sweatin the small stuff

From the “so have you heard all the buzz about intelligent design” department……….

comes Jonathan Reed who whilst hiking with his beloved golden retriever in the woods of Seattle, Washington, was surprised when an alien being with an elongated head, stinkin of rotting fruit leapt out of the woods and begin ripping his dog apart. Instead of flipping the fuck out and screaming like some ass raped bitch, Reed felt strangely drawn to the alien creature whom he took home and lived with for nine days during which it communicated via telepathy and was able to pull thoughts from his mind. Sound strange and far fetched?

Not according to Reed who along with many others gathered in Lima, Peru this week for a world extra-terrestrial congress. Where amongst the items being discussed besides big headed dog eating aliens, was the fact that alien spaceships were in New York City on September 11, 2001 rescuing people from the World Trade Center during the attacks. The congress, organized by the Alfa y Omega group also believes a fleet of UFOs will fly to Earth at the end of the world and Christ would use one for his second coming.

According to my many inside sources Peru has long been a mecca for mystics and there have been more reports of flying saucers then you could shake a stick at, especially over the southern town of Chilca. Some local folks reckon aliens imbued mud springs there with special curative and fertility powers. My many inside sources were also able to find out that Reed named his dog eating alien friend “Freddy” and that he wears a bracelet belonging to the extra-terrestrial.

Reed or “ole crazy round-eye” as some of the locals have come to call him said Freddie had skin like that of a pig, breathed and had red blood, but strangely enough never spoke. Tests by what I’m sure had to be a reputable scientist showed Freddy had 46 chromosomes, like humans, but 9 were different and resembled those of dolphins and sea turtles. Myself I think ole Reed ran into a damn dirty old hippie with a bad case of the munchies running buck assed nekked thru the woods who ate his fuckin dog. But that’s just me.


From the “who falls for this shit” department………..

comes the incredible story of an Oregon woman whose doctor convinced her that he could cure her lower back pain by fuckin her is suing him and his medical clinic for four million, according to legal documents obtained by my many inside sources on Monday. The doctor who’s in his fifties was stripped of his license and sent to lock-down for a few months last year for charging the state's Oregon Health Plan five thousand bucks for his forty-five minute "treatments" involving the woman who from now on will only be identified as “stupid bitch”.

The doctor’s radical medical treatment included intercourse in which he told the stupid bitch was needed to help alleviate the stupid bitch’s lower back and lower extremity pain. The lawsuit, which charges battery, negligence and intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress, was filed on Friday in an Oregon County court. The doctor could not be located for comment but his lawyer was heard to say “who knew talking such a line of bullshit would work on the stupid bitch. And even though he pleaded guilty to submitting false health care claims, which is a felony, the doctor maintained the sex with the middle aged stupid bitch was consensual.




And lastly from the "ello Gov'na, ten quid for a poke at me ole bum hole, eh" department……..in conjunction with the “fuckin ole blow-hole there is like throwing a hotdog down a hallway” department………….

comes a story of a two-thousand dollar an hour prostitute known as New York's No. 1 Escort who pleaded not guilty on Thursday to charges of money laundering and prostitution that stemmed from her bragging to the media about her work. Yeah, according to my many inside sources the hooker, age twenty-five was crying her fuckin ass off in a Manhattan criminal court after she was unable to post fifty grand in bail and was taken away in handcuffs to jail.

The charges against the little cock-socket came after she bragged in several interviews about her professional exploits, including posing provocatively for the cover of New York Magazine under the headline "N.Y.'s # 1 Escort reveals all. In that interview, she told the magazine selling that pussy pulled in almost two-million annually and almost half of that amount came from flat backing the high-roller clients of NY Confidential, a swanky Moroccan-themed brothel in Manhattan.

According to my many inside sources, the little cum guzzler showed up for her court hearing dressed in a skimpy mini-skirt, a see-through blouse and four-inch spike heels. As she was led away from the courtroom in tears she told the court she had no idea she would remain in custody after the hearing. In the prisoner’s gallery some hardened Lesbians were heard to say. “ummm, ummm, tasty”! She faces up to fifteen years in prison if convicted and no word yet from Huggy Bear if he’s gonna go her bail.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"