small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: the magic eight ball

Tuesday, October 4

the magic eight ball

how much to make your ugly ass go away?

This is an open question to all my readers and I want you all to answer truthfully without all the tree-hugger bullshit. If you were to come into a stupid amount of money, like multiple millions, what would you do with the money and do you think it would change who you are? And remember I’m talking stupid amounts of fuck you money, and if you’re unsure what fuck you money is you’ll find out in my answer. So to start the ball rolling I’ll answer first and of course your shit doesn’t have to be as detailed as mine.

1. First off I’d want to find a couple of things one of which would be a good angry lawyer with a bad attitude. Cause blowjobs to bullshit, I’m gonna piss off muthafucker’s by the bucket full. I mean politicians, other rich folk, and everybody else that looks at me sideways.

2. Then get a good accountant or money manager on board. These cats would form the building blocks of my personal umbrella of impenetrability.

3. After these cats are in place and before I go off on a tear, I’d find myself a suitable home here in midtown or some type of acreage where I’d buy the whole block and fence it in. Then I’d have to set up my immediate family with whatever they need. Father’s dead so he doesn’t need shit unless maybe a shiny urn, my mother and sister would get the hook-up, and my brother would be included.

4. And as far as all the other muthafuckers in my family that I only see once or twice a year, maybe an untouchable collage fund for their stinkin assed kids.

5. Then I would go through what I’d like to fondly call my burn period. Where I would for a period of a year or so, turn into a freak of heroic proportions, which for me wouldn’t actually change much except for the fact that money would be no object.

6. During that period I’d be such a decadent muthafucker that the Church would have to hold an international conclave just to discuss how to deal with me.

7. After the burn period I would settle in and enjoy being a man of leisure helping whoever I felt, doing whatever I felt, which isn’t much different from the way I am now except that money wouldn’t be an issue.

8. Oh, and I would insist that every time I enter a building or room that my personal theme music LL Cool J’s “I’m Bad” would play at concert volume.

9. Oh, and just because I could, I’d walk up on every chick that ever gave me the round eye and go, “hi, here’s a thousand dollars, you wanna fuck me now”? And after she reaches for the money I snatch it back and tell her to take her skank ass for a walk.

10. The order might switch up subject to altitude but other then that I wouldn’t change….much.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger curmudgeon said...

Yeah, me too. Except for #8.

Nuke a tree hugger for Jesus!

2:28 PM  
Blogger Mister Whiskers said...

Okay, you asked, so I'm telling.

First, I'd do some of the stuff you mentioned - take care of friends and family, make sure they were set up for life. Then I'd crack my knuckles and settle on down to it.

1) Buy a cellarfull of the oldest, most expensive wine I could lay hands on. I'd drink a couple of bottles, and then pour the rest down the drain, in front of a live studio audience. Heh.

2) I'd buy a little cottage somewhere in the country, where no fucker could bother me. And if they DID bother me, I'd have enough security systems in place to ensure they'd all be reduced to soup. Try and mess with me, fuckarse.

3) I'd start up a film/TV production company, and invite scripts from the best writers of the age, and some new, untried ones, too. I'd employ readers and shit so I wouldn't have to troll through all the garbage, but the point is: Whatever I thought was good, would get made. No questions, and no worries about making a profit through advertising, because I'm already super-rich, right? In this world of mine, Joss Whedon would be able to do whatever the fuck he wanted, as would Neil Gaiman and Terry Gilliam.

4) A publishing company. The same as (3) except with books.

5) Booze and whores. I'd get drunk, screw the whores, and them give them a million so they could start new lives and wouldn't have to fuck the likes of me any more.

6) "Deal" with the people I don't like. You know what I mean.

7) Marry whoever the fuck I wanted. Stay up as long as I liked without having to worry about going into work. Wear what I liked. Do what I liked. eat whatever I liked and employ a personal dietician to ensure I didn't eat too much of it.

When you have as much money as that, you want to live as long as possible, just to piss everyone else off.

That's pretty much it. Possibly more whores than I mentioned, though.

5:57 PM  
Blogger satyavati said...

So we're talking unlimited amounts of money..

1. first I'd pay off all our bills and put enough aside so that my parents and Scott's mom don't have to worry, and then give enough to my sister so she doesn't have to worry either. And set up some kind of fund so we don't have to worry about money either.

2. then I'd have the new temple built with all the trim and fancy stuff.

3. then I'd set up a fund to keep the Polish preaching tour going without worrying about raising money every year.

4. then I'd build and start up a little nursing home for devotees near the temple.

5. then I'd take six months and go visit a few places I've always wanted to go.

6. then I'd like to buy about 250 acres of prime dinosaur territory in Montana and put a little teeny cabin on it, and spend summers digging.

I don't think it would change me at all, really.

11:58 PM  
Blogger Nightmare said...

I swear to Christ we are cut from the same cloth. You hit the nail on the head! One other thing I would add to the burn stage is promptly take a cool Million to Vegas, check into the "Westward Ho", make it known that I am about to blow a whole million in silly shit. Like buying all of the tickets to see Wayne Newton and then not letting anyone but me in, and see how long it takes one of the big casinos to head hunt the new "whale" in town.

9:04 AM  
Anonymous " Raider" said...

Hmmm a few of what You put maybe buy one of the islands in the Bahamas and toss everyone off it.
start a Gorean/BDSM commuinty were anything gos a 400 room castle/resort hire the worlds best strippers/sex workers/freaks.ect
turn the place into a super high class brothel/hotel with a no exterdition treaty with anyone.hire a small army to keep it that way. just for starters.

1:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

First I would make sure all of my family and 50 of my closest freinds were set up with everything they need for life. Then I would have nasa build a new space shuttle and name it after me. Then take a ride in it around the solor system while stopping off at the moon to see it thier relly was a man on the moon if not I would be the first one. Hahahaha. Then I would buy a giant cargo plane and fill it up with 5 doller bills and drop it off over a large crowd and watch them all fight over while sipping on a carona holding hands with my companion. Thats just for starters. Oh yea I would buy the Playboy mansion, The rump tower, and the Sony playstation company. Oh and I would have at least on of every female action figure ever made life size.....Evermore

Sapphire Raven

2:07 PM  
Blogger dee said...

Interesting question and very interesting comments. *grin*

Lets see;

1) I would pay off all my bills.

2) I would ensure that there is enough money to pay for my daughter's college education through a Graduate Degree as well as my grandson's educational expenses.

3) I would ensure that all my family members never had to worry about money again. This would probably include some friends who are like family members.

4) I would be a house with lots of property somewhere near a beach.

5) I would buy new cars for myself and my daughter.

6) I would finish my own university education.

7) I would set up a college fund for those that really need and deserve the financial help.

8) I would set up a world fund to provide health care and vaccinations to those severely in need of them.

9) I would take all of my family and some friends on a holiday someplace special.

10) I would travel around the world and see and learn about people, cultures, and places I've always wondered about.

I guess that would be just about the sum of my activities if I should be lucky enough to have the funds.

3:01 PM  
Anonymous Rock Princess said...

I would pay off all debt. I'd buy a Big house on several acres out in the country. On that acreage I would build an out building that Rick's band could practice in. It would also be suitable for recording in. I'd buy the guys all new band equipment and pay for top notch recording. I'd set up my closest friends with the homes of their dreams and buy them new cars. I'd also buy new cars/trucks for Rick and I. I would make sure my parents and brother were set up with whatever they ever wanted or needed. I'd have enough cash on me at all times to take care of my friends with odds and ends here and there. I think there would be a nice long vacation thrown in there somewhere.

3:13 PM  
Blogger Ole Blue The Heretic said...

Yep me too, I would always have strippers around me too! ;->

3:30 PM  
Blogger Arathorn said...

I would hook up myself and family and a few close personel friends. Make sure we all had enough for life and then double it and then donate all of what was left and I mean all of it to the Salvation Army on tv right on the news. this way I ,Me > Mine is cared for and the Army will care for the rest of the bucks. Everyone would know I had no more left cause they saw me give it away.No Hassels !!!!

3:34 PM  

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