small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>sweatin the small stuff</strong>

Friday, January 7

sweatin the small stuff

This will be a very short edition of “sweatin the small stuff” because it’s cold. Not cold where I’m sitting but because it’s cold outside and I’m really not diggin it. It’s been so cold around here that after standing outside to catch the bus I’m scared to take a piss because my scrote and shit’s so shrunken up from the chill that there’s nothing to grab. I have to end up hitting it with a blow dryer just to coax that muthafucker out. But anyway, let’s see what’s going on around this wonderful country of our’s, shall we?

run Forest run!
Some fey bastard is suing NBC for $2.5 million, saying that he threw up because of a "Fear Factor" episode in which contestants ate rats mixed in a blender. The cat confessed to the press that he watches "Fear Factor" often and had no problem with past shows where people ate worms and insects and shit in pursuit of a $50,000 prize. But he said that eating rats took it too far and that it's fuckin barbaric, meaning some of the things they ask muthafuckers to do. His lawsuit says the rat-eating made his blood pressure rise, resulting in being dizzy and lightheaded and vomiting. And because he was all fucked up and shit whilst running to the bathroom to puke he ran into a doorway, "causing suffering, injury and great pain.

You know, every Friday we gather at the Hurricane after work and watch “Fear Factor” which runs back to back shows on that day. And I admit that I never watch it at home but in a bar with drinks and shit and folks screaming at the TV whilst watching people do some insane shit for money tends to be a fun thing. Plus have you ever seen the women on that show? It must be a rule that if there’s three chicks entered, at the minimum two must have giant tits. Plus there’s always the one cat who we can’t wait to see die cause he’s such a asshole. One of my favorite shows had to be the one where they had this one stunt where they set people up at a starting line and the deal was that they got a running start and the one who crossed the finish line first won.

But with it being “Fear Factor” the stipulation was that once you started running they unleashed these killer guard dogs on your ass and you had to reach the finish line dragging a hundred and twenty pounds of snapping snarling biting dog who was doing his Cujo best to detach the beat part of your ass from the rest of your body. In that episode I had my money on the black cat to win that one. Shit, a black man running from a German Shepard police dog with fifty thousand dollars to gain?
That muthafucker left the gate so fast the dog said “huh”
And once the dog caught up and grabbed him, instead of falling and screaming like all the other bitches in the show, the cat simply picked the dog up and carried his biting ass across the finish line to win.

please don't cut our cute little bellies open mister
And in more dog type related shit I see where Colombian drug traffickers have taken the “drug” trade to a new low by surgically hiding heroin in little puppies' bellies in a plan to evade international customs controls. Yeah, after being tipped off police found six puppies with scars on their abdomens at this farm in northern Colombia. Ultrasound scans revealed bags of liquid heroin hidden inside the little puppies.
“hold up, sniff, this is so fucked up I might have to leave to go throw up and shit”
Police said traffickers planned to retrieve the drugs once the dogs had passed customs. And you know that the muthafucker’s would have killed those little puppies to get the drugs out, cause I can’t see nefarious cats like that waiting around in the shade whilst little Scrappy took his time shitting the drugs out. Using animals for smuggling is unusual although drug smugglers often rely on couriers called mules to swallow condoms full of drugs and one Colombian woman was once found with cocaine surgically implanted in her ass. Hmmm, talk about baby got back, huh?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger me said...

Now did this asshole actually think he wouldn't be sick after eating a rat? Why the fuck eat the damn thing if he's pissed about it now. He's just pissed that he threw it up and didn't win the money, so he's gonna sue to get even more money! Seems like common sense to me that if you eat a fucking rat, you'll puke. As for running into the doorway, well watch where you're fucking going dude. Stupid lawsuits, stupid people.

12:55 PM  
Blogger sex scenes at starbucks said...

"That muthafucker left the gate so fast the dog said “huh”"

I love it, I love it! I've never watched FF, but it does sound like a great drinking show.

Have a good one and keep warm, Death!

4:27 PM  
Blogger Sapphire Raven said...

No wonder why lawyers are so rich...Get the stick boy! Get the stick!.....The fun part is where you fake it and throw it the other closed..Evermore

8:50 PM  

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