small brush shouldn't fuck with big timber

Death's Door, the view from the Spanish announcers table: sweatin the small stuff

Friday, October 14

sweatin the small stuff

From the “don’t bogart that joint” department………………

comes a story of a man from up around New Jersey way who aspires to political ambitions. In the past, he’s run for office solely to promote the legalization of marijuana. But goddammit, this year he’s taking shit to the extreme in his bid for state governor. This time it's a whole angrier thing, cause he’s openly advocating that his whole reason for running for office is to specifically give an old fashioned fuck you to the attorney general, the Republicans and the Democrats. Fuck em all cause Ed Forchion is really fuckin pissed over being jailed for five months in late 2002 for filming ads advocating the legalization of marijuana while he was on probation for possession and intent to distribute the drug.

Even though he got busted by the Man and a federal judge ultimately ruled the arrest for the videos was a violation of his free speech rights. Forchion hopes his candidacy and its surrounding publicity will stick it to state and federal officials. Cause if nothing else, Ed has learned that to stick it to the Man you gots to be the Man. So let’s say that somehow a parallel wormhole opened up to an alternate universe and ole Ed became governor of New Jersey. What would his first act as governor be?
"Why I'd pardon every single pothead that was arrested. I'd do that all day," said Ed. "I'm a news junkie. I could talk about a lot of things, but for the sake of this campaign, I am openly advocating for all the potheads."
According to my many inside sources, Ed, who once tried to change his legal name to Weedman so that judges would have to call him "Mr. Weedman," has long promoted the legalization of marijuana and believes it should be allowed on free speech grounds, saying it’s tied to his Rastafarian religion.

Letting out a high pitched stoner laugh, Ed says his first dose of censorship came with his high school yearbook, where his quote "We smoke pot, we drink brew, we're the class of '82," was left out. Since then he’s had many pot related brushes with the law some of which include a citation while smoking at the Liberty Bell and being escorted from the New Jersey Statehouse after lighting up in the balcony of the Assembly. It should be noted that Ed has temporarily stopped smoking marijuana due to his current job driving a truck but he said it is only "a temporary affliction."

And here’s a forgotten factoid about weed from my many inside sources. Jimmy Carter came to the Presidency after having courted the population of marijuana users with a hint of future drug policy reform. Carter during his time in the White House was just a toke away from signing a bill legalizing pot until his stupid Drug Policy Advisor Dr. Peter Bourne, got busted doing coke which fucked all that up.

And now from the “Daddy, how come I can’t stop twitching” department………….

comes a story of a man, a father I might add who got busted after his five-year-old daughter got sick after eating pot brownies she found in the family's home. On Saturday night, the girl's father, dropped his daughter off at his mother's home because he was going to a concert. Later that evening, the grandmother noticed the child was lethargic, her pupils were dilated and she was acting "strangely." She also had what the grandmother called a "big muthafuckin appetite."

The grandmother took the child to the emergency room where tests came back positive for the presence of marijuana in the girl's bloodstream. After questioning the girl said she had eaten brownies that her father had made that were left on top of the stove at home. Now understanding that stupid is as stupid does, how bad of a patchouli stinkin stoner freak do you have to be to leave a tray of pot brownies out where kids could get at em. Fuck that, I’ve seen little kids who after catching the scent of cookies or brownies gnaw their way through two-inch pine pantry doors like little Willard muthafuckers.

So even leaving shit like that in the fuckin house wasn’t even a fuckin option. My many inside sources who in sympathy for the little girl who after treatment was released from the hospital, swore off pot for a whole day tell me the father, who is not being named to protect the child's identity, was arrested at the hospital, and then charged Monday with felonious possession of marijuana. And as a second offense, charged him with misdemeanor obstruction of an officer, cause he lied and said the brownies weren’t his. Stupid stoner concksucker freak.

And lastly from the “mister, have you seen my kitty” department………………….

comes a story that I’m only writing about because it cracks me the fuck up. It seems that a sixty-six year old woman had been missing her Siamese cat Francis for a couple of days. She wasn’t giving it much thought cause as we all know that’s how cats roll. So shit was cool until whilst walking her dogs she came upon a rather large Burmese python lying back in the woods behind her house.

It turned out to be the latest python incident in South Florida, where exotic snakes are growing and breeding like a muthafucker and swallowing folk’s pets and other creatures whole. A thirteen-foot python recently was knocking back a six-foot alligator until its stomach blew the fuck up and shit.

The abundance of large snakes are alarming public officials and citizens, and according to my many inside sources are showing up as the result of people buying baby pythons and shit as pets. Which as soon as the muthafuckers grow to size or eat the family dog or get found sucking on the baby are gotten rid of by throwing in the nearby everglades.

According to my many inside sources, on Sunday morning, the old woman was walking her dogs when she encountered the snake, which was ten to twelve feet long. She called her son to the scene because he had caught snakes on the property before. He said he was trying to capture it when he noticed a large bulge in the area where he figured the belly was. And for some reason he couldn’t help but think, “I'm sure there's a cat in that muthafucker". That's when he decided to call 911.

The Miami-Dade Fire Rescue anti-venom unit arrived and bagged the python sometime that morning. According to one of the firemen it was a pretty good size animal and it wasn't friendly, either. He said when he tried to grab the python; it tried several times to bite him. He said the snake had several rows of about 100 teeth and if it had bitten him would have fucked his shit up.

Cruz said the bulge in the python's stomach was about sixteen inches long, and he suspected it was the old chick’s eighteen-pound cat. The fireman said it looked to be a full-size pet and could even feel the legs in the stomach." The son stated that the cat was about a year old, and his mother had received it from a friend. When he told her that the python had eaten her kitty, her eyes welled with tears. At the time of this writing he was still trying to decide how to break the news to his six-year-old daughter, who lives near grandma. He said she had become close to the animal, and would be heartbroken.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"


Blogger curmudgeon said...

Just another reason to not live in Florida.

2:28 PM  

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