lazy day at the races

The other day Michelle and I decided that since it was my birthday we were both gonna take off from work and do nothing but sit around the house and watch movies and eat bad food. We started off with the movie “Galaxy Quest” which starred Tim Allen, Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman, Tony Shalhoub, and Sam Rockwell. It’s about the cast of this defunct Sci-Fi TV show who are approached by real Aliens to help save their world. I saw this movie for the first time in ninety-nine when it first came out and really enjoyed it. The movie deals with the cast of this Star Trek type show from back in the early seventies who’ve been reduced to working Sci-Fi conventions and grand openings kind of shit. But there’s this race of Aliens who come to earth seeking their help thinking that because of old TV footage they’ve seen, that the cast is the real shit. The whole movie is a great rip on the old Star Trek crew and Sigourney Weaver looks hot as hell with blond hair and shit.

The second movie we watched was “Hero” starring Jet Li and it also featured Ziyi Zhang who if you remember was that evil little murderous hump in the second Rush Hour movie and she also starred in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”. This movie would rank as one of the heavier movies I’ve watched as of late. Due to it being spoken in Chinese and subtitled and it’s very intricate wheels within wheels plot. One of the first things about this film that we noticed was its very lavish use of colors throughout the whole film, and the martial arts in the film were of the old school variety and the fight scenes are worth their weight in gold. As I said earlier the plot is very intricate and if you’re stoned or just stupid don’t waste your time watching it cause you’ll get bored and angry because of all the shit you’ll be missing. But basically the movie is about this emperor in China who decides that the only way any shit’s gonna get done is to unite all the lands under his rule. But to do so means killing a bunch of muthafuckers and being a total despot and shit. So three assassins are dispatched to kill the cat but end up getting killed themselves by Jet Li’s character. Which is what Jet Li wants the emperor to think because it’ll get him physically closer to the emperor. And as the story unfolds we find out that Jet Li has developed this badass killing move that he can execute from ten paces away. And because he’s the only chance anyone has of killing the emperor, he finds the three original assassins and talks them into letting him pretend to take em all out. This leading muthafuckers to believe that he killed them all to protect the emperor, thus setting up a meeting with the emperor so as he can be rewarded, thus getting within the required ten paces he needs to kill the muthafucker and shit. But in a bizarre plot twist which is one of many, one of the assassins that Jet Li fake killed implores Jet Li not to kill the emperor because he’s right and is really the only one that can unite China under one banner with the least amount of bloodshed. And to top all this shit off the emperor being a smart muthafucker has figured out for himself what Jet Li’s up to but too late since Jet Li’s already within the needed ten paces to do his thing. So he leaves the decision if he lives or dies up to Jet Li who lets the cat live only to be killed in turn by the emperor in a really fucked up way. See, I told you this movie was an intricate muthafucker but really good in “damn” kind of way. And yes, if you were to pit Jet Li against Jackie Chan it'll be like a prison rape the way Jackie would get his ass kicked.

The third move was "Spiderman 2", which pissed me off due to the fact that a good portion of the movie was wasted with Peter Parker doing all this really gay soul searching and shit. What a whiny little bitch. “I can’t hold a job because of my superpowers, I can’t get any pussy because of my superpowers, Aunt May hates me because I’m such a pussie”. Goddamn it, super heroes don’t cry like little bitches and shit, what the fuck? But there was a cool scene when Spiderman saved all the people on this train and his mask got ripped off and nobody wanted to drop a dime on em due to seeing his real face and shit. I thought that was a nice part, along with Doc Ock kicking the blue jesus shit out of Spiderman every time he showed up. I guess all the so-called “character development” we see these days is due to all the fan-boys like Henry Knowles bitching and shit. But I for one don’t need it.

The forth Movie was “Dodge Ball” starring Ben Stiller and Vince Vaughn. I thought this was an ok movie, not the laugh out loud ball buster I expected but ok. It featured one of my favorite actors, Stephen Root, who if you were to ask me hasn’t done anything notable since “News Radio”. I rented Dodge Ball in Westport and as I was checking out at the counter the cat ringing me up who was so gay he should have had his own country told me to be sure to keep watching thru all the credits cause I would see a shocker. All I can say is that Ben Stiller has issues that none of us even want to begin to touch. So if you rent this muthafucker, leave it on till after all the credits roll and you’ll see some disturbing shit.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"