sweatin the small stuff

From the “get yer tickets to the donkey show right here” department………….

comes a story of stalwart men with close cropped hair in small dark rooms fighting injustice in America. Yes, I can only be speaking of the muthafuckin FBI and their new anti-obscenity squad which has been formed to enforce the Bush administration’s War on Porn or otherwise known as WOP.

Last month, the bureau's Washington Field Office began recruiting for the new anti-obscenity squad. Attached to the job posting was a memo from FBI headquarters to all FBI field offices, describing the new squad as one of the top priorities of the FBI.
According to my many inside sources the new squad will divert eight agents, a supervisor and assorted support staff to gather evidence against "manufacturers and purveyors" of pornography, not the kind exploiting children like a muthafucker might think, or the insidious “white slave trade” but the kind that depicts, and is marketed to, free thinking, tax paying, law abiding, consenting adults.

My many inside sources were able to find some FBI agents in a local Washington bar knocking back a few, who were more then happy under the condition of anonymity to speak their fuckin minds since being known to poke fun at headquarters is not regarded as exactly career-enhancing.

"I guess this means we've won the goddamned war on terror, we must not need any more resources for spying and shit like that"

said one really pissed FBI agent, as he slid off his barstool to go to the shitter.

The FBI memo stated that applicants for the porn squad should have a stomach for the kind of material that tends to be most offensive to local juries. Community standards -- along with a prurient purpose and absence of artistic merit -- define criminal obscenity under current Supreme Court doctrine.

Based on a review of past successful cases, the memo said, the best odds of conviction come with pornography that "includes bestiality, urination, defecation, as well as sadistic and masochistic behavior." Hmmmm, did you notice nobody mentioned anal sex? (thank god, …shit did I just fuckin write that?) But fuckin animals, peeing on each other, crapping up a wad of stinkfinger on your girlfriend or beating each other with whips will bring the wrath of the FBI down on your perverted ass.

For those of you that care, for example public corruption, officially, is fourth on the FBI's priority list, after protecting the United States from terrorist attacks, foreign espionage and cyber-based attacks. Just below those priorities are civil rights, organized crime, white-collar crime and "significant violent crime." The guidance from FBI headquarters does not mention where pornography fits in.






From the “lookie here, this here airplane got TV’s all over the place” department……….

comes a story ripped from the headlines where this week all of America stopped watching Hurricane Rita moosefuck the gulf long enough to witness the plight of JetBlue Flight 292, where just after leaving Burbank, California on its way to New York, it was discovered that the nose landing gear had somehow gotten all skewed and shit. Something had fucked up and instead of retracting the nose gear had turned to where the wheels were pointed across the body of the plane.

So the plane was diverted to the nearby Los Angeles airport where massive amounts of emergency equipment were awaiting the faulty airliner. As the airliner circled the LA airport burning off fuel it was noted by MSNBC reporters that the plane had over a hundred and forty people on board. It was also noted that since this was an Airbus A320, every seat had it’s own TV monitor and that MSNBC had the exclusive contract for JetBlue and that muthafuckers on the plane were most likely viewing the same fucked up shit everybody else in America was. Which was this fuckin airliner with fucked up landing gear circling the fuckin airport burning off fuckin fuel before it attempted a fuckin landing. How fucked up is that shit?

See, just betwixt me you and the many unknown sources, I don’t dig the flying. Every time I fly I go thru the same shit. As the plane takes off I’m staring out the window thinking, “ok, if we fall from this high up I might make it……ok, this high I might make it…..ok if this muthafucker falls from this high up I’m so fucked”. Or as it climbs up gaining altitude I imagine my seat snapping loose, flinging me to the back of the plane where I lie crumpled in a dead heap.

And don’t even get me started on if I’m sitting there eating my peanuts watching the television monitor in the seat in front of me. And the news breaks in and there’s this really familiar looking plane flying along and all muthafuckers are talking about is that it has fucked up landing gear and how is it gonna land. Only to hear the captain come over the PA system explaining that we’re being diverted to Los Angeles because of a slight problem with the plane. Then my attention snaps back to the TV as the reporter explains that the plane I’m watching on the TV is being diverted to LA. “Man, how odd is that I think as I gaze out the window”.

Suddenly I see the picture zooming in on the plane on the monitor where they show a close up of the fucked up landing gear. As the unseen camera zooms in the reporter mentions that you can even see some of the passengers in the plane. I’m thinking that those poor bastards on that plane are so fucked until I see one of the faces of one of the passengers looking out the window. “Hmmm, that’s a good looking muthafucker, too bad he’s gonna die…….wait the fuck up….that’s me looking at me looking at me…….lawdy we’s gonna die”!

Yup, that would have to be some rough shit watching your own televised drama unfold before your very eyes. And I quote from the passengers,

“It was very weird. It would've been so much calmer without" the televisions”

“it was "surreal" to watch the plane's fate being discussed on live TV while it was in the air”

"I wanted to call my dad to tell him I'm alive so far"

"At the end it was the worst because you didn't know if it was going to work, if we would catch fire. It was very scary”

“Grown men were crying like little slapped bitches"

But luckily for everyone involved the pilot was this badass muthafucker who was so cool under pressure that he joked that he was sorry he put the plane down 6 inches off the center line and that Airbus made one goddamn sturdy airplane.

All of America watched as the pilot did his rendition of a shuttle landing by balancing the jet on the rear landing gear for as long as he could before letting it settle down gently on the broken nose gear where it very smoothly skidded to a safe stop. All that was missing was the pilot throwing out the devil horns thru the cockpit window and telling everyone that he’d be available to receive blowjobs in the airport bar.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"