sweatin the small stuff

think PETA knows about this?

From the “soup you can eat with a fork” department. A New Jersey man who was mistakenly accused of cannibalism is suing a doctor along with the Newark and Parsippany police departments. It seems that sometime earlier in the year the cat was getting X-rays at his local medical center when some odd shit showed up. The attending doctor called the cops because the X-ray film showed what looked to be finger bones in the man’s stomach. And of course when the cat was questioned about the finger bones in his stomach, he of course denied eating anybody.

When police ended up going to the man’s house to do a search the cat suddenly remembered the chicken foot soup he eats all the time. Now according to my many inside sources, the man’s wife makes this delicious homemade chicken foot soup that’s just the shit. After checking the soup and comparing the chicken foot bones in the soup with the bones in the man’s X-rays, it seems that both sets of bones matched up and the doctor and cops fucked up. So it looks like somebody’s getting paid. Oh, and my many inside sources also brought me a recipe they found, so here you go courtesy of pastrywiz.com.

Two pounds of chicken feet
two chicken breast, de-boned, coarsely chopped
one chicken bouillon cube
two quarts of water for boiling
one small onion, peeled, coarsely chopped
one minced garlic clove
chopped green onions to taste
Flour
four carrots, cut and peeled
Oil, for sauté
Salt & pepper to taste
few pinches of oregano
few pinches of Rosemary
Dry white wine, to your taste

Directions: wash the chicken’s feet real well.
Wash and de-fat chicken breasts... remove skin and bones. Cut into small pieces. Pat dry with paper towels, and sauté in hot oil or butter for a few minutes.
Add vegetables... and spices...sauté a few minutes more. Stir; make onions soft but not browned. Add a little wine, cook over low heat for a few minutes until some of the liquid evaporates. Boil water... add bouillon. Throw in the whole mess from the skillet, all meat and vegetables... toss in the feet... bring to a boil and then simmer until the chicken is cooked and tender. NOW... in a clean skillet... heat some oil... add some flour, equal measure... maybe 1/4 cup, each... over moderate heat, make a "roux"... browning the flour/oil mixture, but do not burn... add to the soup. Cook the whole thing until slightly thickened... remove from heat... add wine and cover... let set a few minutes... and serve with cooked rice (maybe add cooked rice to the soup... or separately

ok ok….those are my balls dammit! I’ll stop bumming smokes, I promise

And from the “flinging shit don’t seem so bad anymore” department. A South African zoo is working overtime trying to get its star chimpanzee Charlie to kick a bad smoking habit. What’s going on here is that Charlie the monkey has been picking up cigarettes thrown to him by visitors and smoking them, a habit he probably picked up by observing humans. According to my many inside sources, baby chimps learn shit by mimicking grown chimps, and Charlie most likely started mimicking people he saw smoking who then as assholes will, started throwing him smokes.

But trying to get Charlie to stop smoking is easier said then done. He’s already addicted so he has the craving and since chimps are many times stronger then humans, a muthafucker just can’t walk up and take his shit away without getting his ass handed to em. But according to my many inside sources, ain’t nothing funnier then watching some asshole get too close to the monkey bars only to find himself snatched up like a little bitch and getting his smokes taken because some monkey’s having a nicotine fit.



I never have to leave the house

And lastly from the “I bet that I can piss farther then you” department. The local authorities busted a seventeen year-old chick in Africa who has won several track and field events in her area. And why you may ask? Well, Samulkeliso Sithole, (and yes, you heard the last name right) was busted because it was found she has a cock. Not a big swinging six, but a cock nevertheless. After talking to my many inside sources, it seems that Ms, Sithole was born a hermaphrodite, which is a person sportin not only a cootch but also a cock along with it, minus the balls I think.

And the little missy was busted I guess for not declaring her cock? Anyway when she was born he parents took her to one of those traditional African healers to get her fixed up and shit, but her folks turned out to be cheap muthafuckers. And instead of giving the healer the seven goats, two pigs and twenty bucks like they promised, they stiffed his ass and only gave him five goats and ten bucks. So lo and behold the cock stayed and Ms. Sithole became her own best friend

"and the monkey flipped the switch"