small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, June 3

sweatin the small stuff

this is a picture of the cast of Buffy showing the chicks before makeup and all the good shit, sent to me by one of my many inside sources

From the “canary in a coal mine” department:

Hails an odoriferous story close to my own heart since I shit and smoke at the same time. In Pennsylvania this cat stepped into a porta-potty to take a shit, and as is the habit of some smokers he lit up a cigarette. But instead of leaning back and taking a leisurely dump, the muthafucker got blown the fuck up. Seems that when he lit up, the flame from his lighter torched off a shitload of methane that had built up inside the shitter.

The miner suffered bad burns over most of his body and is permanently disfigured. In short when shit blew up he got fucked the fuck up. According to my many inside sources, the cat’s suing the owner of the land that the crapper was located on, which is this coal company. And also getting sued is the owner of a local methane plant who according to the lawsuit owned the methane pipes that ran under the shitter. Which according to the lawsuit leaked into the porta-potty and caused the explosion.

My god, the poor bastard. Just think about it, you’re taking a break from your busy day and decide to time out in the crapper. All that’s on your mind as you pull out your smokes is maybe what your wife packed you for lunch. You flick your Bic and all of a sudden instead of squeezing one out, you’re getting blown the fuck up. Of all the places in the world that a man can get his ass handed to him, your ass ends up hitting mach-one in some smelly porta-potty in the middle of a fuckin coal mine.

actually it was seeing Gallagher that made the dog do this

From the “I paid to see this?” department:

Comes the sad story of criminal mischief, angry burnt-out used to be comics and other nefarious bullshit. Over in Nevada some cat has accused the comedian Gallagher of assault. You all remember Gallagher don’t you; he’s the muthafucker who’s made a living from smashing watermelons on stages with a sledgehammer. And to think we evolved from ass lice picking apes to pay to see this cocksuckers act?

Anyway according to my many inside sources, during a show at this casino Gallagher walked on a table, bitched out a waitress and slapped this customer on the side of the head. Gallagher is saying that it was all part of his act. He wanted the customer to come up on stage but the cat was busy chatting up the cocktail server. So since comics hate people talking during their acts, he walked across some tables and after calling the waitress a talkie bitch, popped the customer across the head.

He claimed it was akin to hitting someone in the face with a pie and was all done for laughs. But nevertheless, the cops are investigating this as an assault. Just my opinion, but I think the cat needs to be slapped for paying to see this cocksucker. But the casino did fire Gallagher due to all the bad press, as if the fuckin marquee wasn’t enough.

this photo is from my vacation. My friend Sara decided to drive one morning and besides scaring the fuck out'a me, this is what happens when you put her behind the wheel. Damn, this took a long time to clean up, they're still pickin white boy out of the grill

And lastly from the “big giant ass book of dumbass shit you shouldn’t do” department:

Comes the story of a 14-year-old boy who stole a bulldozer and led Tucson, Arizona, police on a 15-mile chase which ended in the kid getting shot the fuck up. According to my many inside sources, the kid stole the bulldozer from a local construction site and took it on a joyride thru town.

Shit began when police noticed scattered power outages in a neighborhood on Tucson’s eastside. After figuring shit out they soon realized that a bulldozer being driven by this kid was knocking down power poles along the road. Pretty soon there were up to fifteen cop cars in hot pursuit of the illicitly commandeered bulldozer that reached speeds of thirty miles and hour. After a fifteen-mile chase, the kid turned the bulldozer turned around and began driving downhill toward the police. That’s when two cops opened up and got all Dirty Harry on the kid's ass with at least one round hitting the bulldozer stealing little fister. The cops are saying that they had no choice given the assumption that he was going to run over em.

Well, isn’t that special? I bet muthafucker’s are all up in arms over this shit and parents are gnashing their teeth and wailing that their son didn’t deserve his fate and somewhere fuckin Jessie Jackson is asking the important questions. “Is the kid black or white”? But here at Death’s Door, we know the deal.
1. If you run from the cops and get shot, your ass shouldn’t have ran.
2. If you try to hurt cops and get shot, your ass shouldn’t have fucked with em.

Which means when you steal a fuckin big cocksuckin bulldozer and after a fifteen-mile chase, turn the muthafucker around and try to run down the cops only to get your young ass shot the fuck up. You asked for it.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Arathorn said...

Hilarious posting. I wonder though if the coal miner story is true due to the fact that smoking is illegle in the coal mines(being a pennsylvania certified coal miner). When you desend on the elevator to get to the bottem the fire boss asks if you have any smoking articles and then actually pats you down to be certain that you aren`t sneakin one in.Although I would assume that methane could collect in a porta-potty in the great outdoors due to the fact that methane is lighter than air it could of collected in the upper portion of the closet above the door.

11:27 AM  
Blogger Billy D said...

Fuckin A man. Kid got what he had coming, no doubt.

And I'll never shit and smoke at the same time again. Imagine landing in your neighbors yard bare-assed and burnt up, covered in baked on shit.

11:29 AM  

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