small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Thursday, September 29

sweatin the small stuff

From the “when crack just won’t do” department………………….

comes a story from the far north of where stinkin assed kids as young as twelve years old are licking toads in an attempt to get high. And if licking the ass of a toad isn’t bad enough the little bed wetters are even drying out the skins of toads and rolling them up as joints to get a hit. Health authorities have warned that those who lick or smoke the local northern toads are dancing with death and stress that there is no getting high from the shit excreted by the toads which according to my many inside sources are called Cane Toads.

In fact, sucking the hither end of a Cane Toad is considered by many locals one of the dumber ways a muthafucker can die. We’re talking about a very serious risk of seizures, a rapid loss of consciousness, cardio-vascular collapse and death.

Now according to my many inside sources who, and trust a muthafucker when he says this, are unusually fuckin knowledgeable when it comes to getting high. Tell me that the little self fisters need to get hip and travel to the Sonoran Desert that stretches from southeastern California across the southern half of Arizona and extends south into Sonora, Mexico.

There the little crumb snatchers will find the Psychedelic Toad of the Sonoran Desert. Which they tell me emits a thick mucus like milky-white venom that contains large amounts of the potent hallucinogen, 5-MEO-DMT. When vaporized by heat and taken into the lungs in the form of smoke, this shit produces an incredibly intense psychedelic experience of incredibly short duration. And they tell me there are no hangovers or harmful effects. And yeah, I can see myself smoking toad spooge as soon as I start running that five minute mile. I’ll leave that shit to the damn dirty hippies.

And now from the “well, it sounded like a good idea at the time” department…….

comes a story of an international flight out of the Philippines readying it’s self for departure when everything ground to a screeching halt. It seems that passengers were all buckled up and shit when a crew member spotted what looked to be a mouse darting across an aisle. The ensuing mouse action triggering a chase that grounded the airliner at Manila airport for more than 12 hours.

The airline told almost two-hundred and fifty paying passengers to unass the airplane and after unloading hundreds of pieces of luggage brought the huge airliner to a hangar for a two-hour fumigation. The deadly rodent was never found, which means it somehow skillfully sneaked past security or it’s still on the plane deader then a muthafucker and stinking shit up.

My many inside sources tell me that there was an incident before with a cockroach, but it's the first time they recall the airline having to deal with a mouse in such a way that it actually delayed a flight. The head operations chief of the Manila International Airport Authority when asked “what the fuck” was quoted as saying that rodents are a danger to airplanes because they can chew up important electrical wiring. And for us to get the fuck up out of his business if we didn’t mind.

And lastly from the “hi, this is Paul Harvey, and now the rest of the story” department…………

comes a postscript to a story that happened way back in March. Remember Brian Nichols, the cat who killed all those people whilst escaping from a courthouse in downtown Atlanta? And during the huge manhunt hid out in this chick’s house where she supposedly talked him into giving himself up? It was the story that fascinated the entire nation. How in the fuck did a single mom manage to convince a killing muthafucker like that to surrender to the cops before anybody else got whacked?

Well it seems that Ashley Smith, the woman who was taken hostage by courthouse killer Brian Nichols is telling her story in a new book called “Unlikely Angel” The Untold Story of the Atlanta Hostage Hero. Did she pray with him? Did she seduce him with her womanly wiles whilst giving up the pussy? Did she throw him a basketball and distract him in a quick game of hoops?

Well, if you read her book and can hold your stomach as you wind past all the pages filled with childhood pictures of Ashley Smith, her wedding pictures and photos of her daughter and other dull bullshit. You’ll come to the part where she gives a detailed account of what happened in the early morning hours of March twelfth where she fesses up to giving the accused killer some of her stash of crystal methamphetamine.

According to my many inside sources she gave him some crystal meth, otherwise known as redneck heroin, dummy dust, crank, some of the ole blue belly, a little taste of the albino poo, a party with Debbie, Tina, And Crissy, Hawaiian salt, a visit with the Jenny Crank Program. Yup, bitch got him higher then a muthafucker and walked his stoned ass right out the front door to the cops.

My many inside sources also tell me that after learning of this revelation the Atlanta cops generously decided not to press charges against Ms. Smith for having the illicit drug in her possession. And on a parting note, just how fuckin high does a muthafucker have to be that after killing folks and shit and hiding out, he just walks the fuck out to the cops?

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger Tony said...

That Ashley Smith story is fucking amazing! I’m disappointed that didn’t get more play in the media. Completely overlooked. They didn’t give the Meth story half the coverage as they did “The Purpose Driven Lie” I guess there was no book to promote. However, I’m sure it would have provided some good PR for Meth.

By they way. Another awesome edition of sweatin the small stuff. Nearly ruined another keyboard because of beverage spewing through my nose from laughter..

3:00 AM  
Anonymous RD said...

Great shit, as usual Death. By the way, if you don't mind revealing, where in the hell do you get your images from. Christ Almighty they are funny. You talk the talk, and they walk the walk. It's all I can do not to pirate them for my own blog. Except you might figure out where I live. Share if you will, but keep 'em coming. xdjrnths?

9:02 AM  
Blogger Death said...

Hey RD, I get most of my shit from google images. I see something I like then I save it to my hard drive. Blogger has a program where I can upload Images directly off my drive. I think of a discription like "load licker" then I google it and hunt around till I find something close to what I want. And hell, If you or anyone else see something you like please feel free to use it. God knows I do and will unless I clearly see that it's copywrited.

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