sweating the small stuff

From the “how much is that doggy in the window” department………..

comes a story that’s so, so…… you know how sometimes you hear or see shit that’s so fucked up its actually funny? Well that’s how this story rolls. Famous fifties and sixties film star Brigitte Bardot instead of sticking her old French nose into other’s folks shit is actually raising a fuss about something worthwhile.

Brigitte Bardot has called on the French government to halt the reported habit that fishermen on the French island of Reunion have of using live puppies and kittens as shark bait. My many inside sources told me that local fishermen attract sharks by tying puppies or kittens onto the fishing line then throwing the little mewling or barking muthafuckers, whichever is your preference, into the water, and wait for sharks to swallow the thrashing animals.

According to my many inside sources, a six-month-old puppy was found last month with hooks sticking out of its little wet nose and one of its legs and it’s not a rare sight to see cats six or seven months old with hooks still in them hobbling about and shit. My many inside sources aren’t sure show long this practice of using live puppies and kittens as shark bait has been going on, or why the locals want to hunt sharks in the first fuckin place. You know, if this shit wasn’t verifiable I’d surely suspect this of being some Monty Python sketch cause it’s that fucked up.









Now from the “lord, let me get it up one more time” department, in conjunction with the “where’s Paul Harvey when we need him” department…………..

comes a story of a man ninety-two years old accused of sexually assaulting a woman in a nursing home. According to my many inside sources, a nurse’s aid walked on the two in the bathroom of the woman’s room where somebody’s Pawpaw was busy getting his nut busted.

The woman the older gent is accused of assaulting is a resident of the nursing home and has advanced Alzheimer’s disease and is in her sixties. In papers filed at his arraignment, police say ole grampus a retired local doctor, went to the nursing home to visit the woman and to check up on her. Police are kind’a stymied because they can’t really interview the woman because she just is not able to communicate in a clear fashion, just a lot of humming and shit.

My many inside sources called the old geezer on the phone to ask him what was up as if we didn’t know, and he called the workers at the nursing home overzealous, and added that he plans to sue police for defamation and slander. He went on to say that he was in the bathroom with the woman but that shit was on the up and up and then they hung up on his old ass cause he started prattling something about WWII and young whippersnappers and got boring.



And lastly from the “ooh, ooh, what can I wipe my hands on” department………..

comes another fucked up story, but fucked up for a different reason. In San Francisco a dump truck delivering twenty tons of dirt to local businesses tipped over and crashed into an adult video arcade this morning, narrowly missing three patrons. "It was close," said a video clerk at the video store, who identified himself only as Jersey Dog. "One guy was near the inside of the wall in a booth, but no one was hurt."

The incident happened when the dump truck was dumping dirt to be used to fill in several businesses' sub-basements. The back of the truck tipped over to the side and into the wall of the store, shattering windows and dumping tons of dirt into the part of the store that houses booths for video peep shows. Concerned firefighters used a thermal imager to ensure that no one had been buried dead or alive under the huge mound of dirt.

My many inside sources tell me that the brave firefighters were also prepared for the horrible eventuality that they might come upon men in their death throes with cocks still in hand. Firefighters and rescuers were heard to say that intense training prepares then for such events and findings. But lucky for all, no one was hurt and all cocks were all safely accounted for.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"