small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>sweatin the small stuff</strong>

Friday, December 17

sweatin the small stuff

So there’s this hard working truck driver who when he came off the road would park his semi-truck in his driveway. That is until his fucking neighbors started dropping dimes and narking him out to the local police. It seems that they found the truck not only ugly but noisy to boot and demanded that the owner move it out of the neighborhood. So now the truck owner has to pull three hundred dollars a month out’a his ass just to store his truck when he’s home from the road. Now from what my many inside sources tell me, the cat was sitting on his front porch staring at the empty spot where his truck used to sit when he came upon a great idea. With the speed of Sheena the panther he tore ass to the nearest Home Depot and soon after came home with a trunk load of shit he had purchased. Bright and early the next morning found him outside painting his house a bright shade of fluorescent green. He painted that muthafucker such a bright loud green that rumor has it the fuckin astronauts in the International Space station can see it when they pass over. And of course his neighbors hate the fuck out of it but there’s not a goddamn thing they can do but bitch. They way the truck driver figured shit, if they thought his truck was an eyesore; he’d give em a fucking eyesore. Yup, the police made him move the truck because of an ordinance that bans trucks from being parked in residential areas. But there's no ordinance that restricts what color people can paint their houses. As a former homeowner that lived under the thumb of this jackbooted homeowner’s association, I fully understand how this muthafucker must’a felt. That’s why if I ever win the stinkin lotto I’m gonna build a house that’ll be so out of the ordinary it’ll make Martha Stewart start her period. And on the front of the house I’m gonna have this hugeass boulder with Latin carved on it saying
“is est mei aedes. quod vestri matris est a meretricis!”

sheep in blackface
And in a “they just don’t get it moment”, the Louisiana Supreme Court pulled their faces out of the jambalaya long enough to give this white judge a six month suspension for being a dumbass cracker. It seems that the offending muthafucker was caught red handed at this Halloween party wearing a county jail jumpsuit, handcuffs and enough blackface makeup to make Buckwheat belch. Which is odd considering that the stupid cocksuckers own brother-in-law came as Buckwheat. Who knew that such rampant stupidity ran in such a small circle? My many inside sources tell me that after adding shit up the silly muthafucker will lose over fifty thousand dollars in pay whilst suspended. The Supreme Court justices all agreed that blackface boy didn’t mean to insult blacks. Still, they gave him the choice of either a sociology course to get "a greater understanding of racial sensitivity," or watch two hundred hours of Martin Lawrence reruns.

And in a “things not to do when you’re running around buck assed nekked” moment. The police were called in to deal with a Minnesota man running around nekked and shit breaking into folk’s homes in a Minneapolis neighborhood. When the police rolled up to arrest the cat he decided he was gonna jump on one of the policeman with his stupid no clothes having ass. Unfortunately for the dumb bastard, instead of having a gun in his hand the cop had a leather leash, which was hooked around the business end of Bobo Brazil the police dog. And from what my many inside sources who have been busier then a muthafucker lately told me. The police dog simply reached up and wrapped his rather large canine teeth, which were sitting inside his rather large canine jaws, which if my memory serves me correct are capable of exerting hundreds of pounds per square inch, around the dangling genitalia of the dumb nekked crook. And get this, even with the dog dragging him across the yard by his scrote and shit, the cat still tried to fight the cops who eventually had to Taser the guy. All I can say is wow; I think I rather have the fucking cop shoot me then that shit. I’m just sayin is all.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Da Goldfish said...

I ate jambalaya once. It was very nice.

And you should see what people write into the Council planning department to complain about.

“My next-door neighbour has no respect. His garden is full of dirtyness.”

“I don’t like the way she parks. Do something about it.”

“The guy next door has had new windows put in. I can’t afford new windows. How can he afford them? I think you should investigate his financial practices.”

And then there’s the people who object to the ‘kind of people’ who might be living in a new development, and the ones who have a big old bitch because a female planning officer is dealing with their application….

Gives you a lovely warm feeling towards the human race. The kind that’s caused by huge great bombs.

5:53 PM  
Blogger me said...

Hello Greg, I'm a friend of Rusty's (and thought I might meet you one night while out for Casey's birthday) I found your site through Rusty's and just thought I would tell you put a link to your's from my site. This is great entertainment reading your site, lol.

7:09 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

Do you miss me?

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im sorry Greg, but my latin isn't what it should be right now. How about a translation?

9:00 PM  
Blogger Death said...

it translates as "this is my house. and your mother is a prostitute"

9:06 PM  
Blogger Cerberus said...

Damn. I search all over the freaking internet for a free english to latin translator and the translation was already here. Still, I did almost piss myself laughing when the translation came up.

12:17 AM  
Blogger Tubarmencart said...

Start her period? I ended that years ago, and it's not coming back.

3:48 AM  
Blogger Nightmare said...


I'm New here and I like the way you think.
I feel that home owners assn, and nosey neighbors, people who drive slow, most of humaity is, to quote Bill Hicks, "A virus with shoes".

I blogrolled your ass, so I hope you stop by sometime.

adbibo abunde accolo

9:06 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thanks for the translation Greg. I need to make a stop by Home Depot myself. I always liked the color orange myself.

12:40 PM  
Blogger Sivad said...

lol, that's funny! sometimes you just gotta teach folks a lesson for f-ing with you

10:56 AM  

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