small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, June 17

sweatin the small stuff

From the “things not to do in Seattle” department……..

Comes the story of a cat who enters Blalock’s Beauty Collage the other day with the intent of robbing it. He does the bum’s rush thru the door with pistol in hand whilst talking tough shit to all the women inside. This all went down a little before noon when the robber walked in and announced, “this is a holdup”, as the students and workers were cleaning up and shit. The gun-waving robber told everyone to get down on the floor and as the women did what he said, some of em started crying which pissed off the robber who told em to shit the fuck up or they’ll be the first to go.

Now according to my many inside sources, what happened next was a beautiful thing to see. After robbing everyone that had money the robber turned to run out the door. The fifty-three year old manager of the beauty school who was lying near the door stuck out her leg and tripped the guy up. As he fell the woman screamed, “get that muthafucker”, and every chick in the shop jumped on the cat and commenced to kicking his ass.

Arming themselves with curling irons, chairs, a wooden table leg and clenched fists, the women apparently whipped that muthafucker so bad that not only was he bleeding over everything but he also peed all over himself. This is a quote from the manager of the beauty school describing what happened as crying and in pain the robber tried to crawl away.
"I grabbed his muthafuckin legs and wouldn't let him go. I pulled his theiving ass back. He wasn't going to get up out of here and tell everyone he robbed us. When he came in here, he knocked down a beehive and sent the bees flying all over."
According to the cops, the wanna be robber will be booked into the City Jail once he is released from the hospital where he’s receiving treatment for severe bruising and lacerations. I would just like to add that if you’ve ever seen the chicks that hang out at black beauty schools, you’d easily understand what went on here. Think of a room full of linebacker’s with tits.

Now from the “why I don’t shit in the woods” department…….

Comes a story from Dunbar, West Virginia, home of the “West Virginia Surf Report”, where Larry and his brother Billy Bob were forced to cut short their latest fishing trip. It seems that ole Larry and Billy Bob were out camping and fishing when they heard all this noise coming from the outside of their tent. Taking a peek, they saw their cooler loaded with beer clamped to the toothy end of a large bear.

The bear dragged the cooler into the woods where he then flung it against a tree breaking the cooler open and scattering Coors Light all over the place. After eating all the food in the cooler and knocking back three of the cold beers, the bear then vanished into the woods. Larry was quoted as saying,
“he only drank three cans, he would've drank all of them if it would've been Budweiser.yuk..yuk.."
Billy Bob wasn’t letting the bear off so easily being that since the bear ate all their food they had to cut shit short and return to Dunbar the next morning.
“Either relocate the goddamned bears or let me eat em”

what? kissing’s old school....
how bout you blow me and I turn into your prince charming?

And lastly from the “since we’re on the subject” department…..

Elsewhere in Virginia this family had an unwanted houseguest in the form of a two hundred pound black bear. The homeowner said that when she let Rosie the dog out Saturday night, she heard the dog barking and caught sight of something small scurrying in the darkness. In the dim light her eyes made out the form of a small bear cub climbing up a tree. How cute she thought till she noticed Rosie the dog beating all kinds of ass running past her into the house.

She looked again and was shocked to see a bigger bear, who happened to be moving rapidly in her direction. The woman did the sensible thing, which was run like a raped ape after the dog. Into the house ran Rosie the dog, followed by the woman, who was followed by the bear. She attempted to slam the front door on the bear but the bear just shoved the door aside and came on in. The bear then went after Rosie the dog, who by that time had skedaddled to the basement.

The woman saw her chance and after screaming to her eighty three year old mother to slam the basement door and get the fuck out, ran back outside herself followed closely by Rosie the dog who escaped from the basement in the knick of time. The woman’s husband who was upstairs taking a shower, heard all the racket and called police who after looking shit over, let the bear out thru a back door. The bear or its cub hasn’t been seen since and the only one to sustain any injuries was Rosie the dog who got bit up just a bit, but who since has recovered fully.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Cerberus said...

I wish I could have seen the aftermath of the battle at the beauty shop. That guy got wore out pretty soundly. He was probably happy when the cops showed up to rescue him from the severe ass-whiping those women laid on him.

3:06 PM  
Blogger Arathorn said...

I woulda paid 29.95 to see that on pay per view. You gotta love it when some jerk gets his come- upence. Great postingGreg .keep up the good work.

4:32 PM  
Blogger R. U. Serious said...

Too bad they don't have security cameras. Someone would be cashing in.

Damned If I Know

4:55 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Too many bears in west VA. We do need to start eating them.

11:09 AM  

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