animal crackers

I just got through reading a series of articles on the web put out by a couple of animal rights groups. The articles detail their ongoing war against corporations that they accuse of doing animal research. Not only do they go up against the mega corporations who use animals for experimentation but they go after anyone who remotely deals with said companies. I might be going out on a limb here and opening up myself to unneeded bullshit, but here’s what I think on the whole deal.

Animal activist share the same thing in common with abortion protesters. They can’t see the fuckin forest for the fuckin trees. They don’t understand that if sticking a sharp stick up Lassie’s ass will help find a cure for my friend’s cancer, I’m all about saying excuse me, let me getting my footing here and tap that muthafucker up there just a wee bit farther, thank you very much.

They don’t understand that if calculating the load impact of a #32 Louisville Slugger against the rear brain pan of your typical white mouse, affectionately called Mr. Whiskers, will accelerate the cure for Aids by years? I’m tossing the first one across the plate.

They don’t understand that if someone hands me a gerbil and a roll of duct tape and looks me in the eye and says; “by doing this, you can cure Jerry’s Kids”? I’m blowing the gerbil’s O-ring my goddamn self. Now these are all clearly exaggerations, even the last one, but I’m just saying that if out of viable animal research comes cures for some of mankind’s greatest killer’s, I’m not against it.

And I’m all for the plight of pigs in Africa not finding enough muddy water to fuckin wallow in, or using animal research just to make some chick’s twitter smell better. I can tell the difference, but some of your more adverse activist can’t or won’t. And you can’t tell me there’s not an animal activist out there who won’t slap the furry cat crap out’a Mr. Bluejeans after he pees through a freshly laundered stack of shirts. Yeah, I’m just saying.


"and the monkey flipped the switch"