small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>you talkin to me?</strong>

Tuesday, January 4

you talkin to me?
I have got to get a better fix on my fuckin temper. This morning I’m on the phone and as soon as I didn’t get the answer I wanted to hear I slammed the fuckin phone down and started punching my way through my file cabinet. But at least this time I didn’t break the stinkin phone. This happens at least once a month here at work, where I start snapping brain cells and can’t resist the urge to shove my fist through some poor inanimate object. It’s not that I’m too good to hear unacceptable answers and shit, it’s just the tone in a muthafucker’s voice that makes me loose it. Shit like that will make me start dropping bass and grabbing shit like you wouldn’t believe.

And the bad thing about it is that years ago when I got out of the bouncing business I made a concentrated effort to control my temper and all that good shit. Before that I was more or less a walking 911 call waiting to happen. I used to have a really bad habit back in the day that when I got my temper on I used to drive down to the worst part of town and park my car and start walking. I’m power walking down this street that’s littered with ho’s pimps, drug dealer’s and thugs, hoping that someone would jump out at me giving me an excuse to unleash some beatass on em. But more often then not they either looked away or crossed to the other side of the street, and after a while I’d come back to my senses and get in the car and go home. You know how we all have this inner image of how we look to other people? My inner image to me is that of a meek mild mannered man, picking flowers and tending the garden. But apparently my inner image never matched my outer image, cause I always forget that to most people including the bad guy’s, I look like the bad guy.

That’s why I guess despite all the injuries and shit I really enjoyed bouncing in bars, because deep down inside I enjoyed the conflict and looked forward to getting my freak on with people. I know people that have spent the better part of their lives avoiding any conflict of a personal nature. But I used to tell myself that I’m too fat to run or hide, so I might as well stand here and embrace it. I swear there were times that I’d get so angry that I’d actually get an erection. And I knew that years of being angry and always on point was bad for my health, but it always felt so good. Imagine having an adrenaline rush last for hours instead of minutes where my breathing, reaction, eyesight and hearing would ramp up to this insane level and stay there for hours on end. I lived like that for years. But like I said as soon as I gave up the business I purposely made myself ramp down. Believe it or not having a heart attack actually helped me gain a better control over it. If for nothing else it gave me good reason not to go overboard and shit. I even carried an 800 number I was supposed to call when I felt my temper going on.

But even with a bad temper I never lost it on people needlessly, (well except for the crazy walking thru the hood shit) it was actually pretty concentrated and once I got you or your group in my sights it just got sharper and sharper till after going thru all my options I came up with a plan of attack. Oh yeah, when you was me and you had my type of temper along with my build and certain skill level, you always thought shit over. Like how bad do I need to go off? How bad do I want to go off? Is this hands on bad or a facial let’s use my outside voice bad? Also I think that’s why I lasted so long in the business, you know, not beating muthafucker’s down just because it seemed the thing to do.

If I went after some cat back in the day you could be sure I had a good reason, even if I was the only one that thought so. Oooh, I guess that you could even call me fair? But all that shit’s in the past, nowadays I’m the pinnacle pf politeness and shit. I have friends that have never heard me raise my voice or get angry and I’m proud of that. And if someone gets in my face usually after thinking it over I’ll be the first one to walk away. At least that’s what I keep telling myself. Cause fuck, it’s only been what, five or six years since I gave shit up? So I think I’m doing pretty fucking good goddammit! At least I can lose my nut on this fucking site to my heart’s content. And so what if I break a phone or two and bend my file cabinet a bit, nobody got hurt and I cleared the air. Thank god for the small things huh?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Sivad said...

wow, good grief. i'm glad you calmed down. don't know if it was by choice or whether the heart attack stopped you, but anyway, hope you will find some other methods of calming down. i scream at the top of my lungs in my car until i start laughing at myself for sounding crazy. but it helps me to get over my anger really fast.

3:36 PM  
Blogger Nightmare said...

Anger is a gift.

Never, ever forget that. Control is a skill used with your gift. When not properly used together you will create everything from frustration to chaos. But when you have controled anger then you are able to harness the stars, gather moonbeams in a jar, well you get my point.

Enjoy the anger...that's what it is there for.

4:27 PM  
Blogger Cerberus said...

Damn, we might have some distant blood connection somewhere. Although, I got to say I never got a hard on hurting anybody, there were times I scared the crap out of myself. It was like having a wild monster living inside of me, when he got out he did some bad stuff sometimes. But, like you, I am trying to be a more peaceful man to my fellow earthlings.

5:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I don't often get angry, but when I do use my outdoor vioce shit seems to fly apart. People run, jump back, or draw guns and run and jump back. I dont really get it myself. I usually wind up in trouble over something trivial or petty. Which by they way really doesn't help the fact that I was angry to begin with, But at least Im still the one being reasonable and making some sort of sense. Feeling justified I calm the fuck down.

Billy Smith expert tree climber

10:49 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

Aren't you glad I'm back?? I've missed you! I have no temper really. I do, but it's like way, way down there. For some reason, there are people who are afraid of me (like our old slumlord, probably because he saw me freak out one day over him ripping out my flowerbeds). But people who know me think I'm a wuss. However, on the phone I can be hell. He thinks it's funny, because he knows how easily intimidated I actually am, and how shy I actually am, but sometimes I can scare people, if it's on the phone.

5:05 AM  
Blogger me said...

I think everyone has their breaking point. Or at least everyone I know of has that moment where you can push and push and push until they snap and go psycho. I used to go psycho in a heartbeat, but back then I was miserable in marriage and so no wonder I could snap like a twig at the tiniest things. Thankfully, I'm now happily divorced and loving it! =)

But believe it or not, I can work up a pretty good scare in most people. Ok, I hear you laughing, but it's true!

8:51 AM  

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