sweatin the small stuff

waaaaa!!! our pussy's hurt and we've been turned into Muppets!

Its time to sweat the small stuff, but the many inside sources are all out getting shit-faced. Do you think the inbred little fluffers would ask me to come along? Fuck no, so fuck em and instead of a regular “sweatin the small stuff” I’m gonna yank bits and pieces from the archives. So lets all grab on to our balls and tits cause the rides gonna be a bit on the bumpy side.

From the “shut the fuck up and play” department………

comes a story that deals with the bullshit about downloading, this time it’s Senator Orrin Hatch leading the parade. Ole Orrin who just happens to be a songwriter on the side when he’s not politicking and shit, wants to go after music downloader’s with gun’s a’ blazing. He wants, and oh this really fuck’s me up, he wants to put out or endorse software that will give you two warnings about “illegal” online behavior, then destroy your computer.

Now is it just me or is that some illicit shit or what? Fuckin son of a bitch! This is the kind of crap that a cat reads, and then reads a third and fourth time just to make sure you heard the muthafucker right. And I quote, “damaging someone’s computer may be the only way you can teach someone about copyrights”. Well fuck me running you rude pompous bastard, what’ll you plan to do next, send the stinkin jackboots over to my house to beat me up? And where’s it gonna stop? Blow out my fuckin TV cause I’m watching porn? Break my muthafuckin stereo cause I’m listening to the bad hip-hop or rock? Goddamn commie way of thinking non-song writing cocksucker, how dare you?

Then you got that group of “mangina” having fucks called Metallica. Have you seen their special “some kind of monster”? Now I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t seen the whole special, but I aw enough to see that the boy’s had to get in touch with their “pink” sides cause they hired a therapist to help em work better as a team.

“Waaaaa, our pussies hurt, waaaaa, can you come hold our cocks and help us play better together so we can make more fuckin millions so thus we can stick it to the poor kids who value our music more then their stinkin spendthrift life’s. Cause we’re so fuckin rich and loved by the masses that we can put out shiny shit and the stinkin kids will buy it just because it’s us”.

“Oh, and don’t you muthafucker’s dare even think of downloading our shit cause our buddy Orrin Hatch will fuckin destroy your piece of shit computer and then come over to your parents basement and personally bust you in the fuckin mouth! Bitchies”.




From the “close your eyes and open wide” department…….......

comes a tale recited to me by my boys in drag Vibralux. You gots to forgive my bad memory but here’s the way I think this story went. Last week I’m at the Hurricane hanging at the bar listening to the band Vibralux as they told this great story about this show they played. One of the bands they shared the bill with was Poison, and somehow this chick got onto the bus where Brett Michaels was getting dressed. Brett told her to hit the road cause he was getting ready to go on stage, but she refused and when he went to grab her and throw her off she dropped her dress.

She stood nekkeder then shit with these electrical cords hanging from her pussy that were hooked up to this switch box she happened to be holding on too. She told Brett that she had a dildo stuck up in her cootch which was loaded with C-4 explosive, and that she was gonna blow herself up along with him, and as she said this she flipped this switch on the box and this orange light lit up. Brett flipped out and started screaming for security who were busy dealing with CC Deville who was flipping out near the stage cause he couldn’t find his giant monkey fur jacket.

So you had Brett Michaels going ape shit because this chick had the C-4 dildo of death jammed up her cootch whilst CC Deville was wigging out cause he couldn’t go on stage without his giant monkey jacket. To make a long story short, security broke into the bus and pulled the chick out and after it was all said and done, they all found out that when you pushed the other switch on the box the business end of the dildo popped off and a red flag jumped out that said “bang”.

It was all part of a big elaborate joke concocted by the pyrotechnics crew. Those crazy rock & roller’s I tell ya, and I never did find out what happened with CC’s jacket. Good show by the way, you gots to dig any rock band that hits the stage dressed in drag. Anyway, cool rock story.


And lastly from the “yo Vinnie, did youse see that shit?” department....

comes some funny shit that can only happen in fuckin New York City. There’s this park that’s been dealing with a bad pigeon problem. And as we all know, pigeon’s are filthy head bobbing nasty pieces of shit with wings, right? So the park hired some hawks to take the stinkin pigeons out, and everybody agrees that they’ve been doing a great job scaring the muthafucker’s off. But throw a Chihuahua into the mix and shit gets fucked up I guess.

So this chick was walking her Chihuahua and……and hold it, just what the fuck does Chihuahua mean anyway? It has to mean something, like the song that Speedy Gonzales used to sing all the times in the cartoons, La Cucaracha. Which I didn’t find out till years later meant Cockroach.

Anyfuckinway, the Chihuahua was off in the bushes fuckin around when one of the hawks mistook it for a rat or some such shit, and tried to take the little muthafucker out. Small ugly dog the size of a grown man’s ball sac versus a predatory bird sporting claws along with a 45-inch wingspan, hmmm? I guess that hawk hit the dog like some crazy ass finger of god kind of shit and just fucked the little guy up.

Can you imagine the chick’s reaction on the other end of the leash, cause you know she gave the little fucker some badass name like Giagantor and shit. She’s just walking along letting little Giagantor squirt piss along the trail when suddenly the leash rips out’a her hand cause some big ass hawk just bitch-slapped her dog back into the stone age. I love dogs and shit but a Chihuahua can suck my dick, so this hit me as very funny.

"and the monkey flipped the switch"