small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, September 9

sweatin the small stuff

From the “does anyone want seconds” department……….

comes a story of a wily restaurant owner in China who got his ass busted for advertising tiger meat dishes that instead of being full of nutritious tiger turned out to be nothing but donkey meat marinated in tiger urine, it was reported worldwide on Thursday.

The restaurant, conveniently located beside a tiger reserve near the Chinese city of Hailin, had advertised stir-fried tiger meat with chilies for ninety-eight bucks a plate as well as liquor flavored with tiger bone for seventy-four dollars a bottle.
I found out from my many inside sources that the sale of tiger parts is illegal in China which is what caused local officials to shut down the restaurant. Afterwards only to be told by owner and I quote, “the meat was actually that of donkeys, flavored with tiger urine to give the dish a "special" tang”.

Hmmmm, isn’t that special, the donkey meat was flavored with tiger pee to add that extra zest, or as stinkin assed Emeril Lagasse would say, “bang”! So anyway, officials seized the restaurant’s profits and fined the owner which wasn’t clear since the eating and selling of donkey meat isn’t illegal and heavily eaten in the northeast. And despite intensive digging, my many inside sources were never able to find out how the alleged tiger urine was obtained.

It should also be noted that until China outlawed the trade in 1993, tiger skins, bones and other body parts, were widely sold due to it being that the shit was believed by the stinkin Chinese to imbue vigor and sexual prowess.

From the “mommy, he followed me home, can I keep him please” department…….

comes a story I read some while back where South Korea is taking a unified stand against the capitalist imperial pigs of America. They’re telling PETA and every other round eye muthafucker in sight that eating dog is a national pastime and so good for ya! Korea's been getting all kinds of bad press over this issue and they've had enough of our shit!

According to my many inside sources, Korea’s been eating dog and the occasional stray cat for centuries but there’s also South Korean’s who cherish and love the little furry sacks of meat more then their own kids. What a nation in turmoil. Word on the street from my many inside sources has it that Korean folk eat dog for the sexual vigor that comes after a heaping bowl of poochie chowder, plus it also heals what ails ya.

But there are also Korean people who love dogs so much that they won’t take a job unless they can bring little Sparkie along for the day. And now there are special restaurants that cater to the dog lover crowd, I mean as in Ole Yeller can sit at the bar and lap up the Evian out of his own bowl. And there are still restaurants where a cool Korean cat after polishing off a bowl of spicy crimson soup made of stewed canine, red pepper and sesame leaves can light up a smoke and burp up Fido to his or her hearts content.

Me and the many inside sources agree when we say what right do we have to dictate what’s right or wrong for other people in other countries to eat or not? Hell we enjoy sushi, tar tar (raw ground beef with spices), and escargot. Cow brains and pig knuckles and headcheese and all other kinds of shit I can’t think of. And just the other day I had dinner over my Mother’s house and I watched her and my aunts gleefully knock back plates of ox tails and barbequed pigs feet. The world has enough division without America getting into somebody’s business about what they eat. Give a muthafucker a break why don’t we.

And lastly from the “damn, that’s some fucked up shit” department………

comes the oddest headline of the day;
“Britain urged to crack down on ape meat trade”

It seems that there’s a proliferation of African ape meat being smuggled in the UK and being sold as tasty treats. Kind’a makes dog meat not so important in the whole fuckin scheme of things, eh? People-eating-the-meat-of-Apes. That’s bout fucked as it gets.

My many inside sources after reading this hipped me to a little known fact that dates back to the day’s of British and Spanish exploration. A lot of stories came out of the South American rain forest and parts of darkest Africa about man-eating cannibals.

Some stories were true but most we can call bullshit on due to some shit being found after studying remote tribes in both areas. It seems that to some primitive tribes, monkey meat rocks. Yeah, muthafuckers would go out in the fuckin jungle and do the bum’s rush on monkeys and shit.

They’d drag the monkeys back to the village and throw the dead muthafucker, hair, head and all, into the cooking fire. So when Spanish priests or some old British chap who happened to be hanging out in the village saw what looked to be a human body failing about in the fire, it was actually ole Cheetah being served up for lunch.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Nightmare said...

I'm not a big fan of dog meat it is a little to greasy for me, kinda like possum. I do however like Beaver meat, not that beaver you perv! Actual river beaver. Due to it's diet of tree and all the tasty sap in it, the meat is really very sweet.

8:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow. What an Alton Brown post that was. Good Eats!

When folks eat Greg's famous fried chicken, should they ask what kind of meat it is? Greg, what do you marinate this in to make it so tangy? Hey Greg, where's your cat? K Sose

8:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let's see if I remember. That's is my memory serves me right.

1. Large pot, not a fry pan or a fancy pants sauté pan but a large to medium sized metal pot.
2. Large bottle of tiger piss.
3. Dead cat, I use donkey or skinless African ape and cut em into strips. You use what you want.
4. Six donkey balls
5. Four Eggs
6. Bunch of fuckin flour.
7. Salt
8. Pepper
9. Garlic, I use either powdered or minced
10. Onion powder
11. Old Bay Seasoning
12. Red pepper, powdered or crushed
13. One popcorn kernel

Hmmm for some reason this sounds like your chicken recipe. Either way it's dam good eating.

Abynormal Sedagive

9:35 AM  
Blogger curmudgeon said...

How about a nice helping of fried farts and pickled assholes?
Maybe some monkey brains for dessert?

2:26 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Caw brains are very tasty. Never had dog, but I do not think we should be telling people what and what not to eat, as long as it is not human meat

2:43 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

oh.. gross...

11:54 PM  
Blogger Berry said...

EWWWWWWWWWW...I can count on being grossed out when I come to your blog! LOL!

9:03 PM  

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