blast from the past...learning some shit

ummmmm, pubes. arrrgggggggggg


I was a bouncer in a rock club that had bullet holes above the front door and carried no bottles or glassware, and we averaged three to five fights every night of the week. This was back in the day that when a cat took a swing at you, you had better swing back or you were everybody’s punk. Big hair, spandex, and leather was the rule of thumb. On a good night we could hold six hundred screaming assholes, and get this, the place only had six bouncers. The place originally started out as a cowboy club, and until they closed “Asleep At The Wheel” would play there every year.

I learned a lot of things working there

... I learned that Rob Halford of Judas Priest dressed his boyfriend in matching outfits and made him stand on stage where he could watch him.

... I learned that if anyone touched Johnny Winter he would head back to his bus and wouldn’t come out.

... I learned that Yngwie Malmsteen was a huge asshole.

... I learned that groupies will do anything, and I really mean anything to get on the bus.

... I learned that having a sweaty Joan Jett sitting on your shoulders while doing a guitar solo and at the same time trying to rub her pubes through the back of your neck is very cool.

... I learned that having the lead singer from Great White stop during a song and call me the meanest muthafucker he had ever seen, and the crowd cheering me is pretty cool.

... I learned that watching Country Dick Montana of the Beat Farmers walk into the crowd and tell everybody to sit on the floor cause he wanted to tell a story, and watching in stunned disbelief as over six hundred people did exactly just that, had to one of the finest examples of crowd control I had ever seen.

... I learned that having some drunk chick slap the wrestler “Jake The Snake Roberts”, and then me having to tell him he had to leave the bar had my guts in a knot.

... I learned that it’s not the fight that hurts it’s the recovery.

... I learned to hate bachelor parties, cause when you got twenty guys that decide they wanna beat up on the bouncers and the before mentioned bouncers pulling out all the stops, getting “Old School” on their asses and sending half of them to the ER is not cool. Mainly because as soon as the smoke cleared the Cops camera crew came running down the ally and it was all over by then and my mom didn’t get to see me on the TV.

... I learned that I really enjoyed a good moshpit; cause when you got a good pit rolling it’s the best relief valve for stressed out kids I have ever seen.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"