small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: exploding toads

Monday, April 25

exploding toads

I know it's not a picture of a toad,
but I thought it might be fun to freak out
the woman folk

Over in the Rhineland near Hamburg sits this lake that’s been dubbed the “pond of death”. No it’s not some leftover shit from the Great War or the scene of mass murders and shit. But where thousands of toads have been dying in the most fucked up kind of way. It seems that the toads can be crawling along doing their thing and minding their own fuckin business, when all of a sudden they start swelling up and shit to the point where they just blow the fuck up scattering guts and crap all over the place. That has to be some fucked up shit to see in person. Watching some toad ambling along only to see it swell up to two or three times it’s size until with a big wet popping sound the muthafucker blows up. What must the poor toad be thinking?
“Man, eating all those grubs has got me fuller then a muthafucker, I think I’ll go take a big shit or nap. Wha…what the fuck? Is my fuckin stomach getting bigger and shit? Why is my shit swelling up like that, ohmygod…. I’m getting bigger…..make it stop….oh oh…croak…cro….BAM”
Muthafucker’s that are into this kind of shit are apparently fucked up with the dumbass over why this is happening. I wanna know if someone contacted the MAN about this shit. I mean what a way to strike fear into the populace. Just think about it, you’re sitting in church absently staring at the chicks rack in the next pew over. When suddenly thru the fuckin church windows comes flying half a dozen toads who after landing start hopping around and shit. People are looking and wondering if this is some strange sign from god when all of a sudden “croak-up croak-up croak-up BAM!” toads start swelling up like balloons and blowing the fuck up all over the church.

Kids are crying and church ladies are running around screaming with toad guts hanging off their hats and it’s just some all around fucked up commotion. And what if it doesn’t stop with toads but moves on to cows and cats and dogs and shit? You’re sitting in a crowded park when the Cocker Spaniel chasing the Frisbee starts swelling up and ends up taking out twenty or thirty people after blowing up. I’m talking some seriously ev-il shit going on here, like a bad science fiction movie. Attack of the Batrachians.

And on another note, whilst sitting at a stoplight in my car this weekend I saw what had to be to me, one of most idiot sights I’ve seen. I’m at the stoplight and sauntering across the street in front of my car is this young black cat dressed in the height of urban fashion. Which meant he was sporting the stupid baggy pants. Now I’m down, I wanna be hip, but come the fuck on, the muthafucker’s pants were actually around the little fist-fucker’s knees and the only way he could walk was with a firm grip around his belt buckle.

It just looked so stupid. How the fuck is that cool in any way form or fashion? How can a cat run or defend himself if he has to keep one hand busy holding his shit up? What if he’s suffering from a serious case of muddbutt? You know what needs to happen? They need to pass a law that if you’re over let’s say forty, and you see some fucked up shit like that, and no matter if they’re your kids or not, you have full leave to grab up a two by four and just start smacking muthafuckers.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Mister Whiskers said...

Ha ha! Exploding toads! Wow! "Ribbit, ribbit, Pleauch!"

I want to see that shit. I want to take pictures and have them framed. I have been waiting my whole life for something this cool.

Why yes indeed, sir, you are quite correct. I am a sick fuck.

5:45 PM  
Blogger Arathorn said...

I am currently drafting a proposal to our state legislature to just what you were speaking of in your blog with the exception of reducing the whompin age to say 35. Damn I wish i knew what wearin your drawers down around yer ass was about I can`t take it when mine slide down enough to give me plumbers crack.

7:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haven't been by in a while. Most excellent, as usual. You're a bit to the left of me but I could knock back a few with you. Your Texas BBQ story hit home on several fronts. First, you've inspired me to head down to New Mexico and air it out. Troubles with the gal and I can, so WTF not? Second, there's nothing like walking into a tight situation, is there? Last time I was in county(20 years ago), I get my mattress(?) and blanket and head for my cell. I lay the shit out and sit there for about 1 minute before this pretty big Mex comes in and says he's there for the rent. I'm like, fuck, stand up and ask how much. He says $25 a week. Well, I know this shit has got to be stopped in it's tracks. I go to reach into my pocket and nail the fucker. He staggers out into the walkway and that was that. I was only there over the weekend, but no one said shit.

Be cool man. Hope you got that heart attack shit under control. It really is the most important muscle.

5:28 AM  

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