hot fun in the summer time

I love Greg! No bitch I love Greg!
I’m so kickin your scank ass!
whore! meet the back of my hand slut!

I’ve been listening to the radio this morning as the DJ talked about wanting to put together a chick slap contest. You know, where two women would face off across a table or podium and see who could take slaps to the face the longest. Not very PC or mentally challenging, but neither are morning DJs. But it did remind me of one of the stories about my uncle in Texas I posted a few years ago where something like this happened. So enjoy.

Years ago I made a trip to my family’s hometown in West Texas not far from the Mexican border. My Uncle who lived there asked me if I wanted to see something out of the ordinary and it being me I readily agreed. For years he’d always told me when I was ready he’d take me near the TexMex border and show me some shit. So we loaded the cooler with beer and hopped in his old truck and off we went. After a case of beer or so of hard driving we came to a small town near the El Paso border. It was near dark and we drove around till we came to this large shed like building near the outskirts of town. The place had no windows or lights but the gravel lot in back was full of cars.

I followed my Uncle up to the door and he banged it open and in we went. Inside was the craziest shit ever. First thing I saw was the huge mexican with a short-barreled shotgun hanging off his shoulder that met us at the door. My Uncle spoke Spanish like a native so he did all the talking and soon we were standing at the bar getting some beers and mezcal. The bar ran along one side of the building and scattered all over were tables and chairs and in the middle of everything stood this small ring. It looked like a boxing or wrestling ring but instead of a regular floor it was full of old mattresses. The crowd seemed to be full of mexicans and people like us from across the Texas side.

But I couldn’t take my eyes off the women. There were women walkin around dressed in nothing but bare feet and bustiers, black women, mexican women, white women, women of all shapes and colors. One of em walked up to me and my Uncle and asked us if we were putting down any bets. My Uncle slid a ten spot between her tits and said, “yeah, I’m bettin on you to win”. My Uncle saw how confused I looked and told me to find a table and more drinks cause the best was yet to come. Just as the lights dimmed we set down and this mexican cat wearin a fuckin matador’s outfit climbed into the ring and starting speaking real fast in Spanish. Pretty soon he finished his spiel and climbed out and nearly a dozen women entered the ring.

They were all wearin red or black bustiers, which they proceeded to pull down below their tits. The MC handed a bucket up to em and they started pourin the contents of the bucket all over each other. It looked like some kind of oil to me. As soon as they were all covered the crowd began to count down from ten in Spanish. Diez, nueve, ocho, seite, guis, cinco, cuatro, tres, dos, uno! Then they begin to slap each other in the tits! I’d never seen such a thing. Women were hauling off as hard as they could and smackin the bejesus fuck out’a each other’s oil smeared tits. My Uncle told me that the one that stayed on her feet the longest won.

After a few minutes a bell rung and all the women dropped to their knees for a breather. People in the crowd started passing up bottles of Tequila and beer for the women to drink. I wish I had a camera but my Uncle said that would get my ass kicked off, so I had to be contented with just my memory. In the ring were a dozen half nekked sweaty oil covered women rubbing their welt-covered tits and knockin back the beer and Tequila. On the outside were near a hundred screamin fucked up TexMex muthafuckers. After ten minutes or so the bell rung and off they went again. I watched this one tall mexican chick grab this petite blond by the hair and hold her up as she pimp slapped her back and forth across the tits.

I’ve never been one for useless violence and shit like that, and I’ve never bad handed a woman in my life. But goddammit if this shit didn’t rock and get your fuckin blood pumped up. Muthafucker’s were going bug-tits crazy trying to climb into the ring and shit and if the bouncers didn’t get em the girls in the ring slapped em to the floor. Pretty soon it was down to just the tall mexican chick and this huge black chick standing toe-to-toe bitch-slappin each back and forth. After about five minutes of back and forth the tall mexican chick screamed somethin in Spanish and doubled her hands up and just clocked the black chick between the eye’s and down the chick went. As we drove back in the wee hours of the morning my Uncle looked at the grin still stuck on my face and asked me if I dug it.

“Yeah, I fuckin dug it”

"and the monkey flipped the switch"