFAO @ # 5&6. Holy shit, that was fuckin' hilarious. ROFLMFAO! Cuz I thought about it and started laughing again....

10:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, I know you were bummin' about stuff when you wrote that, but I've got tears streaming down my face I'm laughing so hard (and it's really bad, because I'm at work and the people in the lobby think I'm laughing at them. Which yeah, a little bit as always but ... damn I think I just busted my abs here)!
~sheri =D

4:41 AM  
Blogger Berry said...

Um, why do you look like Barry White in that Santa suit? Is it just me by chance? LMAO!

12:50 AM  

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