small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>bears & Death</strong>

Thursday, March 3

bears & Death


I was once asked to go with some friends on a float trip, and that if I went one of my gal pals said she’d show me her impersonation of Eve. Talk about pressure, not only is peer pressure a bitch but throw in the buck nekked chicks and it all gets confusing. But I told em that I was gonna pass. It’s all about the bears because somewhere out there is a bear with my name on it. And I just know that if I were to go camping in the woods it would come and I don’t want to be fighting nobody’s stinking ass bear. Oh yeah, they tell me that there’s no bears in the state of Missouri and I got nothing to be afraid of but they don’t know bears like I do. Plus there’s the shitting in the woods and all that. If I want to get back to nature I’ll watch the fuckin Learning channel.

I’ll most likely get called a pussie but my fear of bears runs too deep. Plus with my luck it’ll be a gay bear and I’ll end up with bear cock in my ass and then get eaten. And don’t even get me started on the fact that I can’t swim, I tend to float like a cork but that’s as good as it gets. Yeah, like vicious bear rape is worth seeing the full Monty and having fun or do I just leave well enough alone? I mean it’s like goddamn, I’m a brave man and all that but I know shits not like the fuckin movies. Where every time the heroine or hero of a scary movie hears a noise or spots a strange light off in the woods they have to go to see what’s up. Well, I’m here to tell ya, fuck that! No way, kiss my ass. It’s like I said, that I like to consider myself a brave man, but when it comes to unknown shit in the woods I know exactly what to do. Which is to move rapidly in the opposite direction.

I’ve been in over five or six thousand bar fights as a bouncer over a twenty-year period, but I still have a problem watching scary shit on the TV. When some cats in front of me throwing a punch, that’s something I can see, feel, and react too. Something glowing and floating and humming to it’s self off in the woods is just wrong. Some years ago the Man sent me to St. Louis and instead of taking the interstate I decided to take 50 highway, which runs through the Mark Twain National Forest. I hit the national park after the sun had set and I’m here to tell a muthafucker.
I will never pull that crap again
I’m now driving through the middle of a dark forest with nothing in sight but trees, trees, and more trees. I’m a city boy and these weren’t the friendly city trees I was used too. These muthafuckin trees were huge, and scary. I kept expecting Bigfoot to come jumping out at me. As the road curved and the headlights cut into the darkness, I could see green and yellow glowing spots way off in the woods. The minds a funny thing cause I knew in my head that I was safe and all that. I knew that the glowing spots were nothing more then the headlights reflecting off the eyes of small animals. But it still fucked with me. I couldn’t help but think that as soon as I turned the next curve some giant hairy Sasquatch muthafucker was gonna show up in the headlights. That’s why I don’t go camping.

Shitting in the woods ain’t no fun and getting punked out by bears and Yeti and other furry mean pieces of fur wearing beasts ain’t kosher either. I have much admiration for the early settlers and hunters who traveled the land back in the day but that was their gig, not mine. As a kid I was always off in the woods crawling over rocks and shit like that. But now I’m an adult, and I know what the fuck’s up. Shit, I can see it now. I’m off camping in the middle of some national forest. The campfire’s blazing and the stew pot’s bubbling. I’m all comfy and not a worry in the world, just laying back staring at the campfire waiting on supper. When all of a sudden the fucking trees start shaking and shit whilst crashing through em comes fucking Bigfoot to kick my ass!

Or I think it’s him cause after staring into the damn campfire for hours my eye’s can’t adjust fast enough to see shit. But I’m kind’a sure because my muthafuckin arm just got torn off at the fucking armpit, and some little furry four footed fucker’s running off with it! Oh great! Now there’s a fucking bear biting my ass out by the chunks! I would kick at it but some Jar Jar Binks looking muthafucker is sucking on all ten toes and I can’t get em off! Excuse my language, but this is muthafuckin humiliating. I just wanted to get in touch with nature and camp out, and now I’m getting all ate up and shit by the fucking Muppets. Now you know why I don’t dig the woods and camping. And I know all about the “how bad can it be factor”. But I’ve garnered a lot of advice from experienced people on the subject and I’ll share a few with you.

• Getting squirted by a skunk is just fucked up.

• Nothings sucks like getting bitten by a tick that’s spent the last few days suckin on a dead deer’s ass.

• You’ll be beggin God to kill the mosquitoes.

• The Blair Witch was real.

• Do the words “squeal like a pig” mean anything?

• Shitting in the woods and suddenly feeling something knockin at your back door.

• You wanna shit like a hero? Then drink river water. It ain’t like the fuckin movies.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"

9 Comments:

Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

You had me laughing my ass off!
Thanks!

3:27 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

Now you know I aint scared a no bear. I aint scared a nothin that lives in the woods really. I aint scared a black widows. We had a whole colony of them in our garage in Wilmington. I aint scared a no rattlesnake because you can hear them comin. I aint scared a no bug, crawly thing, slithery thing, fourlegged thing, or other wildlife that lives in the woods. And I aint never drunk no river water but I grew up drinkin lake water, which could explain what's wrong with me.. but.. the point is, the only things in the woods I'm afraid of is those dumbass wannabe Rambos with their shotguns and their hardons for killin shit.

7:10 PM  
Blogger Rusty said...

So how deep does this fear run? If I were to walk in the Hurricane in a bear suit would you freak out? Would it be as bad if I wore the bear costume with a green necktie and porkpie hat like Yogi? I think I may try it, you know help you deal with this fear and to get back at you for calling me a poopybutt cause I said Nickelback sucks......:)

9:57 PM  
Blogger me said...

lmao Rusty, but aside from that being really funny......I'm with you Greg! I know there's a bear out there with my name on it too, whether or not I ever run into his furry ass is something else entirely. I'm not a city girl and grew up in "the sticks" as most people call it, and I STILL won't go camping, there's too much unknown shit out there like you said. Call me a pussy along with Greg, but I see his point on everything!

(even though I still want to see it when Rusty comes in the Hurricane to scare the bejesus outta you in a bear suit, lol)

10:09 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ohhhhh baby take me too the woods and rock my world.....Lions! Tigers! and Bears! Ohhhhhhhhh My...."Leave's crackle" Wait what was that? "twig snaps" Hey did you hear something.."goes to investigate"
Aaaaaaaahhhhhh "runs out of the woods with a female bigfoot humping his leg"....Wait a second! What the hell am I doing..."runs back into the woods and rocks her world"....Evermore

Sapphire Raven

10:10 PM  
Blogger Sid said...

I went hiking with one of my hippie friends once and you know while we were on our way back a bear rolled up on us like it was alright. It was on;y about 5 feet tall, and it stayed a good 10 feet away, but those were some of the most disturbing moments of my life. And my hiipe friend ws telling me bullshit like, "let's stand relly close together so we look bigger, it'll be afraid." I was like, fool, what if it's not stupid as fuck and realizes we are just 2 puny humans huddling together in fear!?!? Also, sotp carrying peanut butter sandwiches in your damn pockets, bitch!" Eventually, the bear got bored and went away. You are really too funny.

My mom says I am an alien baby, and that all while she was pregnant, she had visitations. After I was born, she said they stopped. I guess I wasn't what they were hopping for.

12:51 AM  
Blogger Nightmare said...

Bears schmears....PUSSY.

2:51 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

First off, there ARE black bears in Missouri. So don't let your friends lure you into the woods.

Secondly, you reminded me of the joke"
Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, 'Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have sex.' Don decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, 'That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough sex.' Again, Don thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.

The Polar Bear said, 'Admit it Don, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?'

6:36 AM  
Blogger Ms. Blaize said...

This is the first time checking your blog and I already have questions.

If you’re big enough to be a bouncer how in de hell can you be afraid to watch scary shyt on TV?
~ anddddd ~
What does a friendly tree look like? Do they wave at you to be considered friendly or sing show tunes??

ROFLMAO!!! Other than your jokes for awkward moments, this is indeed the funniest I"ve read in months and I don't even think you meant to be! Good stuff Greg!

~Ms. Blaize

7:00 PM  

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