small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: blast from the past

Tuesday, April 26

blast from the past

dammit, she told me no one would laugh

Best quotes from the past:
“we got so drunk at our last gig that the band broke up for three hours, over a sandwich.”
--- An out of town band knocking back a few at the Hurricane

“Once I saw someone get hit in the face with a line drive during a Little League game... I laughed for an HOUR!!!! Nothing funnier than an infant catching a 90 mph hunk of rawhide in the mush right in the stroller",
---Little league coach in the Hurricane on a Saturday afternoon drinking binge.

"Once my Father's chair collapsed under him as he leaned back while the cable guy was installing our system. The sumbitch wiped out and his head landed in the dog dish filled with Alpo. It took EVERY FIBER, MUSCLE AND OUNCE OF WILL I had to hold the laughter in. I strained so hard I actually popped a vessel on my forehead and crapped my jeans. Had headaches for a WEEK afterwards,"
---Drunk in the Hurricane just before he started crying cause I ignored him

Went out Saturday night to see Culture Club at the Uptown Theater. This was my first time in the Uptown in about ten years and I was very impressed with the building, but I did miss the round tables and the lounge seating that they used to have. I don’t know who put on the better show, the band or the crowd. I thought Boy George and his crew kind’a laid down, and of course Boy did the normal band crap. ”We’re glad to be here in Kansas, the home of Dorothy and Toto”.

He played a mix of new tunes along with the old, I didn’t think the new stuff had the hook of the old stuff and he kept having some personal issue with his monitor mix which came off just goddamn annoying. He kept turning around to wave and flutter his hands at the guy mixing monitors and didn’t seem like he wanted to be here. Another annoying thing was that he kept trying to pull the crowd into singing along. This is always kind’a cool and fun, but the first song out of the gate? His band and backup singers seemed more into playing then he did. But OHMYGOD that was his crowd. Lot of gay guys, what’s up with that?

I definitely stood out in this crowd, my pal Angela went with me and she thought I had to be the brightest, straightest looking man in the house. Cause you know, I was sporting my red Hawaiian shirt. It was like a drop of blood on a black ass. Oops, no pun intended. Check this! Before the show you had your Hara Krishna’s running up and down the room, which was irritating. And on the outside Fred Phelps was doing his hate thing on the sidewalk and that was more irritating.

You know Fred says what he does is a moral religious thing, but the voice in my head tells me Fred is just plain fucked up. God doesn’t give a shit which end you take it in, that’s not what makes you a good or bad person as far as I’m concerned. But when you’re as homophobic as Fred and his clan the problem goes a lot deeper. I personally think Fred needs to get in touch with his inner child and step up and out of that big ole closet he’s been hiding in for years. Don’t worry, when Fred and his ilk die, HELL will be the daisy chain Fred gets stuck in for eternity.

I was curious but I ran away anyway

After the show I went back down to the Hurricane to have a few. My man Steve was behind the bar doing his thing serving drinks and shit. And I was sitting at the bar coughing down a Old Crow when I looked to my left and got the crap shocked out of me. There was a women a few stools down who was staring at me with this real twisted grin. She was a dwarf or small person or whatever you want to call these muthafuckers. And she looked like she really in the worst way wanted to hookup with somebody.

I did my best not to make eye contact cause you see, I had just seen a porno with dwarf women in it and the last place I wanted to go was there. I know, dwarf’s need love too, but it just wasn’t my time. Lucky for me she turned her attention to some other guy closer to her. Now one of the reasons I dig Steve is that we always seem to notice the same shit, like when the both of us noticed that the dwarf chick had her short dwarfish arm shoved down the guy’s pants. Hey, remember your daddy always saying never date a chick with big hands? The smaller the chick’s hands, the bigger your package feels. Anyway, later when the dwarf chick went to the john and the guy was waiting outside for her so that they could split; Steve and I both hollered, “score”! I wonder how was it?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Belle said...

Those past quotes are hil-fucking-arious! The things people share when intoxicated.

11:39 AM  
Anonymous Nightmare said...

I can't believe you passed on Midget sex!

OH I wish I could have gotten a little pussy! That would have rocked! Stand up head! she could sleep in a drawer. You could have been Michael and she could have been Macauly.

Oh whoa is me.

1:16 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Damn, drunken confessions, midget/dwarf women, I need to go to the hurrican and bring my writting pad with me.

2:43 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

Is THAT why guys always used to get all excited when they'd put their hands up against mine and see how little my hands are????

6:48 PM  
Blogger Death said...

I hate to break this to you Satyavati but I don’t think it’s the size of your hands that excite me. “nudge nudge, wink wink” :>)

7:49 PM  

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