small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: mighty tasty

Tuesday, April 12

mighty tasty

It’s been said that you kind’a get a sense of the oncoming apocalypse when you look around and see that the best rapper in America is a white cat, the best golfer in the world is a black man and black folk are all in arms and shit protesting a fried chicken franchise.

I’m talking about how long time PETA advisor hip-hop magnate Russell Simmons and the always in the news Reverend Al Sharpton have thrown their considerable weight behind PETA’s ongoing fight against the fried chicken giant, Kentucky Fried Chicken. PETA’s been all over KFC’s ass about the way they kill the stupid chickens, which seems to consist of throwing the still live birds into a scalding hot defeathering tank. And for years KFC has refused to meet with PETA, who now in an effort to force shit to the table has enlisted the services of Simmons and Sharpton.

Simmons who’s well respected in the hip-hop community and who’s brokered peace talks between many a feuding rapper, has been in top-secret negotiations betwixt PETA and KFC. Whilst Sharpton’s been setting up outside inner city KFC’s screening a PETA video showing chickens going to their deaths. Now showing chickens going to their deaths in front of a bunch of inner city black folk has freaked out all the KFC bigwigs who in exchange for Sharpton stopping his shit have sent a plane full of executives to meet With PETA in New York City. And if some kind of agreement between PETA and KFC isn’t reached, PETA says that they’ll escalate some shit and up their chicken killin propaganda against KFC.

You know, on a personal note I watched some shit on the TV about chickens a few months ago which enforced my lifelong suspicions that chickens are really really stupid and more importantly, it’s a fuckin chicken. We’re not talking feeding tubes or world peace or educating the stupid here or starving kids in Africa and shit. We’re talking about stupid chickens that are eaten for food. I remember this show on the Discovery Channel I think about these families relocated to the wilderness to live like people lived in settler times. This one family had to grow their own food, milk the cows and shit like that to survive.

One of the best parts of the show featured this little boy around ten years old whose sole job was to feed the chickens and retrieve any eggs they laid. Well, against his father’s advice he adopted one of the stinkin chickens as a pet. He named the muthafucker and took it on longs walks and all that good shit. Then came the day when it came time to kill one of the chickens for supper and in front of the kid the father laid said chicken over a stump and chopped off his fuckin head. The kid lost his fuckin mind but the father not only said that he told him so, but that evening as the family sat around the dinner table, the father made sure that the kid cleaned his plate.

Now some people might see this as a huge cruel act, but I saw it as a hard lesson learned. The father told the kid over and over again that it a fuckin chicken, not a pet. And the time will come when it’s the chicken’s turn to do it’s chickenly duty and feed the family. PETA’s fight against KFC on how they kill the stupid chickens is bullshit. Chop their heads off; throw em into boiling water, shotgun the muthafuckers, choke em out. It’s just what I think, but it's a fuckin chicken, let it go.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger the stranger said...

you have a great point, chickens are really fuckin stupid. too bad they also feel pain and suffer.

1:37 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

When people are in extreme situations like living off of the land and not the grocerie store it is amazing how they change their holier than thou principles.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Death said...

This is to the “Stranger”.
Unless you’re a vegan or maybe a Buddhist or something along similar lines, please then suggest to me how without hurting it’s feelings and shit how one would kill a chicken for human consumption? Back in the day my grandmother would grab one around the head and snap the whole chicken like a whip. Or on that chicken special I saw on the TV, the farmer slipped the chicken’s head thru a special collar and whacked it off with a single blow of his axe. I guess we could also wait till the chicken died of old age then just pick it up from where it fell. But if you have a better way I’d love to hear it and pass it along. Really I would.

1:52 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

I could just make you peanut butter and jelly.. there are so many things we can eat without having to hurt anyone.. there's no reason anyone HAS to eat a chicken. You know how I feel about PETA, but I'm with the chickens on this one.

2:39 PM  
Blogger Death said...

Satyavati, being a Devotee of Krishna as you are, I can understand you not hurting any living thing. And you can make me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches anytime you'd like. I would enjoy it.

3:19 PM  
Blogger the stranger said...

well, i am not a buddhist or a vegan, i am a taoist and a vegetarian, but that has little to do with my initial comment. i was just pointing out that while chickens may be fuckin stupid, it hurts the fuck out of them when they're tossed in boiling water. women who go back to their abusive boyfriends are stupid as fuck too, that doesn't make it right to beat the shit out of them.

i'm not going to argue that eating meat is wrong and all that jazz, but i do have to take issue with corporate factory farms who don't even bother to kill the chickens before they tear all their feathers out, just to save a few bucks.

3:33 PM  
Anonymous Nightmare said...


how they get in my pot doesn't concern me. It is like using an alcohol swab on a person getting leathal injection, because I would hate to see him go to hell with an infection.

Dead is dead, chickens are tasty, end of story. We wouldn't be having this problem if the liberals were to squimish to kill their own and eat it.

10:03 AM  
Blogger the stranger said...

ignorance is a remedy for anything, nightmare.

1:07 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I don't think we can say because chickens are stupid that they deserve to be killed inhumanely. People have gone to jail for animal cruelty, mostly to dogs and cats. So, is that where we draw the line? Cuddly creatures deserve a humane death while "stupid animals" don't? I don't think we can draw a line... any living creature still needs to be treated with respect, even if it's being killed for food.

Dammit Greg, I think this whole post has put me off of eating meat for awhile....

9:51 AM  
Blogger the stranger said...

in getting all righteous in my comments, i forgot to mention that i loved this post, it made me laugh.

12:29 AM  
Blogger Matty said...

You know what kicks ass? Being at the top of the food chain. You know what sucks? Being a chicken. Fuck PETA, fuck chickens, and while you're at it, fuck the Colonel, the grinning cracker bastard. I don't actually think I have anything constructive to add here, just thought I'd throw around some Mattyish hateranting and general negativity. I mean, Jesus, I've eaten dog, I want to try cat, and it wouldn't bother me to eat what cannibals used to refer to as "long pork", given the right set of circumstances. Everything eats, everything gets eaten, no flesh shall ever be spared. The only thing PETA really has worth protesting is the technology used to pluck the birds. Protesting technology is a bad idea. Just ask any of the Polish cavalry that tried charging Nazi tanks back in '39. They'd tell you, if any had survived. Darwin had a name for that kind of shortsighted hubris. Natural selection.

3:23 AM  

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