small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>sweatin the small stuff</strong>

Friday, February 25

sweatin the small stuff

How fuckin embarrassing

In the category of “can’t a muthafucker find something else to bitch about?” comes this story. “New Jersey animal rights activists are disgusted by a new candy from Kraft Foods Inc. that's shaped like critters run over by cars -- complete with tire treads”. Yeah, Kraft Foods has put out this new product called Road Kill Gummi Candi and according to my many inside sources it’s pissing the fuck out’a the animal rights folks. The fruit flavored candy comes in the shapes of partly flattened snakes, chickens and squirrels and the folks over at the New Jersey Society for the Prevention of cruelty to Animals ain’t liking it one bit cause as far as they’re concerned it fosters cruelty to animals. And I quote, “It sends the wrong message to children, that it's OK to harm animals. And that's the wrong message, especially from a so-called wholesome corporation like Kraft”. My many inside sources tell me that Kraft Foods responded to the allegations that they are fostering cruelty to animals with this statement. “Where are these muthafucker’s from again? New Jersey? Get the fuck out’a here”.

art or pile of shit?

And over at the Midwest Feeding Company located in beautiful downtown Milford, Nebraska, a huge pile of shit that’s been burning for the past four months has finally been extinguished. The pile of shit that measured 100 feet long, 30 feet high and 50 feet wide and weighing almost two hundred shittin tons was the result of thousands of nervous cows ashitting whilst awaiting slaughter. According to my many inside sources, when you have that much shit piled together heat from the compacted shit will rise to the point of combustion. Which is how the giant pile of shit started burning. Luckily for nearby residents there were no fans present or the problem would have been much worse……………

aim for the whore's hair

And in “the crazy bitch did what?” news, an appeals court in Chicago has partially taken the side of this cat claiming emotional distress after learning that a former lover had used his sperm to have a baby. Now all you muthafucker’s that’s all about beast fuckin the crazy assed chick down the block need to pay attention to this shit. The chick got knocked up by this guy and took his ass to court claiming him as the father right? You hear about this kind of shit everyday, but here’s where things get funky. According to my many inside sources, the cat never fucked her. The chick was giving him a blowjob and when the time came for the cat to make with the O-face, the crazy bitch ran off and spat his man seed into a jar and put the shit into the fuckin freezer. Then when the coast was clear she took his shit and used it to get herself pregnant and after having the kid filed a paternity suit against the cat. Besides the emotional distress the cat tried to hit the chick with theft and fraud charges for stealing his sperm but the courts wasn’t buying that part of it because it was a blowjob and he was giving it to her. You know, all I can think of is the poor kid. I know folks who’ve found out that they’re the result of backseat sex or a one-night stand and have trouble dealing with it. But to be an angst-ridden teenager and to find out that you’re the result of a blowjob gone bad, how fucked up is that shit?
"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Did you hear about the people who are suing the government because the government has not been regulating salt intake properly.

Maybe cow crap can be used as fuel. I can see it now, fill er up with some Jersey, that gurnsey and Angus crap makes my car ping.

That's why I like to wear condoms when with psychotic women.


1:54 PM  
Blogger Mister Whiskers said...

That kind of shit is why I avoid women altogether.

Either that, or they avoid me. I can't remember.

6:13 PM  

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