sweatin the small stuff

my kung fu is strong little one

I saw in the news this morning that according to Michigan State Police a man cooking in his kitchen was shot in the back after one of his cats knocked his 9mm handgun off the kitchen counter onto the floor, discharging the weapon. After reading this I got to thinking that what happened was no accident. See, I know cats and I know how the little furry hairball-coughing bastards think. It’s clear as the nose on my face that the cat saw his chance to kill that muthafucker and went for it. That’s what the guy gets for leaving a loaded weapon around a cat.

Back in the day when my cat still lived with me, we had heroic battles to the point that I had to take all the handles off the kitchen drawers so he couldn’t get to the knives. See, all you bitches thought that I was being mean to my cat but he gave as good as he got. I remember one night after I had cooked this badass meal for myself. Fried chicken, crispy French fry’s and some toasted garlic bread. My kitchen was downstairs on the first floor of the house we lived in so after getting everything all cooked up, I had to carry it all up two flights of stairs to the second floor where I was gonna sit and watch TV whilst eating. I had two plates of food plus a cold beverage balanced in both arms as I walked out of the kitchen.

I get to the first floor landing and guess who’s furry ass is sitting on the second floor banister glaring down at me? I stop and glare back and remark to Cat that he better recognize and back the fuck off. So I start climbing stairs with both full plates and drink. As soon as I get to the middle of the stairs that sick muthafucker gathers himself up in a ball and launches at me knocking both plates of food and drinks out of my arms! I went apeshit grabbing the first thing within reach, which was the broom and started chasing Cat screaming my ass off.

We ran up and down the stairs and thru the first floor of the house and back up to the third floor and shit. At one point he doubled back on me and went for my nutsac and in the ensuing confusion we both tumbled down two flights of stairs. And did I say that I was buckassed nekked whilst all this was going on and that since I was working on the house none of the landing windows or that none of the first floor windows had shades over em? My neighbors never had much to do with me after that.

On the net I found this list of movies that supposedly have the best endings ever flimed. So since I'm strapped for time I'll run thru these real quick

25. Boogie Nights. After seeing this movie for the first time I talked my mother and sister into renting it. Then I called my mother and had her forward to the ending scene where Marky-mark is standing in front of the mirror with his cock out just to hear her reaction. I wasn’t disappointed.

24. Nowhere. Hmmm, never saw it.

23. Waiting for Guffman. Hmmm, never saw it either.

22. Carrie. I remember feeling very sad for Carrie but happy that she killed all those assholes.

21. Seven. Did they ever show what was in the box that fucked Pitt up so bad? I can’t remember.

20. Clue. Never saw it.

19. Pi. Never saw it.

18. Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I hate Farris Bueller, I’m still in denial that he’s not gay and apparently fuckin that horse faced chick from sex in the city. Oh, the ending was ok.

17. Donnie Darko. Never saw it.

16. Fight Club. The ending to this fucked me up, I can watch now and still never see it coming.

15. E.T. It wouldn’t be E.T. if it didn’t have a happy ending.

14. The Sixth Sense. Another ending that fucked me up. It’s fun to watch it now just to see if Bruce Willis never actually shows his back.

13. The Wizard of Oz. Our parents back in the day had a rule that we had to watch this as a family every year when we were kids. Because back in the day it was one of those seasonal movies that only came out on TV once a year. I won’t watch it now just to be spiteful and I still fear flying monkeys.

12. The Graduate. Never saw it.

11. The Blair Witch Project. My friend Krista took me to see this when it first came out. All I know is that I made more noise then a chick. I’ve never seen it again. I think the ending made me soil myself.

10. Short Cuts. Never saw it.

9. Being John Malkovich. Tried to watch it but couldn’t. Boring.

8. Thelma and Louise. I loved the ending except that as they drove over the cliff they should have ripped their tops off. Now that would’a rocked.

7. Barton Fink. Bored me.

6. The Empire Strikes Back. Don’t remember the ending? Oh…yes if do!……….no………… sorry can’t remember a damn thing.

5. Dancer in the Dark. Never saw it.

4. Say Anything. I remember I loved the movie but this is another one where I can’t remember the ending. Wasn’t this actually a chick flick in disguise?

3. Harold and Maude. Never saw it.

2. Easy Rider. Did one of em die in the end? Is that what happened?

1. Being There. This movie fucked me up cause this is how more politicians get into office. What an odd movie.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"