small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: grammy

Monday, August 8


twenny dollar make ya holler
I’m tapped out, can’t think, burnt out, suffering from serious slackitude, feeling very Minnesota as of late. Maybe I’ll sell all my shit and buy a backpack and travel the country. I donno, fuckin a few hookers sounds good? That’s it, I’ll sell all my shit and travel the country fucking hookers and bumming it up.

Except that if I fucked nothing but hookers that’ll be kind’a expensive wouldn’t it? Plus wouldn’t hookers I meet on the road stink like a muthafucker? Also there’s that whole spandex slash cameltoe thing I’d have to deal with. You know I actually saw a chick band on the TV this weekend where they all wore the white pants with the giant cameltoe inserts? Chick be beating the crap out of her bass and suddenly she’d throw her foot up on her monitor and there it was. This giant protruding over exaggerated cameltoe. Muthafucker had to be what, six, eight inches from tip to taint? That’s when I noticed that all the girls in the band had em. Scared the fuck out’a the kids it did.

It would be my luck to walk into some roadhouse whilst traveling the country and it’ll be full of old hookers sporting the giant cameltoe. Too much shit like that make a man find religion real fuckin quick. Giant cameltoe’s and grandma titties. You all know grandma titties right? Their the titties that don’t show up unless you look at the waist, cause that’s where they’re usually hanging. Big ole dangling grandma titties just swinging to a fro, “swing low, sweet chariot”. Except that nobodies coming to carry me home, cause I’m running the fuck out of the bar.

Whew, all this talk of giant cameltoes and grandma titties brings to mind a story. See back in the day there was this old woman that lived on our street. She was real big with the chain smoking and was always referring to all the kids as honey this or baby that. One morning I’m out in the yard mowing the grass and talking with one of my buddies that lived up the street when she came to her door and hollers out, “could one of you babies bring me the paper?” Me and my buddy run and grab her newspaper from out in the front yard.

We get to the door and stop shell-shocked dead in our tracks. She’s standing in her doorway wearing nothing but this sheer blue negligee. Here’s the picture, and remember that we were kids back then. We had talked about the pussy and bragged about the pussy but none of us had ever had the pussy. But in front of us was what had to be the hairiest pussy in the fuckin world.

Looked like her pussy had swallowed Tito Jackson feet first and shit. And swaying just above the pussy were these huge grandma titties. The sight of em must’a froze in the back of my head somewhere. Cause every blue moon I’ll have a nightmare about being chased by these huge floating grandma titties. No matter where I try to hide they always seem to find me, and I wake up drenched in sweat cause I can’t get away from the wretched grandma titties.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger satyavati said...

This blog oughta come with directions on how to do the Heimlich maneuver for when you choke on your lunch from laughing..
it's a good thing I'm a nurse!

12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

may mrs. campbell rest in peace!
-- so says the sister

12:52 PM  
Blogger Bella said...

Kinda reminds me of the perv that use to live across the street from me. Leaning up against a tree, bottle of Jack in one hand, watering hose in the other, singing Frank Sinatra songs buck assed nekked.

3:03 PM  
Blogger Surfie said...

Oh my...I was literally laughing my ass off at this post.

'Nother classic Beck.

I'm not going to know how to choose my favorite posts anymore!

4:05 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Trying to eat popcorn and reading blog at the same time is very hazardous. I almost choked my fucking life up laughing.

4:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As redd fox would say back in the day.....Fuuunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnkyyyyyyyy!

The Raven

Wait here is a better one....I kissed her lips and just for fun she twisted her legs and broke my glasses.

11:19 PM  
Blogger Arathorn said...

Great posting ...funny as Hell BUT ya gotta know down deep in your heart that someday way in the fute dem grandma titties are gonna look GOOD to you hehehehehe

6:58 AM  
Blogger Death said...

who say's they don't look good to me now?

8:02 AM  
Blogger Nightmare said...

I just love the idea of Geriatric sex! I hope I'm still laying pipe when I'm old and saggy.

8:39 AM  
Anonymous Justin said...

coffee.... keyboard... not good... not good at all..

Beck.. you're one funny cat!

glad I found your blog again.
The GF pointed me in the right direction.

8:42 AM  

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