sweatin the small stuff

On the way home last night I saw one of the most beautiful sights in nature. It was a bit on the cloudy side but suddenly the sun popped thru and in the glistening sunlight I saw a herd of gussied up MILF’s thundering thru a parking lot. It was a sight to see, MILF’s of all colors and rack sizes moving as one making that little squealing chatting sound that MILF’s are known for.

I looked to see what was causing such a sizeable herd to stampede and on the marquee of the Uptown Theater across from the parking lot I saw that Mr. White Wedding himself, Billy Idol was playing. If there’s a thing custom made for MILFs it’s a Billy Idol tour. We just sat there on the bus with our faces pressed to against the windows like little children until they passed from sight.

Why is it that the fattest fucks on the goddamned bus insist on sitting in the aisle seat? My fuckin god, you got the whole seat to yourselves, move your fat ass over to the inside so that I don’t have to squeeze my fat ass by on the way to my seat. Plus is there anything more unattractive than some fat chick in dirty spandex whose wrinkly stinkin fat ass is spilling all out into the fuckin aisle and shit?

But enough of mother’s I’d like to fuck and fat chicks on the bus, let’s check in with my many inside sources and sweat the small stuff shall we?


From the “hi, Rogers, Buck Rogers, good to see ya” department………


Comes a story of scientists who after inventing some shit find themselves rethinking the shit they invented. Which happens to be a "Star Wars"-style ray gun due to be deployed in Iraq for riot control next year. This little jewel cutely called the Active Denial System weapon, is classified by the Pentagon as “less lethal” then just up and shooting some muthafuckers.

This “less lethal” ray gun thingie fires a 95-gigahertz microwave beam at rioters to cause heating and intolerable pain in less than five seconds. Now I don’t know what 95-gigahertz is, but I’m so very sure that I don’t want something that shoots something called a gigahertz pointing at me. Anyway the idea is that muthafuckers caught in the beam will do their goddammist to get the fuck out’a the way, thus breaking up crowds and shit. Now I don’t know about you cats but when I’m in the kitchen microwaveing popcorn, I’m very cognizant of the fact that I’m standing in front of something unnatural.

There’s this box that I stick food and shit into and after a few minutes of being bombarded with invisible “microwaves”, it comes out cooked. If that ain’t white mans magic I don’t know what the fuck is. And now they got a fuckin gun that shoots out microwaves? I ain’t standing in front of the muthafucker, especially after hearing from my many inside sources about all the shit that went down during “live” testing.

Yeah it people playing the part of rioters were put on hold for a bit as all the scientist went into a huddle. “Uh, if you all could remove any glasses or contact lenses you might be wearing, that would be nice”. Then after another huddle the participants were asked to remove all metal objects like coins from their clothing to avoid local hot spots developing on their skin. I’m not even going to ask where do you get muthafucker’s gung-ho enough to stand in front of a so called “non-lethal” ray gun just to see if it works or not. But I guess this is the kind of shit that happens when folks get all pissed off when you test shit on cows and pigs and shit. A vehicle-mounted version of the weapon named Sheriff was scheduled for service in Iraq in 2006, and that U.S. Marines and police were both working on portable versions. Hmmm, coming soon to a riot near you.



here's your zero tolerance coming right at ya



From the “Jane, you stupid bitch” department comes…………..


A story of rules and responsibility gone horribly wrong in Houston. Last month seventy nine year old World War Two vet and school-crossing guard Francis Light was just minding his own business and thinking about trying to take a pee when this chick walked up to him and asked for a urine sample. According to Mr. Light, he was baffled, “gosh darn it, I've been doing this school job for nigh onto 16 years, and I never heard of anyone taking a drug test, at least the crossing guards, most of us are old people anyways."

So naturally he told the chick hell no and to go lick the dangliest part of his nut sac, then he went about his business. About two hours later, when he got back home the school district called and told him he was terminated. According to Mr. Light, they told him he had ten days to turn in his shit. You know, a stop sign, raincoat, stuff like that. Now according to my many inside sources, Terry Abbott, a Houston Independent School District spokesman said that Mr. Light shouldn’t have been surprised. "Every employee understands if you refuse the drug or alcohol test, you are automatically terminated. We cannot allow people who are responsible for our children's safety to refuse to take a drug or alcohol test."

Now Mr. Light does remember being told such a thing some months back but he also said they give us rules and regulations all the darn time, and every year they get thicker and thicker to the point where he doesn’t even bother to read em any more. Mr. Light, who once you get his old ass to talking can’t seem to shut the fuck up, goes on to say that he drank his last beer 51 years ago and has never used illegal drugs. Well except for that one time in the war when he had to bail out over this small atoll in the South Pacific and smoked some banana leaves.

Anyway he would have submitted to the drug test, except he couldn't find any one in charge to tell him it was required. “My nurse, my secretary, my principal, nobody was there. I didn't have anybody there to talk too, and I didn't know the skirt who told me to take one from a hole in the head." Local parents are up in arms over the firing of Mr. Light and are lobbying the school district to give Light a second chance. "This is just one of those situations where a better look at what's going on would serve everyone well," said one parent. "I trust my kid's life with this man." But according to the Houston school district they can't make an exception for Light, even if Light does have a perfect work record. "It would completely destroy our ability to keep children safe if we allowed people to refuse the drug or alcohol test”.

Now one of my many inside sources ran a very good point by me. It’s understood that rules are emplaced to protect and shit like that. But in certain situations there’s a thing called common sense that needs to take place. I understand zero tolerance as much as the next muthafucker, but in situations like this where the person is clearly a good hard worker, who has the respect and admiration of those who place their kid’s safety in his hands, you bitches need to think outside of the fuckin rules. When I see so called zero tolerance shit like this, all I see is a bunch of pious cocksuckers who can’t or won’t take the time to think for themselves. Cause to them it’s much easier to let a set of catch-all rules decide things for em.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"