small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: see you in a few days

Thursday, May 12

see you in a few days

Quote of the week.
"I am not trying to be bothered with no monkeys; I don't want to see no monkeys. I see enough fools around here"
This from a woman who works in a convenience store being interviewed by her local news about a shit load of horny research monkeys escaping from their cages and running rampant thru town.

I just got back from doing the MAN’s bidding up around our nation’s capital and in a few hours I’ll be heading down toward the tit end of Texas for some serious rest and relaxation. So let me run some shit down for you how things went down up in DC. The initial flight out was cool; I got to KCI and parked the car then took the shuttle over to the airline. Since I’m a seasoned traveler and know the deal, as soon as I got in line I undid the boots and threw them along with my belt buckle and jewelry into the bucket and stepped through the metal detector.

A little later I got on the plane and found my seat which was next to this little hot redhead who turned out to be a very fine traveling companion. I introduced myself to her and she introduced herself to me and that was it. Nothing worse in my book then sitting next to some talkie muthafucker who insists on either giving you their fuckin life story or feels the need to ask you every question under the sun. So this chick worked out just fine and I could tell that she was relieved that I did the same. The flight arrived at the downtown airport in DC and I went off to find my rental car and head to where I had to be. I had to drive to this place called the National Conference Center which was in Lansdowne, Virginia.

Now I’m a smart man and I had a nice rental car and a couple of maps, so I figured I was good to go right? Well, what was supposed to be an hour drive turned into a four hour fuckin nightmare? Maps are great but never take into account shit like road construction and detours and bullshit of that ilk. So as a result I missed my exit and got the fuck lost. I must’a spent an hour in DC its self just trying to find my way out. I ended up calling my brother’s wife to be and asking her for help. I told her I think I’m lost in the hood and she asked how I knew I was in the hood.

Well for starters there’s nothing but black folk walking around, and the ones that weren’t walking were doing the bum’s rush on my car trying to sell me fuckin underwear? What the fucks up with that? At almost every stoplight there’d be muthafucker’s running out from the curb with bags of what looked like underwear trying to sell em. Goddamn, I can understand some cat trying to make a few bucks but underwear is just something I’m not buying off the fuckin corner.

Anyway, with some help I found the freeway and was on my way to the Conference Center and I find myself right in the middle of DC rush hour traffic. And if you’re reading this and live in DC please forgive me but you muthafucker’s drive like blind ass Stevie Wonder cranked on acid. And what’s up with the six lanes of traffic? I really thought I was gonna die on some freeway in DC. I’m driving a few miles over the posted speed limit and cars are blowing past me like I’m fuckin going in reverse.

I actually was thinking about how much trouble would I get into if I just parked and went back home. Really, it was that damn bad out there. But I kept going and soon found my self off the stinkin beltway and on this nice two lane road which would lead me to my destination. That is until I found myself stuck in a traffic jam for almost an hour. I kept thinking that it must be a pretty bad accident up ahead to cause all this stoppage, but I was to find out that it was caused by road paving. Who fuckin paves the fuckin roads at night? How bad does shit have to be that some muthafucker downtown gets to thinking that traffic is so fucked up during the day that the only way to get shit done is pave the fuckin roads at night which stops shit for over an hour? Fuck me runnin.

It must be my Midwest upbringing but the highways up in that part of the country just insane. But to make shit short cause this is going on way to long, I got to were I had to be which is another story in its self and now I packing for my first vacation in years. Somebody’s getting drunk and buck assed nekked. Word.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger dee said...


I've gotta say that I have spent some time reading your blog and ALL your archives that you are one fantastic guy!

Thanks for the laughs, the basic common sense stuff, and all the rest!

Big Hugs

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I just moved to No virginia last year and I so agree. Coming from the Midwest to this hellhole is something.

I used to think LA had the worst damned drivers, but no. Dc took the cake. Actually the Entire DC metro area pretty much sucks. and not in a good way.

I learned to go 20 over the speed limit or get nearly run off the road. Never use your turn signal because it sure as hell will confuse them.

And forget being a polite driver, they'll slam you into a retaining wall that way.

Sorry you got stuck here like that. What a crappy way to learn the DC area.

7:46 PM  
Blogger Death said...

thank you Dee and anonymous.

9:17 PM  
Anonymous Bebe said...

I absolutely refuse to drive in this god-far-saken hellhole. Did you look at the map? What the hell kind of grid is that? People here have the nerve to actually call DC streets a grid! I get lost at least once a week on my way to the grocery store the streets are so fucked up here.

I feel your pain.

I really wish you woulda had time to get a drink, but such is life.

10:08 PM  
Blogger Bella said...

LOL. Where I live, they pave the roads during rush hour traffic. Where I live, they ain't too smart. Thank Gawd I'm not a native from here, I'd kill myself. They are suppose to pave roads during the wee hours of the night like 1-4 in the morning but they choose to do it during what seems like traffic time because the construction bastards don't wanna pay the extra money for night shift.

2:02 PM  

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