sweatin the small stuff

So last night I went over this chick’s house to show her how to clean all the bullshit out’a her computer. I’m sitting there in her kitchen where the computer was located installing some shit into her system while she stood across the room cooking dinner. I had just finished removing almost “two-thousand” pieces of spyware and was getting ready to install a firewall and her son, who’s around five, is standing next to me watching me work. He’s watching and lookin and listening as me and his mother who’s this abnormally hot MILF yak back and forth.

Suddenly out of the clear fuckin blue he throws out this question.

“are you sleeping in the bed with mommy tonight”?

As his mother turned bright red and started making choking sounds, I looked down at this little kid who had such a serious look on his face and gently informed him that I wasn’t, then I bit thru both my cheeks so as not to burst out laughing my damnself. The shit that comes out of the mouth of babes. But enough of that, since it’s Friday let’s sweat the small stuff why don’t we?

From the “that’s why they call it dope, dope” department.

Over in Indiana this cat went down to the local city jail to do his brother-in-law’s bail. Everything was cool until he handed over the stack of bills to the chick behind the counter. She’s counting the money and couldn’t help but notice that all the bills were damp? And not only were they damp but were also emitting a strong odor. She called over one of the jailer’s who happened to be standing nearby who after sniffing the money said it smelled like marijuana. This drew the attention of a state trooper who came over to take a whiff, who than called over the brother and asked if he would stand for a search.

After a search of the cat’s car the cops found a small amount of weed along with some pipes. The cops then of course confiscated the damp smelly money along with the other shit and threw the cat’s dumb ass in jail next to his brother-in-law. According to my many inside sources the cat had to stay in jail until his brother-in-law, who he originally tried to bail out, got bailed out by someone else and could then come back and bail him out. Let this be a lesson learned. Never try to bail someone out with money that your stupid ass spilled the bong water on.


I’m dancing here

Now from the “I love my pet but goddamn”department.

This Washington state couple found out that their golden retriever Comet who had lymphoma would die unless he received a stem-cell transplant. After thinking shit over they decided to clench their butt-cheeks together and squeeze out forty-five thousand dollars to have it done. The operation was done last summer using stem-cells from a compatible golden retriever found after spending months scouring the country tracking down all of Comet’s relatives and testing em.

The operation was done at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, which according to my many inside sources has preformed hundreds such operations on dogs over the past few decades. My sources tell me that all this stem-cell work on dogs is just a precursor to perfecting the skills needed to do it on humans. They also tell me that Comet is recovering nicely and appears to be showing signs that he’s completely cured. And on an endnote here, that muthafucker better be recovering and shit, because if I spent forty-five thousand dollars on fixing a dog or cat? That muthafucker better come with a snapping pussy and have the fuckin ability to shit gold. I’m just sayin and shit.


what, you talkin to me? if you don’t take that bass out’a yer voice I’m gonna slap the nuts off of ya

And finally from the “you’re a crusty old bastard aren’t you?” department.

The local police in New York State had to throw the cuffs on this seventy-two old year former elementary school teacher. It seems that for the past two years the former teacher spent a lot of his spare time littering the driveways of old co-workers and school administrators with roofing nails and throwing paint and shit on their garage doors. Police said that three former school board members, a retired principal and a retired assistant principal, all from the same elementary school the old cat used to work at back in the day among were the nine victims targeted over the past two years.

For almost two years the victims had to deal with flattened tires and fucked over garages due to the efforts of the old schoolteacher. According to my many inside sources it seems that thirty years ago the former elementary schoolteacher was on the receiving end of some poor work reviews and has held a grudge against those involved all these years and waited all this time to do something about it. See, this is why I don’t fuck with old people. You never know what’s behind all that blue hair and wrinkles. You might be fuckin with some ex war vet with mad killin skills and shit, who’ll walk up behind your stupid ass and cut your throat with his fuckin false teeth.

I remember when I first signed up with the Man, I was walking thru this underground complex and a group of old blue hairs asked me who I belonged too. I must’a had the wrong tone in my voice cause next thing I knew four old women had my big ass locked up against the wall doing a body search.

“Next time we ask you something punk, you better have a more respectful tone of voice, punk. You’re lucky we got great grandkids your age who think we’re nice or you’d be pullin your head out of your ass, punk”

I found out later that all these women had all spent their careers in the military. I still see a couple of those old chicks to this day and still give em all the room they want.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"