small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: <strong>sweatin the small stuff</strong>

Friday, March 18

sweatin the small stuff

dude! we'll both wear our fanny packs to the show! we'll be so cool!

The, “dammit I’m a serious musician” quote of the week.
"If this were the Make-a-Wish Foundation, and you were going to die in 20 minutes -- just long enough to play 'Freebird' -- we still wouldn't play it."

This came from Isaac Brock, a “serious” musician in the “serious” band Modest Mouse.

I saw this article last night talking about the time-honored tradition of going to a rock show and screaming “Freebird” at the top of your lungs at the band, and how some bands deal with it. For those of you unhip muthafucker’s and those of you that wouldn’t recognize a vinyl album if it came kung fu flyin at your ass. Back in 1973 the quintessential southern rock band Lynyrd Skynyrd released their debut album “Pronounced Leh-Nerd Skin-Nerd “, which contained the now legendary song “Freebird”. And somehow over the years it’s become a tradition when at a rock show and after getting drunk and pissing yourself and feeling up your mom, to holler “Freebird” betwixt band songs. It’s like flipping the devil horns you know; it’s considered the fun thing to do.

But some bands and I won’t name names, and music fans who take themselves a tad bit too seriously seem to have a problem with that. Well you know what? Fuck em. If a band, especially a rock band? Is so fuckin serious and cool and are playing to a crowd of finger snapping hipsters too cool for school and shit, they need a good ole fashioned Freebird shout-out every once and a while. And you know the crowd I’m talkin about right? These are the little skinny cum-guzzlers that always seem to show up at the best shows but seem to always spend their time on their cell phones yakking about who knows what the fuck.

Anyway, I think we should save the “Freebird” cries for the “special” shows. Save em for shit like when the Lyric Opera kicks into the “Marriage of Figaro” by my muthafucker Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. Wait till like the second act then stand up and fire up your Zippo screaming “Freebird”. Or when you’re hanging out with all the Lesbians and tree huggers at the next Jewel concert. Make it count. But wouldn’t it be the shit if when the next time some band is onstage rockin out and some drunk in the back screams out for Freebird to just stop what the fuck their doing and play the entire fourteen minute rendition of the stinkin song?

like butter

And in the “my god, you really are a stupid bitch” department. Even though convicted wife and fetus killer Scott Peterson has only been on Death Row for maybe a couple of days, the marriage proposals have been flocking in. According to my many inside sources, dozens of women have been calling San Quentin to show their love for the big house’s newest and hottest bachelor. And it seems that a few of em have shown more then a passing interest in wanting to tie the nuptial knot with the cocksucker. You know, as Forest Gump would say, “I’m not a smart man”, but what’s wrong with these fuckin women? It’s not like there’s a shortage of wife beaters out there that would love to hook up with some too stupid to fuck bitch.

What, you think you’re gonna change this muthafucker and bring some light into his life? Shit, the only light this fuckhole needs to see is the light reflecting off the floor as he’s bent over getting cornholed by Slim Shady out in the exercise yard. Dammit, I’ve never laid hands on a chick in my life but I’d gleefully love to slap the dumb out of one of these types. But then again, they’d probably be surprised. Think about it.

don't make me have to pee on a muthafucker

And to finish things off and to show that potatoes and fine women aren’t the only things Idaho’s known for. Military scientists have discovered a new species of animal lurking about in the Idaho wilderness. It’s a carnivorous creature armed with deadly spikes and hooked arms that betwixt bouts of eating it’s own and fucking can lie dormant for decades until the times right for it to come back out. If it sees one of it’s smaller kin, the muthafucker will do the bum’s rush and after grabbing on will hold it’s pray in this fucked up grip for days until it’s ready to eat.

Sounds like some fucked up shit doesn’t it? But in reality it’s the newest species of “Fairy Shrimp” to be discovered. According to my many inside sources, the muthafucker looks like a feathery three inch tall Praying Mantis with a bad attitude if you can believe that shit. All I can say is that I’m glad as a muthafucker that god made some shit small. Can you imagine sitting on a riverbank in fuckin Idaho just chillin only to have some shit like that come crawling out of the fuckin river at you? I’d move so fast I’d leave black behind me, I fuckin kid you not.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Any song that can get hundreds of people holding lighters in the air while singing is a serious song. I think too many people are uptight about music.

There are some sick crazy women around. The sad part is, if I am in a bar trying to listen to the live band while drink a cool dark beer, one of these lunatics will sit right next to me and start telling me her life story.

If the fish and insects were bigger we would not be the dominate species.

12:52 PM  

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