small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>dick & toes</strong>

Saturday, January 29

dick & toes
So I’m laying in bed taking a late afternoon nap when the phone rings and it’s Michelle on the line. We talk about plans for later this evening and I get out of bed with the intention of taking a shower. So I walk into the bathroom to start my shower and suddenly I’m beset by the urge to pee. With my left hand I grab my dick but suddenly and without reason I turn to my left to turn on the shower, all the while holding on to my dick. So there I am standing in my bathroom in front of the toilet holding on to my dick with my left hand whilst turning to my left to turn on the shower. As I turn my right foot swings out in an ark backed by all the momentum of the rather large leg suspended above it. The right foot impacts with a sickening thud against the corner of the shower painfully impacting the toe nearest the big toe.

Pain shot through my whole body as blood started leaking from the toe which hit so hard that it split the toenail and all the while I never released my grip on my dick. So now there I stand peeing into the toilet with one of the most painfully stubbed toes I’ve ever had. Which brings forth the question, “why didn’t I just pee, getting that over with instead of trying to multitask and turn on the shower at the same time”? And you know what the worst thing is about this is? This kind of shit happens to me all the fuckin time. Here’s a couple of old posts to prove it. God, I really need a keeper some time cause graceful I’m not.

From December 2002
Dumbass moves of the night

I’m lying in bed reading my new edition of Maxim, which I think is man’s answer to Cosmopolitan. Yes, no? Anyway I’m flipping pages and eating hot & spicy pork rinds and in the back of my head I’m thinking, “damn, these are really hot”. At the same time I took a bite out’a this huge ass pork rind and for some strange reason the fuckin pork rind shattered into a thousand pieces and all this hot & spicy shit went into my eye. Pain Pain Pain Pain! I’m rollin around in bed crumpling pork rinds everywhere and makin more of a mess and my eye is burning like a sonofabitch when I decided to wipe my eye with my pork rind encrusted hand.

The dumbass pain redoubled its efforts and I jumped out of bed to run to the bathroom and throw water on my face, in my haste to flee to the bathroom I hit the cocksuckin doorjamb with my little toe. Now I had pain on top and pain on the bottom. And in the middle of all this my bladder decided he wanted some of the action. And as I’m stooped over the toilet with my head dripping water from stickin it into the shower and my little toe is doing that painful throb that only smashed toes can do, and my willy is on fire from gripping it with my hot & spicy pork rind encrusted hand. All I can think of is “no wonder I don’t get laid often”.

September 2000
Chair Wrasslin

I woke up early on Saturday morning around six AM, and per my custom I sat down in front of my computer and flipped on the TV. I started checking my mail then I moved on to the Internet all the while watching TV. It was still dark and rainy outside and time seemed to be moving real slow which was kind’a cool. I lit a smoke and started looking at something on the net that really peaked my hedonistic interest. I was still sort’a buck nekked cause all I was wearing was my mack-daddy robe cause after all it was just me. I leaned back in my chair and took a deep pull on my smoke when suddenly I heard what sounded like a shotgun blast.

I barely had time to say “the fuck?” as I fell backwards onto my dining room floor. The noise I heard was the plastic legs of my supposedly hip office chair shattering into a thousand pieces. My fat ass went one direction while my cock, robe and chair went in other directions. But much to my surprise I still retained the lit smoke in my grip. I don’t know what I was more disgusted with, my fat ass or the stupid office chair. Times like this I’m so happy I was alone, bit at least I didn’t stub my muthafuckin toes this time.

update: Whilst walking thru my apartment tonight I hit the same fucking toe again. This time I hit it right on the stupid toenail and it started bleeding badly again. Luckily for me Michelle was over to lend a hand and we debated whither to go ahead and pull the toenail off or wrap it. Her common sense prevailed and we disinfected it and wrapped it real good. I’ll see what shit looks like in the morning. Stupid is as stupid does I guess. Damn, who’d thought of that happening twice?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger me said...

Man I tend to do that sorta shit too. I have broken the same damned pinky toe 4 fuckin times. One time I didn't feel till the next day cuz I was drunk, but when I came to the next morning, it hurt like a motherfucker. There's nothing like a hurt damn toe because then you walk all fucked up till it's better. As far as the dick in your hand, there's probably good reason. If you let go, something coulda happened to it too. So be glad you were protecting it from harm, yeah protecting, that's it. =)

12:37 AM  
Blogger Berry said...

Man, don't you know that men cannot multi-task? You all are just not capable, plain and simple. That's why women have to help you all out so much. Men need wives, secretaries, housekeepers, mothers...all women! LOL! Man, seriously though, get the toe checked out just in case and take care of yourself. I remember that pork rind incident. You're starting to worry me. :-)

10:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i just love michelle.
-- so says the sister

7:55 PM  
Blogger Circa Bellum said...

I feel your pain, man. Us dudes? I guess we should stick to trying to do one thing at a time, but even that goes south on us from time to time as you just attested.

7:56 PM  
Blogger Sid said...

You are too goddamned funny, just funny as fuck. Holy shit. If I tried to count the number of times I damn near peed myself laughing reading this shit...

anyway, don't feel bad, I do shit like that ALL THE TIME too, and I'm a girl.

1:21 AM  
Blogger Bryan said...

You poor, unlucky bastard!!!!

7:33 AM  

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