small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: blast from the past

Thursday, June 2

blast from the past

Every so often I feel that since I talk enough shit on a daily basis to power a small city, I need to occasionally humble myself before the stinkin masses. So I try to write about some embarrassing incident in my life just to show that I can laugh at myself. Which if you know me personally, you already know that’s not too fuckin hard. So here’s a post from a few years ago about a very embarrassing thing I had to deal with.

You know those labels on the side of prescription bottles that say, “do not drink alcohol while on this medication”? I got to find out one time what that really means. But let me start at the beginning. For a whole week I was confined to my couch with what had to be the worst thing that can happen to a man. The only reason I’m telling you this is as a public service. Listen very carefully; if you got a set of balls, and they hurt, see a doctor quickly, cause I got stuck with a kind of virus that affects one in a thousand men.

It’s called “Epididymitis”. The generic laymen’s term is “God’s punishment for having a penis”. This virus makes your balls swell to the size of large grapefruits, I fucking kid you not. Think of your balls growing to over three or four times their normal size, and then imagine somebody setting them on fire.
“Wait, it gets better”
Then imagine someone standing thirty feet away with a big stick, and every time you walk or otherwise move, this person getting a good running start and smacking you dead in the nutsac. The pain is worthy of poetry. Word. One of the worst parts was when I was at the hospital trying to find out what was wrong. I’m the fuckin examining room wearing nothing but sneakers and one of those stupid hospital gowns and in walks this gorgeous tiny little Asian chick wearing scrubs. She asks what the problem is and at first all I could do was stare down at her wishing for a doctor with a beard and wrinkles.
“Doc, it’s my balls, they’re not looking so good”
Suddenly it’s like a bad Penthouse moment, she drops to her knees and lifts up my robe to take a good look. Then I hear this cute little muffled voice say, “does this hurt”? And before I could scream don’t, she fuckin poked one of my balls with her finger. After the guy with the stick walked away, I gritted out yes. It was nothing short of irony, the only way I can get an uber hot Asian chick on her knees interested in my balls is when they look like they’ve came off of Godzilla and shit. But she told me what I had and gave me some shit to take care of it and I took my balls and went home.

I couldn’t even go to work not only because of the pain but mainly because I looked so stupid. When I put on jeans it looked like I had stuffed basketballs down the front of my pants, not a pretty site. So I stayed home until everything got better. I did learn a couple of things though, one of which is never tell your mother that your balls have swelled up. She took this insane delight in calling two or three times a day over the phone screaming “how are your balls doing”? Then cackling and tittering like some old crazy women. The second involved my stupid cat. I’m walking around in my robe one day and thought I’d show him what a set of giant balls looked like. He took one look, hissed then swatted one of em. All I can say was that after the man with the stick left I went and sat very still for a long time.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

I don't know if I should cry in pain or laugh at loud. You managed to make a very serious and painful sounding experience funny.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Billy D said...

Holy shit dude! How do you get that shit?

11:44 AM  
Blogger satyavati said...

People always use that phrase 'got your ass in a sling'.. but I've never seen anyone with their ass in a sling.. I have, however, seen balls in a sling; I've put em in a sling, and I've taken em out.
That being said, I guess I can sympathise if not empathise, and I suppose if I wanna be sick n twisted I can replay the whole scene in my mind with me in the role of 'uber hot Asian chick'.. except that would make it a comedy instead of a porno.
Oh well...

4:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i laughed hysterically then........and i'm doin it again...
- so says the sister

7:50 PM  
Anonymous assrot said...

Yeh man ! I can relate. I had that shit when I was 22 years old. My right nut swole so big the skin on it split. I was laid up for a month. Demerol didn't touch the pain. I went back to the doc and he first gave me a shot right in the nuts that numbed them. Then he gave me dilaudid along with some antibiotics. When it finally healed, my right nut dissappeared never to be heard from again. I get along fine with one nut but it looks kind of funny.

7:16 AM  

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