small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, August 5

sweatin the small stuff

The MAN in his oh so wise way has decided to move our regional headquarters (where I currently reside) to the other side of town, and has laid upon me a bunch of brain splitting, eyeball drying out, telephone smashing, using my outside voice more then I should, tasks. Hmmm, so as a result I’ve been very busy at work and when I get home all I’ve wanted to do is sit nekked in the dark squatted upon my hunches rocking back and forth like a retard in the back seat of a car. So bare with me if my shit has seemed cobbled together or I’ve been robbing the archives too much. I’ve been busy bitches. But let’s see if my many inside sources can throw together an edition of “sweatin the small stuff”.

From the “look at this muthafucker here” department……..

comes a story of why some of us don’t mind paying for cable. Cause you think you’ve been around a while and seen most near everything, but deep in your heart you know there are certain things missing. Well the other night I found one of those things. The real man’s channel “The Learning Channel” was showing a special on Contortionists. I had to tape my mouth shut cause my jaw kept dropping open. It was one of these shows where I wanted to call every man (and a few women) I knew and go; “you muthafuckers gots to see this shit”.

From some of my many inside sources, I found out that some of the top contortionists can bend their spines backwards at over 180 degrees? The average gip off the street can maybe do only seven so it’s no wonder that most men dream about female acrobats. Just thinking of fucking some of these people will make your head pop off from the pressure. But who the fuck am I kidding huh? If one of these chicks got nekked in front of me and said come and get it, I’d have to break into a run. Yeah as in runnin the other direction.

Did you also know that where most of our spines are mostly semi rigid, the spine of top contortionists after years of training since birth will have the suppleness of a stiff piece of rope? And that most of the top folks in this profession are from Mongolia. I used to have a stripper roommate that could pop both her ankles behind her neck, I used to think that was the shit until I saw that show but now I know some shit. What the hell is it about a limber woman that sets a man’s teeth to chattering?

The show said the funniest thing; “most contortionists can make a fair living by being photographed for fashion shoots”. Then they showed a couple of female contortionists being photographed by a bunch of old men, Oh yeah, that looked like a “fashion shoot” to me. If those were “fashion photographers” then I’ll be runnin that four minute mile. But the special showed that they had a sense of humor about the whole thing when they interviewed a woman on her way to do a corporate show. She said; “what? A roomful of men between twenty-five and fifty, and me bending in small clothes? Oh yeah, money in the bank”.

From the “class, class, CLASS!!!!” department……..

comes a story close to my heart. There’s been a growing issue concerning the problem of plagiarism amongst the high school crowd. One teacher caught half her class doing that shit and she flunked their stinkin asses. But the local school board over ruled her and reinstated the little cocksuckers grades. In protest she told em lick her ass and she quit the gig. Now with it being a true fact that a good teacher is all that stands between Muffy getting far in life or buffshinin some cat’s cock for a living, I’ll stand with the teachers any day.

But then again most muthafuckers ain’t got an original thought in their fuckin heads anyway. It’s like watching a fuckin herd of stinkin sheep. If one goes right they all go to the right. If one starts licking another sheep’s balls, soon enough all the furry fuckers are tonguing wooly nut sacs. Baaaing little bitches. It makes me sick to my gut to see shit like that. But if you look towards the end of the field there’s always a lone sheep hanging by him or herself. Just watching the ball licking antics of the others and absently wondering what’s over the next hill refusing to be satisfied with licking nuts or runnin around in circles like all the others.

That’s right little sheep; break out on your own! Run, fly like the northern wind. Go where your little wooly heart takes you. Don’t bow down to the stinkin fuckin masses. That’s your coat. You keep it! Knock down that guy coming at you with the shears and put it in his ass like the big sheep you are, that’s right baby! Baa! Baa! Baa! Be the man that stands up to the MAN!

And I’ll shut this down with a few random thoughts that me and some of the many inside sources have been tossing around

Water found underground on Mars, duh? Anybody with a brain knows that ever since the Great War all Martians live underground. Well, except for the canyon dwellers. Just ask John Carter.

Don’t be putting the retards on the rollercoaster’s. What? You think that’s gonna make em feel special? I guess you do until they figure out how to undo the fuckin seat restraint and die.

Shiva will bring on the long darkness.

Bush thought that the movie “Sum of all fears” gives up too much information to the wrong people. Fuck, he ought’a be watching the fuckin CNN. With all their so called “insightful” news reports about what if’s and other such shit, if the stinkin terrorist don’t think of it by themselves, CNN will think of it for em.

And people who think they’re the fuckin shit but in reality aren’t worth the spittle off my balls can go gleefully into the darkness fucking themselves. Who gave them the right to lord over people like it’s their God fuckin right! There’s a special dark room in my head for these types of people and the muthafuckin key don’t work!

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Nightmare said...

And that is precisely why I switched majors from education to advertising! I could teach kids very easilly but I wasn't about to put up with the fucking school board or their fucking parents. If there is anything that stands between a great education and producing the worlds greatest ditchdiggers, it is parents and politics. Someone, who's kid didn't cheat, should file a class action lawsuit against the school, the parents and the cocksuckers on the school board. Just for being fucking stupid, and allowing those little asscrunching retards back into the school where they OBVIOUSLY, don't deserve to be. Fuck I would send the bastartds into the military. Try cheating there, they run your ass until you have to re-learn how to chew your food.

7:23 AM  
Blogger satyavati said...

I'm gonna post a big sign in the locker room at work that says "BAAING LITTLE BITCHES". They won't get it, but it'll just say it all.
Love ya.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Bella said...

Contortionists - once they've hit that 180 degree mark, a peice of their spine has been permanently broken. Many of them will not live passed 80 and 75% of them will get Rhumetoid Arthritis. Talk about long term stupidity.

As for the students, just wait til they get into college. Their parents will be wishing that thier teacher had taught them a lesson. Instead, they were taught that it's okay to plaigiarize. In college, they don't play that game. It's the three strikes law only you don't go to jail.

11:26 AM  
Blogger curmudgeon said...

RE: Water on Mars.
I have much interest in space exploration and enjoy seeing all the pictures and shit coming from Mars.
But if I hear one of them fuckers say "More possible evidence Mars once had water on it..." I'm going to bend my legs up behind my ears and bit my own balls.
I'm getting quite sick of it.

3:25 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

And i have to ask where you get these pictures! of the baby dolls? Good Lord!

2:46 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home