the magic eight ball

how much to make your ugly ass go away?









This is an open question to all my readers and I want you all to answer truthfully without all the tree-hugger bullshit. If you were to come into a stupid amount of money, like multiple millions, what would you do with the money and do you think it would change who you are? And remember I’m talking stupid amounts of fuck you money, and if you’re unsure what fuck you money is you’ll find out in my answer. So to start the ball rolling I’ll answer first and of course your shit doesn’t have to be as detailed as mine.

1. First off I’d want to find a couple of things one of which would be a good angry lawyer with a bad attitude. Cause blowjobs to bullshit, I’m gonna piss off muthafucker’s by the bucket full. I mean politicians, other rich folk, and everybody else that looks at me sideways.

2. Then get a good accountant or money manager on board. These cats would form the building blocks of my personal umbrella of impenetrability.

3. After these cats are in place and before I go off on a tear, I’d find myself a suitable home here in midtown or some type of acreage where I’d buy the whole block and fence it in. Then I’d have to set up my immediate family with whatever they need. Father’s dead so he doesn’t need shit unless maybe a shiny urn, my mother and sister would get the hook-up, and my brother would be included.

4. And as far as all the other muthafuckers in my family that I only see once or twice a year, maybe an untouchable collage fund for their stinkin assed kids.

5. Then I would go through what I’d like to fondly call my burn period. Where I would for a period of a year or so, turn into a freak of heroic proportions, which for me wouldn’t actually change much except for the fact that money would be no object.

6. During that period I’d be such a decadent muthafucker that the Church would have to hold an international conclave just to discuss how to deal with me.

7. After the burn period I would settle in and enjoy being a man of leisure helping whoever I felt, doing whatever I felt, which isn’t much different from the way I am now except that money wouldn’t be an issue.

8. Oh, and I would insist that every time I enter a building or room that my personal theme music LL Cool J’s “I’m Bad” would play at concert volume.

9. Oh, and just because I could, I’d walk up on every chick that ever gave me the round eye and go, “hi, here’s a thousand dollars, you wanna fuck me now”? And after she reaches for the money I snatch it back and tell her to take her skank ass for a walk.

10. The order might switch up subject to altitude but other then that I wouldn’t change….much.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"